How to deal with people who are not self aware

[Wishingforpeace]

Any tips on how to deal with people who are in denial about being fully functioning adults would be extremely helpful. I try to avoid them as much as possible but unfortunately having to deal with people is part of life so I need coping strategies. Please help!

[Hidden]

Hi wishingforpeace.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with dealing with people, who are possibly in denial about being fully functioning.

There may be valid reasons why they are in denial...?

Not sure I quite understand your question. Maybe you could provide a little more information..

Best wishes x

[Wishingforpeace in reply to Hidden]

My boyfriend is very codependent and lived at home until we moved in together. Because of that, his mom literally did everything from cooking to laundry to feeding and walking his dog for him. He didn’t have to do anything himself. When we moved him, he claimed he was more than capable of living like a normal adult (ie cooking the meals, walking and feeding the dog, etc) and it’s been two years and he’s still struggling to do the everyday things that we all do on a daily basis without help or getting depressed and overwhelmed. We’ve been to counseling and it only working temporarily because he went right back to old habits.

[Hidden in reply to Wishingforpeace]

Thank you for sharing a little more information.

Ah I see, I’ve not got any experience of this sort of thing.

Wish I could offer some advice to help you both.

Rather than it being a habit, perhaps it is a real struggle for him. I guess the counsellor you had would have suggested any other help available around this.

Hope someone else comes along and can help with perhaps some helpful experiences..

I guEss someone has to want to change how they do things too or maybe that is who he is and for some reason he can’t change or doesn’t wish to.

Sorry I’ve not been much help xxx

[Wishingforpeace in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for trying. I think he’s just stuck and doesn’t have the drive to fix it. He’s just going through the motions and lives his life that way which has technically worked for him for the last 30 years and just doesn’t work with me.

[Hidden in reply to Wishingforpeace]

😔 sorry

There are meetings held in lots of areas, U.K. and USA for co dependants to attend..called co dependants anonymous. They meet and share their feelings and struggles...again he’d need to want to go..

Maybe take a look at their link coda.org it’s an international organisation...

Best wishes to you xx

[All_alone in reply to Wishingforpeace]

Hi Wishingforpeace. I like that name. It looks like your both in your thirties. Just a brief background on my story. I got married at 25, and he was 26. He also lived with his parents till we got married. His mother also did everything thing for him, cooking, cleaning, laundry and even put it away for him. His father is an alcoholic so there was a lot of codependency going on in that house. Recently after getting married I remember getting into a huge argument about something,. I told him I'm not your mother, I'm your wife. The marriage was never great and the longer it went on the further we grew apart and just became roommates. The things I learned from my experience both people need to give 100%. Respect, kindness and communication is very important. But I had no intention of being my husband doormat. Maybe you need to ask yourself are you truly happy with him. If you see your future with him, can you accept some of the things he does or doesnt do long term. You are worthy and deserve happiness and love. I hope you find some answers. Hugs!!❤

[Wishingforpeace in reply to All_alone]

Thank you. That helps so much. He’s a good man; it’s the emotional dependency and inability to do the normal day-to-day stuff without getting depressed that I can’t handle. I know those can both be improved upon, it’s just up to him whether or not he wants to do it. I feel like unless I force him to do things, he doesn’t do it. Was it like that in your marriage?

[All_alone in reply to Wishingforpeace]

A little. I never forced him to do things . I asked him to do things, I offered to help him with his things but that didn't work. For me nothing worked and that was part of growing apart. He also lived in the past. Oh remember when, wasn't that great. I do not live in the past. I look forward to the future. I tried to get him to try new things with me, maybe go on a trip. He never tried one new thing with me. Over time as we grew apart I just lived my own life but the resentment I had toward him keeped growing. And for me the resentment and anger is not healthy for me. He died 2 yrs ago so I'm free but I'm still dealing with his business and not living my life.

[Wishingforpeace in reply to All_alone]

I’m so sorry to hear that. How long did you live that way? I’m glad you’re “free” and hope that you can learn to live again. It sounds like you died a little too over the course of your marriage. Have you been able to grieve for him? And for yourself? I apologize if that is too personal a question. Please feel free to message me personally as well. Hugs❤️

[NeuronerdDoaty]

I treat people as if they can do things or speak at a level that seems appropriate. I don’t expect a 6-year-old to be 26. However someone who is 26 is aware of washers and dryers. Leaving a note for my son that I hadn’t moved the laundry over or mopped the kitchen should have been enough; particularly because I’m his mother. He left his brain somewhere when he came back home. So..... his post-it notes started to cover the fridge.

I just stated that his post-it’s were getting out of hand. I once told him he should be embarrassed because his IQ is outstanding but he must of lost his vision last time I smacked him in the head. (I don’t smack them.)

