School

[iriss]

I went back to school today after having my winter break. It was really awful.

seeing certain people at my school puts me in a very bad mood. I get sad and upset.

I also realized how much make up work I have to get done. I have a TON of make up work. The deadlines are pretty soon too. Most of it is late work, so I’m going to get back grades on it anyways.

A big problem is that I can’t remember any of my content. None of it. I learned something new in algebra today and I did the homework tonight and I was only able to answer one problem. This is how it usually is with the homework. Everyone else is able to answer everything.

I’m overwhelmed to the point of panic attacks. The entire day today I could feel a panic attack building up. I had one just a little bit ago. I made the mistake of going to my friends and I was disappointed yet again. Some of them didn’t even care to say anything. Some tried but gave up.

Every day of my life I am completely overwhelmed by anxiety and panic and stress because I have to make up so many assignments for school. I felt sick with panic and anxiety earlier and I barely ate anything for dinner.

To calm down (it only worked a tiny bit) I played all of my musical scales on my viola.

I genuinely have no idea how to handle this stress anxiety and sheer panic that I have 24/7. People tell me to take it a small section at a time but I feel like I can’t do that because I don’t have forever to do these assignments. I only have a few weeks and I have make up work in almost every single class. If I break down every single assignment and work at a turtle pace then I will definitely not get it done in time.

I also have exams in late January and I’m panicking daily about those because like I said before, I cannot remember any of my content from any class. The only exam I am positive that I’ll get an A on is the orchestra one because that is just playing an easy song. I feel like I’m going to do really bad or even fail my other exams.

Last year I was rank 2 in my class and I got all As on everything and all As on my exams and I was smart and everything came relatively easily to me.

Now I understand absolutely nothing from every class, I can’t remember a single thing, and I’m failing a class and I have low grades in my other classes.

My brain won’t work and I’m so frustrated and upset and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

If I do bad on my exams and get bad grades my dad will see my report card and will ask about my exam grades and I’ll tell him about my bad grades and he will get angry at me. He will probably yell at me or get pissy and he will take me out of anything extra curricular and not let me hang out with friends ever. He believes these are the reasons why I struggle with anything.

I’m panicked and I have had two panic attacks about this in the past week and that’s not okay but I genuinely have no idea what to do.

I’ve told my guidance counselor and I’ve told some of my teachers that I’m going to fail and it’s like nobody even listens or cares ! They say “no you won’t, you’re smart it will be fine” but it WONT be fine because I’m not smart anymore. My brain isn’t working. It stopped working when my moms heart stopped beating.

My grief is so awful and painful that I can’t function and do anything else anymore. I can’t do school or clean or take care of myself or eat or anything. I don’t know what to do.

Now I’m crying because I’m hurting so badly and nobody takes me seriously and everyone brushes me aside like they always do. Nobody ever asks how I’m doing and nobody ever asks if I want to come spend time together if I’m sad and nobody ever notices when I’m sad or off. I ask for help with work from my friends and they get mad at me when I don’t understand it and they make me feel stupid. I don’t have anyone anymore really. I don’t have an emotional attachment with really any of my friends. They say they care but their words and actions speak clearly otherwise.

I don’t have anyone to help me and I’m drowning

[Strongheartforever]

We’ve talked before. I also lost my mom around your age. None of your friends can relate and they’re also too immature to know how. I do wish you could confide in at least one friend who you think is worthy of your trust. I mentioned before that grief groups, especially with others your age, could really help, because they will actually understand the depth of your pain. This is going to hurt for a long time. You’re in the thick of it. Plod on, fight on, know she is with you, know you’re not the only one out there who is having to soldier on through brutal pain and a heart that’s been ripped out. I’m always here for you. If I could somehow be an idea of your future self, see that this experience is shaping you into a compassionate human who can overcome a lot and triumph, so have faith. As far as schoolwork, do what you can; your minimal effort will still get you through. These grades won’t effect your life much. This is crisis time. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.

[iriss in reply to Strongheartforever]

I know that nobody can understand that but I wish they would at least ask. People are afraid to mention my mom around me because they think I’m going to break or something. I’m sad because I miss her amazingness. I’m not sad because of regret. I just wish I could live more of my life with her in it than I did. My friends don’t realize that I don’t think so they’re afraid to bring it up and I feel like I can’t bring her up because I feel like they get uncomfortable.

