Today II

Today I am frazzled. It is my least favorite state to be in because it portends anxiety washing over me in a wave that I cannot always control. I have been talking myself down off ledges for as long as I can remember and this self-care is becoming exhausting.

I am diverting my attention by focusing on the WHY today. I have discovered that although my analytical brain irritates a great many people, it helps me to be less…me…if I try to discover the source of my negative emotions. Frazzled translates to anger which is a mask for pain. I am agitated because I am angry and not angry really… more hurt. I have been alone most of the day so how could I possibly be hurt? If I retrace to the start of the day I find that I began being agitated in class. The agitation and anxiety increased throughout class until I found myself in my car after class crying, and as per usual, there was seemingly no reason. I engaged in the usual pep talk mantra “You are fine, You’ve got this” except spoiler alert, I most assuredly did NOT have this. This happens more frequently now and I rationalize it away…make excuses…I am pissed because my son in law broke the shelf in the hallway, or I am angry because my co-worker is a feminine hygiene product, but I realize none of those trivialities should/would cause the anxiety. Normalcy does not look like outbursts of emotion at inappropriate times. So, what is the deal today? Why class, where is the trigger?

Class re-iterates my feelings of unworthiness of not measuring up, of somehow being less than. Mind you, I have and always have had a 4.0 GPA. I was what they called “gifted” back in the day, and yet I am easily daunted into feeling inferior and like I do not belong in this class, in this University, in this city, in this country, on this planet. I would go further and say I do not belong anywhere right now. I feel displaced and I cannot remember the last time that I did feel as though I belonged somewhere.

Here is the rub…what my head knows and analyzes, the rest of me cannot seem to reconcile. So today, I am frazzled. I foresee one of those rough nights when the walls feel as though they are swallowing rather than embracing me.

[Strongheartforever]

Incredible insight and beautifully written. Look at the product of madness and strife: gorgeousness. You need a nature reset. You need to be, not do, for a minute. You certainly are gifted. Take this passion and transform it. Be the alchemist. You know this better than me. I’ve been on this site since my dogs woke me up at 5:30am... so I’m outta steam, gotta work tonight... but had to give you a pat on the back for a hell of a post and please write more. This place is like an open journal, that helps others and helps folks vent. Very honored to be able to read your thoughts today and I send my empathy. You’ve got a lot going on. University equals Angst, that’s part of its charm. Keep moving through this.

[Hidden in reply to Strongheartforever]

Thank you for taking the time, and more touching, the empathy which I value highly.

[Nicesomebody]

Dear Auberie,

This sounds like my story. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

[Kaez]

First of all I can relate. And always come back to why and what's the trigger too. But usually come up empty handed. It is very scary trying to regain your control, normalcy, and knowing it's just not happening. Hurt does turn into anger for me too, then usually sadness or guilt. But know that some of the brightest people in history have suffered from mental illness. Try to take some comfort in that. Tonight maybe try to do a meditation exercise. I just tried this for the first time with this app I downloaded called Pacifica. I also journalled for the first time in years. And honestly it helped.

[Hidden in reply to Kaez]

Thank you for the suggestions. I am looking up Pacifica as I write. Every suggestion is a help, and I appreciate the sense of knowing that I am not alone....that others such as yourself relate. That alone reduces the feeling of isolation.

[Kaez]

Glad to help!

[momonthego2019]

Thank you for sharing a piece of your soul with us. Immediately after reading your post, the words "live in the moment" came to my spirit. "Be in the present". People can interpret these statements in a way that is unique to them. Do they mean anything to you?

[Hidden in reply to momonthego2019]

As one who meditates, being in the present always resonates. It is easy from the mat to be present. The challenge for me is staying in the moment while living in a chaotic world of constant distractions and life which pulls you in a thousand directions when not on the mat.