Give a push. Let them figure it out. Treat them like idiots when they don’t. Use humor. Works wonders. (For us)

[Wishingforpeace in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I like your take on things and am glad to hear you’re not the type of mother to baby their children past the appropriate age. I feel that’s happening way too much and then people aren’t able to function properly in the real world. He’s very sensitive so if I push too hard, he shuts down. That’s part of the problem. I feel unless I push, he won’t do things. A small example would be last week, we were hanging out in our backyard and a little girl went running by. Our dog tore after her and was chasing her. The little girl was so scared she started screaming and crying out for help. My BF just stood there yelling at the dog and it wasn’t until I said “omg she’s freaking out, go get the dog!” that he actually moved.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Wishingforpeace]

I don’t know how old he is but I know there are two personality types. One thinks and then moves. One moves and then thinks. (First responders, nurses, etc.) I think unless he’s 40 he may need time for maturity. Do the post it note thing. Put one or two up once a week. Just tell him you have two things you’d like him to do this week. It’s tough on you at first. He can take it down when he does it. Don’t put another thing right up. He needs to see a blank slate once a week. Monday or whatever day works put two more up. No talking about it. It’s frustrating but usually works. One day he’ll be a productive member of your life. Best of luck to you.

[Wishingforpeace in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

He’s 33. In doing those things, does that not make me mother him? Is this what most women have to do with their spouses?

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Wishingforpeace]

Sometimes. You got one from a helicopter mom. At her house she probably still babies him. Couples therapy is good if he’ll go. IMO that makes them more recalcitrant if you push. They can’t help it. Their brains are literally immature. I consider it making him a good partner. He doesn’t know because he wasn’t taught. You have to teach him but you can’t be straightforward. If he was bad at sex you’d fix that right away. This is just as important.

[Wishingforpeace in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

We did couples therapy and it did help but it was only temporary. He has the worst memory and forgets things we talk about so quickly that we have to talk about them again and again and then I get anxious because I can’t stand having the same conversation over and over again. I feel like we’re stuck in a vicious cycle that we can’t seem to get out of.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Wishingforpeace]

White board or post it notes. Lots of people need them. I keep all our appointments and important dates written on one. Each of the kids had different color post it’s. Mine was yellow. If it was on the back of the front door then take it with you bc it was something that needed doing while you’re out. It’s on the fridge when it needs to be done at home. You get a color too for things he may need to remember to tell/ask you. Pressure is off both.

[DrPenguin]

I feel like you put in a lot of effort in helping me. So maybe I can offer some help? I don't know much about how to treat co-dependency, but I do well with helping "bad behavior" (I know, that sounds bad. I don't know how else to word it. lol) So, my boyfriend is/was the same way. (He's improved dramatically). So...I went to school to work with children. I also love training dogs. I learned very quickly that training dogs and teaching small children basic "good behaviors" are very much the same. They do something "good" you make it a HUGE deal. It's ridiculous, but when they don't know any other way it isn't ridiculous to them. Okay...So let me give you an example with a full grown ass adult. My boyfriend doesn't like to clean...super messy. I'm the opposite, but he's an adult and I ain't his momma so I don't want to clean up after ever little mess. So... I started out with small things. I'd be cleaning up the kitchen and I'd say "Hey. You mind grabbing the dirty dishes out of the bedroom? It'd be really helpful! ) Super small, easy task. He'd do said task. Later I'd be super enthusiastic .. "Thank you so much for grabbing the dishes! It helped me out so much!!!" Sounds ridiculous. But I kept doing it. Small tasks. Thanking him with excitement for doing said task. Obviously it's ridiculous that I had to do that, but when he grew up the same way (Momma doing everything) then sometimes you gotta give them a push. But you can't let them know you're giving them that push! He has no idea I did any of this. I told him I enjoyed cleaning, but it's so much more fun to do it together! About 2 months ago I caught him washing the dishes. ALL BY HIMSELF!!! When I walked in I was like "Dammmmmn. You look fine as hell washin' them dishes" (We're southern, it's how we talk Lol). It made him feel so good being sexy haha. He's been doing little things on his own now. It's a slow process, but it's working.

I have no idea if this will work for you, or if it's even worth it for you to try. He and I have only been together for a year, so I'm not sure what it'll be like in the future. I just know he's the type of person that if he feels like he's being "pushed" or "told to do something" he shuts down and doesn't want to (...like a spoiled kid. lol) So I never do any of that. I just ask him for help with simple tasks, then make him feel amazing for doing the tasks. And slowly he has started doing them himself.

That was a really long post. Hope I helped.

[Wishingforpeace in reply to DrPenguin]

It does. We’ve been together for three years now (lived together for two) and I wish I had had the energy and patience you had when you guys moved in together. I was an anxious mess because I had lived alone for 11.5 years before moving in with my BF and he lived at home pretty much his entire life so talk about slamming two completely different people together. At times, I feel like I was duped because he told me he did all that stuff himself even though he lived at home so when we moved in together, I couldn’t understand why the day-to-day was so hard and exhausting for him. Two years in and his depression has worsened to the point where he will miss a full week of work because he will be sick when he gets up in the morning. I don’t know what to do anymore and am at my wits end.

[DrPenguin in reply to Wishingforpeace]

Honestly, in my opinion, it sounds like you should just cut ties. It's hard, but I think you'll be glad you did once you've moved on emotionally. There are a lot of people in this world, so finding someone who is a better match for you is probable.

[Wishingforpeace in reply to DrPenguin]

That’s the sad conclusion I am also coming to. I know that I cannot live with him as he is now. I can’t handle it.