I just wish I had someone who would at least hug me and comfort me if I’m sad. Someone who I can talk to about my mom without them getting uncomfortable or making me feel bad. I don’t expect them to be able to say the perfect thing and fix me. I know it’s difficult to talk to people like me who struggle a lot.

I’m also upset because whoever I end up dating or marrying or whatever in the future and whoever I become best friends with won’t know her at all. She will be a stranger to them.

For some reason I want someone who knew her to talk about her with me. Not my family members but one of my friends or if I was dating someone. There’s very few people who were around my mom very often. I don’t feel comfortable talking to either of them.

I dislike that I want to do the bare minimum to pass because I feel stupid and I feel like everyone will be disappointed in me. I don’t think I’ll get into honors classes or anything advanced next year if that happens. I’m scared of that. My intelligence was one of the only things I was proud of and something people recognized me for and complimented me on. Now I’m nothing important or special and I get recognized for absolutely nothing. I’m good at viola but nobody knows or compliments/recognizes me for it.

I try not to put too much pressure but I’m just panicking because I’m losing control over everything I used to cover myself. I’m losing control over my life. I hate that loss of control and power and I feel weak and pathetic.

[Strongheartforever in reply to iriss]

Third paragraph had me in tears, cuts to the bone. About no one knowing her. I relate to every word. Her amazingness is yours now. It’s within you and it will never leave you. No one can take it away from you, ever. In five years, in ten, in twenty, you won’t remember the schoolwork or even care what your grades were. You’ll remember the burning heartache and you’ll still have all the memories of your mom. Your intelligence isn’t going anywhere. Your teachers will still put you in the advanced classes, guaranteed. They know your gifts. They know you’re struggling. I also relate to wanting to talk about her, and others finding that pretty sad. That’s what you can talk about with friends from a grief group, or even one person who has lost a parent. They will get it. They will understand that desire to bring those memories alive. Don’t let go of that desire. Your first love will help you through. Choose him wisely. I cried rivers with mine at your age and he held me and healed me. Someday a great love will heal you too.

Losing control, losing the pillars of your life, hitting rock bottom hard, you’re learning these lessons early. Life is not boring, it’s full of mind-bending anguish but also deep fulfillment that you can’t even begin to imagine. It’s unfolding now. Being a teenager is hard enough without the biggest loss of your life bombing you right in the middle of it. It gets easier. Then it gets harder again. Then it gets incredible. Ride the waves.

[iriss in reply to Strongheartforever]

I feel like my teachers don’t realize how much I’m struggling. I don’t think anyone know how much I am struggling. I’ve sent them email after email about extending things because I just feel like I can’t do anything. But I don’t think they realize that it’s hard to even wake up.

That’s the problem. People who don’t have to deal with mental health issues and grief don’t understand it or see it in others (most times).

I know I have her memory but I feel like I’m the only one (besides my step dad) trying to keep that memory alive. That’s what hurts me. She was selfless and always did things to help others, even when her sickness made her feel absolutely terrible. She still did everything she could for me and for my brothers. But it seems like nobody but me realizes and appreciates that.

I know that my grades and my school work really isn’t that important, but I have no guarantee at all of going to college. I could probably go to a community college very close by really easily. But with my dream job I can’t do that. I feel like I need to always have good grades in order to get that scholarship. I am terrified of being stuck in this place. I don’t want to live in this state or this town or anything anymore. If I had the chance right now to move to a different state or even country (like Canada for example) I would do it without much thought.

I’m afraid I won’t be put in those classes or be recognized because of what I said earlier. I don’t think that they realize how hard everything is for me. I don’t think I can make them realize either.

I don’t know if I can join a grief group because I’d have to talk to my dad about it and I hate mentioning any talk of therapy or treatment because he just reacts so weirdly and it makes me uncomfortable. He would be extremely invasive and non stop about wanting to know every detail of it.

About the first love thing, I have had two relationships that I would call love. My first one was pretty unhealthy and toxic. My second one were honestly some of the best months of my life. My second love helped to push me towards therapy and getting better. He comforted me when I cried on a few occasions. He’s not in my life anymore I doubt he will be ever again, even as a friend. Now I don’t have a love or even a best friend to share or do anything with. And I doubt I will have those for a long time, which makes me kind of sad. I see a lot of people who at least have a best friend and I can’t even say I have that.

