I've suffered with various levels of depression and anxiety most of my life. My first known anxiety attack was in the 4th grade; I didn't know what was happening but I was smart enough to keep it to myself. In my late 30's many pressure points came together and I suffered a complete emotional collapse. I was almost incapacitated for many weeks and was unable to work for about 8 months. Many prescribed drugs and numerous counseling session followed. At some point, about 2 years later, I realized that the drugs, while needed at first, had become the problem and I weaned myself off of them. I had come to accept that I would never really recover but I was getting better slowly on my own. I came to realize that I am who I am, I have always been this way and there was no need to become someone I'm not. I accepted my general introverted and never quite happy nature and moved on. In the years since I have been on a road of slow but general improvement; 3 steps forward and 1 step so to speak.
I've never been able to manage more than 2 or 3 friends at a time. As the years past that because 1 or 2 friends until now when I find that I've isolated myself to 0 friends. I forgot to mention that I am married, 2 kids and 4 grand kids. How can I have 0 friends then? Simple, I don't share myself with anyone. Why? It never leads to anything good. My wife has tried to understand but it's beyond her. She always wants to blame herself one way or another so I simply hide it from her. MY son followed me down the proverbial rabbit hole. While I contemplated suicide and even made one aborted attempt many years ago his attempt almost worked. If I had not come home from work early and found him the drugs would ended him. He has recovered and has two great kids. I still struggle in a swamp, he can't know where I'm at; it wouldn't be fair to him.
So what's up this time? At age 59 I am trying to recover our retirement plans. After my collapse I was under employed for 10 to 12 years, we spent our retirement saving to keep our house. Only in the past 4 or 5 years have I been in a position to save big in hopes of one day affording a retirement. My wife never wanted to do anything but child care - it's her calling I realize. That puts 100% of the financial stress on me. She works earning maybe $15K annually but she has always made it clear that that's her money. The only way I could possibly catch up with retirement is to take a job demanding 60 to 70 hours per week and extreme travel. I am currently in week 3 of an 8 week tour of job sites. I have 1 week between now and the end of the year which is not already planned. Even when I am home I'm never more than a phone call away from loading the truck for 12 hour over-night drive or heading to the airport. I was smart enough to not accept the job until they agreed I would be hourly and I am fortunate enough to have a skill set so rare that I can get away with such demands.
What's the result of my situation and why is it dragging me down the depression whole all over again? After all I have a fulfilling highly technical job which pays a significant wage. I am working all of these hours, traveling hundreds of miles every week, sleeping in hotels ... more than 200 nights so far this year ... knowing my chances of surviving till retirement are very slim. Even if I do survive I'll be so worn out I won't have any enjoyment in retirement. It makes me wonder what's the point. I've given up trying to explain these things to my wife. I'm more more than 20 years older than anyone on my team - they can't relate. I've so isolated myself that I have no friends. Over the last two day's driving I've found myself looking at oncoming trucks and wondering "what if". I'm a long way from taking action but I know that just the random thought is a giant red flag. So here I am...
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WindTraveler
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Sending you peace or at least wishing you peace and freedom from the pain. I don’t know if you’ll do this but please try. Get Eckhart Tolle audiobooks or lectures or YouTube videos and listen to them. You travel a lot so you may be able to absorb his wisdom. It’s truth. It’s so liberating. You need this. I’m also super-duper introverted and could live on a deserted island. It’s ok. The pendulum swings the other way and there are tremendous gifts. Just wanted to send those thoughts your way and a lot of empathy. Don’t live in the future. Don’t fear what doesn’t exist. Everyone does and it’s hellish. Eckhart Tolle, I listened to him for years on hikes in the woods, he is medicine for this human mind.
Thank you for the advice. I do listen to audio books when I drive so I'll check out Eckhart Tolle. On Friday I'll have a 10 to 11 hour drive and then the follow Thursday I'll have a 12 to 14 hour drive. Plenty of time to listen.
I like your name. I like the wind. Few friends here, but mostly alone. I have 2 cats and a daughter in college. I'm 61 and trying to get off meds. I think I tried too hard because the black hole is looming.
So. I fear retirement age because I don't have any retirement other than my skimpy pension. My daughter started a IRA and asked if I had one. I said no... but I didn't tell her that we never had enough for one. Just the two of us.
Sometimes I think, well maybe too many pills... but then she wouldn't get the life insurance. Ugh.
I know I'm better off financially than many. I do have a pension from what I call my previous life - before I crashed. I'm not too concerned about my comfort in retirement, I am concerned that I will not leave enough behind for my wife. Based my family history and hers she'll out live me by at least 15 years. She has no marketable skill so it's up to me to leave enough behind.
