Why do I have to suffer through this???

[redwine18]

I am new here and new to anxiety/panic attacks. I am 43 years old and don't understand why I am going through this. I feel like I am alone through all of this and I feel like I have nobody to turn to to talk to... My husband doesn't understand at all and that makes it very difficult for me with this damn mental illness issue! HELP

[trialschic2018]

Hi. Panic attacks are super scary. I remember when I first started having them. I would wake up out of a dead sleep because I started panicking in a dream, to find my physical body shaking, hyperventilating, every joint aching. It's hard because people don't understand mental illness like they do physical illness. And it's hard because there is no reason for it. It can happen to anyone. For me, I had to learn how to let go of the baggage of mental illness and just accept it. I hated it, despised it for so long, but you can't despise a part of yourself and still be happy. And not being happy just drove me deeper into my anxiety/depression. I had to try to see the positive side of it, like understanding that seeing and feeling too much allows me to get in touch with my emotions and the emotions of others and that's what makes me a good artist and writer.

And it's hard for the people around you, especially if you've hidden it or if you've never suffered from it before. I went through a really dark time where my anxiety and depression basically took over my life and I spiraled down really deep into it. I lost a lot of friends, and family, because they didn't understand what I was going through or why I was acting like I was. They tried to put a rational reason behind my actions when there wasn't one, then blamed me because 'why can't you just be normal' or things like that. I carried this baggage for a long time too. Until I started opening up. I still lost a lot of friends, but I gained a lot of other ones too. Opening up and explaining how confused, lost, angry, sad, frustrated you are can seem terrifying. Sometimes people don't understand. Sometimes they do though. And having that support can mean a world of difference when you're struggling and tired. I know I couldn't handle a lot of days if it wasn't for my boyfriend.

The biggest thing is that you're not alone. There's thousands, millions of us who suffer from mental illness. But we also survive. We thrive. We live. We have a happy life. We understand.

[samjon1 in reply to trialschic2018]

You have explained what I am going through, people can't figure out why I behave the way I do. I want them know why but I think telling them will just worsen things because those I told before couldn't understand including psychiatrists.

[newmercies in reply to samjon1]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I think that it's a good idea to open up to those close to you, even if they don't fully understand. Maybe you can mention to them different ways they can support you. Even if they can't understand, just having someone know you're struggling and be there for you is huge, I feel like.

Take care.

[samjon1 in reply to newmercies]

Thank you purplepenguins14

[lovetodance2018]

I am sorry you are struggling. I am glad you reached out on this forum. Everyone here understands the struggles of depression and are here for you. You are not alone. Please reach out as often as you need. Your husband doesn't understand because he hasn't gone through depression. Seeking counseling alone and together would be helpful. Sharing resources about depression can help him understand. Here are a few that might help. bit.ly/2Pbc8wJ bit.ly/2DSMHPh

Are you on medication for depression? Often it is a chemical imbalance and with the right medication and dose you will begin to feel better. Also, don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself breaks as you need. These are things I had to learn. I also had to learn to get my thoughts under control. Easier said than done, but it is possible. Journaling helps with that. I will be praying for you. Please remember we are always here if you want to chat or just share what you are feeling. Hugs!

[redwine18 in reply to lovetodance2018]

I am on 90 mg of Cymbalta (was just increased to the 90 from 60) and just started 20 mg of Latuda. I also take lorazepam 2-3 times daily if needed.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to redwine18]

How long have you been on the medication? Are you also seeking counseling? The medication with right kind and dosage,will help with the chemical imbalance. It took me over a year to find the right combination. Also, it will take your thoughts changing through counseling and having a break-through to really heal. I struggled due to two in two areas: I was too hard on myself -trying to be a perfectionist, which I learned is impossible. I had to give myself a break, to know my best is all I can do and that is enough. I began to lower my unrealistic expectations and that helped. I began to be proud of myself even for the little (not perfect) accomplishments. The second area was standing up for myself. My husband was a strong personality and I started to lose myself, what I thought, and that what I thought mattered. I had to stand up for myself and not allow strong personalities hurt me. I pray you find the right medication, counselor and have your break-through. Please keep in touch. I am here for you. Hugs to you!

[redwine18 in reply to lovetodance2018]

I have been on this medication since July.. started at a lose dosage because my anxiety was causing more anxiety. I was in denial. Yep I am doing counseling as well. My counselor has tried teaching me that I may not go back to exactly who I was before, but that’s ok. Life changes and so can people.

Thank-you for talking with me - it really means a lot to me!!