[Calm_mama]

I cannot possibly add anything of value that Strongheart hasn't already said. I just want to say that I am so very sorry for your loss and am sending you enormous hugs (((((((((HUGS))))))))).

Are you in therapy? Are you in grief support? Please, please make sure that somehow you get these fundamentals right now. Who can help you with finding these resources?

I don't know what to suggest about your dad- maybe write him a letter, putting it all down there? Ideally, he might understand, as best he can, how much you are suffering and that you need your priorities to be going through the grief process, getting support for your losses and getting the appropriate help for your newly developed anxiety and panic. I don't know- the dynamics of your relationship sound tricky. Maybe he would understand better than you think?

I will also mention something that might help...My 16-year-old had a dramatic shift in her priorities 2 years ago, and put her mental health first. Grades slipped, many extracurricular activities fell by the wayside, and the focus was (and still is for the most part) on therapy, support group and DBT class. Since then she has put far less importance on and effort into school. That's not only OK, it's the absolute best thing for her. She will go to college, I have no doubt. Mental health comes first- then the rest falls into place. High school is a blip on the lifeline. A tiny one, actually. Such sorrows you've had to endure at your age, such tremendous loss (((((More hugs))))). What you have endured would throw anyone into a complete tailspin, and just getting by right now in school is more than OK.

There will be so many things that make you shine in this world. And one day you will shine academically again, I have no doubt. Take your time getting through this difficult period. You are still in there, just taking a slight detour right now.

More hugs to you Iriss 🤗

[iriss in reply to Calm_mama]

I’m in therapy but I only see her once or twice a month. That should hopefully maybe change when I get my license (which is soon). I don’t really have anyone as an adult who I trust to help me with the therapy stuff and talk about it and everything. My mom was that person. Nobody else had my trust or has my trust as she did.

My dad is a complicated piece of work. He’s loving some days or some hours and completely stand offish others. He gets angry at me for my feelings sometimes, especially if I get frustrated to the point of crying. I don’t want to write to him or talk to him about anything at all. He wouldn’t understand and he would hurt me more “trying” to understand. (Meaning Force me to tell him every detail of everything wrong).

I would do that but college is extremely important to me and I want to go as soon as possible. My life where I live now is toxic and unhealthy and my house is toxic and unhealthy and my school is toxic and unhealthy. I want to go somewhere that isn’t toxic and unhealthy for me. I know for a fact that I will not find what I need or want in my state or town. Therefore I want to leave as soon as I can. I can’t do that if I let my grades completely slip. I know that it might help me majorly in life, but the longer I live in this house with my dad, the worse my mental health will get. He’s one of the major reasons as to why my mental health is so bad. He makes me upset and angry and anxious. I don’t want to be here any longer than I absolutely have to.

[Calm_mama in reply to iriss]

Hi,

Thanks for all that clarification and detail I'm so sorry the relationship is strained with your dad. I totally get it.

I like faux's suggestions!

Here are a couple of other suggestions that may help...

School therapist/School Social Worker- does your school have one that you can talk to regularly?

Guidance counselor- Can you get your guidance counselor involved? Some guidance counselors are good enough at playing the therapist role.

504 accommodation (I'm assuming you are in the US) - do you have one? Can you get one? Here is some info re: 504 with anxiety :understood.org/en/school-le.... There's another accommodation plan that is more detailed and requires more work to get in place, called an IEP. Talk to your guidance counselor about both of these. one of these could help you catch up and give you some breathing room right now!

[iriss in reply to Calm_mama]

I talk to the guidance counselor at my school a lot but she doesn’t help me very much. I always leave upset and not feeling very calm or like I can fix anything. I don’t know what the 504 accommodation is but I’ll look into it. I’ll talk to them about it.

[Calm_mama in reply to iriss]

The 504 can be as detailed or basic as you want. The guidance counselor is usually the one to help create it. If you are proactive, you can create it for yourself and tell the guidance counselor that those are the specifics you want in it.

The 504 does NOT go on your transcript. 504 existence/details are not communicated to colleges you apply to.

