Just Feeling (more) Miserable

[Lost_in_life]

I’m feeling overwhelmed. There are just a ton of things going wrong that I can’t seem to do anything about. (Some of it is just too detailed to go into. Other stuff is too embarrassing. Since it’s the weekend I can’t really make any progress on a lot of it.

To make matters worse, I had someone bail on “doing” lunch. (I have VERY limited social contacts… basically only two couples… all other friends live in other cities!) So now I’m at “loose ends.” I’ve written a list of things to do — 15 items and growing — but everything seems so pointless.

I know this all sounds trivial but I feel like I’m at my wits end. Life feels so pointless and full of bad things that can potentially happen. I feel like there’s really no good reason for me to be alive other than taking care of my cat. I even feel like my elderly father doesn’t need me around to take care of him. I’m on the verge of breaking down every time I think about how I’d be better off dead. (Note: I’m not suicidal per se. I just feel like I might as well be dead.)

[kenster1]

hi sorry to read of your troubles.the 15 things that need done.just do the absolute important ones leave the less important ones for another day.im sure your dad loves you and loves the fact you help care for him.

[Lost_in_life in reply to kenster1]

Thanks. I have a real hard time prioritizing. Plus, the two MOST important things are problematic. One requires getting someone to call me back (I've already left 3 messages). The other is extremely "anxiety provoking." All the other stuff is trivial or pointless... but I suppose some of it would keep my mind off wishing I were dead.

As for my dad, I guess he appreciates me... he's told my sister that, at least. He doesn't really express much emotions. (I even have to be careful to hide my weeping episodes, since that makes him real uncomfortable.) I just wish he'd ask me to do more for him -- all I do is cook dinner. He just goes off and does things with out asking me -- it's always been that way. I guess nowadays he does stuff just 'cause he's bored and impatient.

[Sunnidayz1]

Give yourself some time. Sometimes our own expectations of how we see our lives brings us down. Dont be so hard on yourself. No one is perfect! Life is not perfect. If you need someone to talk to please reach out to me.

When I was younger I thought I had to be smiley and happy everyday so people would like me. It's not true. I had to "like" me first before anyone could.

[Lost_in_life in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Thanks. I know this will sound contentious but I feel like I haven't been hard ENOUGH on myself. I'm almost 54 and I feel like I've failed at almost EVERY aspect of life: I've "pissed away" my "career and now I'm jobless; I gave up on relationships almost 20 years ago; I've hardly save anything for retirement; I've neglected my health until this year; etc. I know nothing and no one is perfect... I know I could be worse or worse off... but given the state of my life it's cold comfort. Also, I don't think I'll ever "like" me. I guess I'm lucky to have a handful of people who DO like me. Unfortunately, most are either too far away to socialize with or their too busy.

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Lost_in_life]

Why? Do you think if you were harder on yourself you would have everything in life by now? No, not true. It just might be self sabotage. You know, getting in your own way? It happens. If you feel you have nothing in this world and you want more from life seek professional help. There is no shame in it. It's not an easy fix but it works and you'll feel more fulfilled if that is what you're seeking. If there is nothing in the world we have there is always hope.

[Lost_in_life in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Anything I can say to that will just come off as being contentious. Though, I DO feel I should point out that there are many of us who can't afford "professional help."

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Lost_in_life]

I know & Im sorry to hear that.

Support groups in your area can help too.

[Lost_in_life]

Nothing is working. I'm feeling worse. Can't stop crying. The only reason I have to be alive is my cat. If I died my dad would put her outside or send her to a "shelter."

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Lost_in_life]

Call a mental health hotline. It's better to talk it out. I hear you. We've all been there. I used to cry myself to sleep.

[Lost_in_life in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Well, I'm not really suicidal so I don't think I can call a hotline. I talked to my sister. It helped in some ways... but made me more anxious about one of the issues I can't do anything about. I'm feeling like I should just lay down and sleep until it's time to make dinner. It's the next best thing to just being dead.

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Lost_in_life]

Of course you can call them even though you are not suicidal. It always help to talk to someone.

[Lost_in_life in reply to Sunnidayz1]

I thought the hotlines were just for suicide prevention... ?

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Lost_in_life]

Nope. If you are feeling lonely and need to talk to someone.

[Lost_in_life in reply to Sunnidayz1]

So I can call a suicide hotline if I just feel lonely? That doesn't seem right. Wouldn't they want to keep the lines clear for people who were actually thinking of killing themselves?

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Lost_in_life]

Im trying to help. If you dont want to call then dont.

[Lost_in_life in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Sorry...

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Lost_in_life]

No need to apologize. Feel better.

[susanv1994]

I get it. I was like that put everything on myself. I thought that I had to be strong handle everything. Then I almost died and that changed everything. I am only early 50ish and it was not time to need help. I figured I had another 20 years before I needed help from others. But I sought help from my doctor, from the dietitian, from a therapist. I understand that not everyone has access to such a medical team nor the ability to afford it. However, you said you are unemployed perhaps the local job service can help you find a way to receive the help you need. Sometimes church charities will help as well. I suggested the job service because they do so much more than list jobs. Someone suggested a mental health line, they are not just fro people feeling suicidal. They might help you find resources in your area. Maybe an organization such as Focus on The Family can help you find direction. I have spoken with them concerning my problems. They don't push and they are good at helping people find resources in their area. Their number is 855-382-5433. Please find help, I did and it changed my life. It has been about 9 months and it has been work; but I feel better than I have in years.

[Lost_in_life in reply to susanv1994]

Thanks. I'm doing a *little* better today... been able to come close to resolving SOME of the things that are causing me more specific anxieties. Also, I get to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Mind you he's not a therapist (and can't seem to even recommend any, not sure why). It's all the more frustrating because the medications seemed to be helping until several things upset me.

Also, I'm Iooking at several mental health hotlines. I had no idea that there were hotlines that weren't dedicated to suicide prevention so I REALLY owe Sunnidayz1 another apology.

[susanv1994 in reply to Lost_in_life]

I am glad that you are doing a little better. It will take work, but you can do it. You can learn to thrive!

[Lost_in_life in reply to susanv1994]

Thanks. My psychiatrist DID increase my dosage. He also recommended a low-cost therapy resource as well as a hotline I didn't know about.