Can you sell the house for decent profit and live modestly, keeping the rest as retirement? You definitely are living a lonely life, basically have made yourself into a robot just working to make money, that isn’t a good recipe for mental health. That’s burn out fodder. Maybe start looking into cutting expenses, selling off stuff you don’t need, lowering car payments and just living more lightly. Then you can cut down on your hours or even find a job you like more, something not as stressful. Just my 2 cents
One of the reason's I'm working the hours I am is to pay off the house. I make a nice wage but we live rather meager. I have an issued truck so we only need one car and it's paid off. We'll need to replace it soon but I'm working to put us in a position to pay cash. Also, I have good job which is challenging and fulfilling. I am proud of my job and that I am the only person in the division with the ability to do what I do. I respond to scheduled and unscheduled events across the nation literally traveling cost to cost and from Texas to Wyoming. I'm not an engineer but the engineering department has gained enough confidence in my ability that I handle many issues on my own submitting them as field changes. They review the work and put their stamp on it to make legal. Of course mistakes are made and we come to an agreement on how to handle the corrections. Part of what I'm saying is that I know I have it better than many people, I have no right to feel this way. I should be happy; I'm just not. I feel guilty that I have it so good. Since my high school days I've always known I was fraud and I've always feared that one day everyone around me will realize how stupid I am and just turn me out. Then what?
Oh that is wonderful you love your job! I understand the feeling of being a fraud. There is a YouTube video about a Ted talk on the imposter syndrome. Your guilt does not make someone else happy or more successful. I have felt guilty about having things before and then I realized that people don’t want my guilt, they don’t want my pity or to give away what I have in guilt. The more productive answer is to donate some of your time and or money to a cause you believe in. Help out a friend or family member in need. Everyday give thanks to God for what you have and take care of it. Let go of guilt, that is not how God wants us to live. Be a cheerful giver, give out of your abundance.
You are NOT a fraud- I'll bet this is depression talking.
Hi WindTraveler!
I’m really sorry that you’re low and suffering right now. The excessive hours you’re putting in isn’t helping your depression. That’s how it works for me. I’ve worked 60 hour weeks lately and I just get truly exhausted! And at age 57, this is the 1st time in my life that I have felt real exhaustion. If I were you, I would visit my Psychiatrist/therapist for assistance. You don’t want to drop down so far that you can’t function. Nip it in the bud!! Maybe you could benefit from an antidepressant, not a bunch of drugs, just an antidepressant. If you’ve had a breakdown in the past, my own experience tells me that it can happen again. Please seek help for your symptoms! I’m wishing you peace, strength and a little rest!
Thank you for the kind words. Year to date I'm averaging almost 64 hours per week, including holiday and vacation weeks in the average. 70 hours isn't uncommon. The exhaustion is real and I have to watch it because what I do can be dangerous. Over the past couple of years I've learned my limits and my manager give me the latitude I need to stay on top of it. What really bothers me is that wife doen't seem to understand I need her help and cooperation. It in't intentional but many times it feels as though she's working against me or, at best, offers a "whatever you think" attitude. She allows me to stumble forward hoping to read her mind and make decisions she agreed with. I've begged for her input, she doesn't try. Just this past week I asked he opinion on a serious retirement issue. I've asked over and over for the last year and still I get no answer. She wants me to read her mind but I can't. Over and over I've finally made a decision and, as soon as it's too late, I learn she's unhappy with it. And yes, we've been to couples counseling, individual counseling, marriage counseling. Counseling sucks. It doesn't help. Ive given up on it.
You need to sit down and talk to her just like you did to me. Make sure she understands how important these things are to you and that you’re serious and need serious answers. Make sure you get her attention. No TV’s on and so forth. Let her know how desperate you feel for answers/help. I really hope it works out for the both of you...
Sounds like you'd like to have your wife set if something should happen to you- and that is what people do. You have done due diligence- it's scary sometimes getting older and thinking about the future. When you get older as we know - you start thinking about life insurance , retirement , SS etc. Sounds like you are really trying to put the ducks in order. You say your wife has not many skills, but you have kids, grandkids etc. Is it possible ( I know it's hard when you are older) for your wife to get a certificate in something that is better paying maybe CNA etc?
Many things are possible. ... I was in the midst of writing a log explanation but then I deleted it. Too much effort for no return. I posted on CraigsList for an email pal (I posted in a state I never travel to. I'm not looking for a physical friend, just in emails). I would like to get to know a person and then, possibly I can go into more personal details. I want it to be a two-way process. I want to help that person as I work through my own issues. Time will tell if anyone replies.
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Tips on how to prevent imaginary arguments with real abusers from the past, please!
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