It would give you some breathing room for the short term and help take some of the tremendous stress off of you right now. You can ask for the 504 to be abolished at any time. MANY kids at our local HS have a 504 for various things. We have friends with 504's for various issues like anxiety, depression, migraines, ADHD, post-concussive symptoms, vision problems, etc. It levels the playing ground for students and greatly reduces stress for both acute and chronic issues. 504's are NO BIG DEAL.

If you and your GC create one, you will need to be assertive about its implementation. Don't expect your teachers to know about/remember it. Remind them often that you need extra time right now to hand in assignments, extra time on tests and refer them back to the 504. Have no shame or embarrassment whatsoever that you need a little extra cushion right now. Remember that many kids have these for very good reasons- schools these days are little factories with many teachers overwhelmed, unable to consider the details of each of their students' lives. This forces them to take your current individual situation seriously and accommodate it. We have found that most of the teachers are incredibly empathetic- with 2 of them confiding in me that they have or have had significant anxiety and/or depression themselves.

My daughter does not even use her 504. It's there just in case and that peace of mind in and of itself reduces the stress significantly!!

[iriss in reply to Calm_mama]

I’m going to look into it then. That sounds like something that might help me. Does my dad need to know about it ?

[fauxartist]

if you have a record option on your phone....I'd record lectures if you can. And ask yourself if your not setting too high of expectations on yourself which sometimes can set us up for failure, and that fear of failure sets us up to procrastinate to the point of paralysis, we end up doing nothing or half assing everything at the last minute. Don't look at the pile, pull down one project at a time...and prioritize....one thing at a time. Eventually you will get to the bottom of the pile.....and if you don't you don't, the world will keep turning, you may have to make some changes...... Just do your best.

[iriss in reply to fauxartist]

I can’t have my phone out in class or anything, and I don’t have enough storage to record everything. I try not to set high expectations but I can’t get bad grades or else my dad will yell at me and my future might be in jeopardy. I can’t really do it one at a time because I panic about all of it at once

[fauxartist in reply to iriss]

find solutions....get out of the problems.... ask if you can get a recorder for lectures, and explain to your teachers that you have some retention issues right now. Talk to your father and tell him he is putting too much pressure on you and that it's effecting you being able to do your work in school because you have become so fearful....stop looking for reasons why you can't do something...and look for ways to improve your situation....only you can do that....

Best wishes to you......

[pink83737]

Could you maybe stay after school to get some help or call a friend in the class? But don’t worry too much it’s not the end of the world if you don’t make the deadline. Hang in there, I know what it’s like. I’m here if you ever wanna talk just PM me

[iriss in reply to pink83737]

My friends aren’t willing to help me. I’ve asked and they’ve given me vague responses and made me feel bad when I don’t understand something 100% the first time. I might be able to stay after school but I haven’t asked yet.

[Rockmeamadeus]

I can help you with algebra or any other subject! So sorry they are putting all this pressure on you. It will be okay!

[iriss in reply to Rockmeamadeus]

Thank you

[sunandbutterfly]

It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things, going to see a counselor, speaking with your guidance counselor at school. I cannot imagine the pain that you are going through. I imagine that your Dad is having his challenges to. Would it be possible for you to speak with your therapist about building a support system or a support group that you could join? Would it be possible to ask your therapist about having your Dad or your guidance counselor to a session? Or to have your Dad speak with your therapist about more frequent visits? The therapist may be able to help them understand where you are and a plan for getting through your coursework. Sometimes life is overwhelming. I would encourage you to continue to plod through as much of your schoolwork as you can. Can your guidance counselor help you set practical and realistic small goals to get through the things that you can? I hope that you find the healing that you need. In the meantime, please keep us posted on how things are going for you.

[iriss in reply to sunandbutterfly]

I don’t think he’s having problems with my moms death since they were divorced for 10 years and she moved on 8 years ago. I can talk to her next time. She might want to talk to them but she’s very busy and they would have to pay and I don’t know if that’s possible. I can’t have more frequent visits because of scheduling problems. I can get more frequent visits per month when I can drive but I’ll have to miss 15 of biology and 15 minutes of English. That’s on a good timed day.

I’ve gone to her about this before and she hasn’t helped me much. She says I should just do the work in 10 minute chunks on and off, which won’t help me at all because I’ll get distracted in the 10 minute breaks and I won’t be as productive. I will keep everyone updated.