I just wanted to vent all this somewhere. Sorry if it is too long, just wanted to get it out.
I am so ashamed right now, my suicidal ideation came during a little reunion my friends and their friends (we were 11 people in total) were having. I felt so sad suddenly, felt excluded, felt like I shouldnt be there, how so much better they would be without me and finally I called someone to go pick me up because I didnt want to be there anymore and while I waited, I went and hid on one room and started to think about dying. One of my friends came over to me and asked me what was going on and I couldnt handle it anymore and said everything to her. It was so releiving but I felt bad because I started crying, she cried with me, she hugged me and my other friend came over and asked me too what was going on. Suddenly, everyone knew that I wasnt right, I wanted to avoid people knowing at all cost but it was too late. I hate myself for not being strong enough a few minutes more to cry and break down on the car or on my room instead of in the reunion my friends were having. I am very weak, I stayed on my bed all night and all morning, but I cant be weak for so much so I at least went to have breakfast to be able to take my bloody pills (I hate having to take medicine in order to function correctly). If I stop eating like before and stop bathing and all that, I am going to go down a bigger hole so I need to at least keep those things up, even if I have no energy to do them.
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LynnSalv
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Take hheart in that you are not alone with those feelings because i get the same, recently i was with a group of 11 people and i felt completely out of it , it was as if i didn't exist, and it was my own fault for shying away from conversation , but i cant help my overwhelming feelings of dread, and when i did speak my voice was trembling ,and the more i worried the worse it becomes I dont have an answer, but i can assure you, you are not alone..
This is just like me! I have horrible anxiety when in groups and have trouble speaking. Sometimes I’m fine, but sometimes my mind will go blank and I shut down. I get so embarrassed I literally have suicide ideation. I just want to die. I think I’m worthless and don’t deserve to exist. You are not alone. I’m finding this far more common than just me. Be well, my friend.
It has become a routine for me too, just dealing with these thoughts. I know it may seem weird or hypocritical coming from me, but I wanted to reassure you that you are not worthless and you do deserve to exist. You are a precious human being worthy of love and happiness
I hope you get better soon and be well to, my friend
I'm sorry this happened to you, but don't feel ashamed. You are not alone. I get these feelings in a group of my own family. I know I don't fit and it over takes me. Today is a new day, start over. We are here to listen.
I’m sure this experience is a little traumatic. People may not show it but they are going through things too and are better at not showing it. Us highly sensitive people have a power to heal that we can be totally unaware of. There is probably a situation where you healed people and don’t remember.
LynnSalv, you certainly have nothing to be ashamed of. At least your friends seem to care about you. I had a similar experience that didn't turn out good with family members. Your not alone! Can someone tell me why others who struggle with mental health issues feels this way? Is it a need of validation, a longing to be loved and accepted by others? Why is it that our thoughts are so very painful and troubled like this?
Oh, I hope things turned out well after your experience with family members. I think that in my case, it is a combination of genetics (mental health issues run through my family, from depression to psychosis), enviormental factors (I do not have a father and was very undervalued growing up, I remember hitting myself since I was very young and not feeling like I was deserving of love) and personal ideas (my ideas of not being deserving of love and wanting to die contribute to my feeling of hopelessness and hollowness). I imagine it is very different from person to person, but some of those factors play a role.
Thanks LynnSalv. I haven't seen or spoke to my family in 23 yrs. When I started dealing with my family issues they no longer wanted to have anything to do with me. They were afraid it would hurt their reputation if it got out so they took the easy way out. They swept it under the rug and ended up turning every family member and anyone who knew me against me. Even though t his sounds like a bad thing it ended to be the best thing for me in the long run. It hurt but I don't think in the long run I wouldn't have survived if I had stayed in it. I'm so full of gratitude that my husband of 44 yrs. never left my side, he is still with till this day. If it wasn't for him being their I probably wouldn't have made it through all of that. I still suffer through mental health issues from all the things that happened in my growing up years but I'm still here fighting and finding my way through. All of you here in this community came at the right time and is another link in my chain. Thank you all for being here for sharing your struggles and triumphs it means more than my words can find.
Sounds like you are dealing with low-self-worth and would benefit from learning more about it and how to heal that part of yourself. You might check out youtube for lots of info about it and how to learn to validate yourself and increase your self-worth. You'll be glad you did and it will be worth the effort.
Eleven is a large group. If you feel overwhelmed when in a group of this size, don't forget that you don't need to be seen, but if you do have a need to be seen and heard, then half that number should make you much happier.
You are lucky to have caring friends but nobody can gain any recognition in a group of eleven, so just be quiet and listen, then when you need to talk, pick your listeners (not all will be sympathetic). Really, you are not much different from anyone else, and we all need a listening ear from time to time.
I honestly have trust and love for only 2 people in that group. I appreciate a lot the other people, but only with those 2 friends I feel trust. It just so happens that those two people hang out with more people and over time they have mixed both of their friend groups into one big group (the guy friend is much more social, he has gathered like 6 of those people). But I do love being only with them or with a group of 4 people, it feels so much easier to include everyone on the activities and talk and not having anyone excluded.
But yeah, I tend to just sit quietly in the group like you say, sometimes I try to partake on the conversation but not much more than that. I even escape sometimes, just disappear without telling anyone.
That sounds good to me, LynnSalv. We can get lost in a group of 11, but when you are loved by a few of that group, no effort is required but to continue to be yourself, and when appropriate creep away unnoticed. It sounds like a lovely circle of friends, where some you know and love and others, you know less well, up until now.
Have you ever heard the saying 'No man is an island?' When men get depressed they do all they can to hide it in case other men think he is a 'sissy'. They lock their emotions up, (island building).
Men have been conditioned for so long to be Strong, Macho, and to take command, be the boss of the House, the breadwinner, the Tough guy.
It's so unnecessary. Men get self-destructive when their depression is not acknowledged or treated, The mental injury this Macho thought does to the ego and brain is immeasurable. My late husband suicided because of his depression; he had the notion that he had to control the whole family, and he became a violent drunk because of it; lost his high powered job, drove me to run with the kids because of his violence.
32 years later I still sometimes get flashbacks from the resulting CPTSD, although it is easier now, although I always sit with my back to a wall so as to keep an eye out for danger, when I'm in public. I am having to have my whole Kitchen redone because of the placement of the sink (in a dark corner).
I am so sorry to listen to the story of your husband, midori, it sure sounds like you have a very personal and strong connection with this topic in particular. I do agree with you, and believe me, I do try to be more empathetic and open with my feelings. The problem is, it doesnt matter how open I am about them when no one seems to give a damn about them. Even when we were physically abused, all the atention went to the girls, to me (bleeding and bruised), people do not even turned an eye to.
I tried it, believe me that I did, but only recently with all my suicidal ideation and depression coming so strongly to the forefront of myself and the people around me that people finally started paying attention to it. And I feel I am one of the lucky ones, I cannot imagine how guys who get to this point and still no one seems to care have dealt with this.
Being vulnerable with people who do not care just proves my lack of worth, so I try to deal with things by myself as much as I can (although ineffective, is the only option I had for many years).
You are so right and I agree wholeheartedly with you, but there needs to be will from the men and will from the people around him to make this reality, and society can be very harsh to us when perceived as weak. I encourage people to take good care of both the men and women in their lives. We all need love and to express our emotions
I never knew, Midori, that you had had such a tragic loss. I can only imagine what it must have been like; I am going through what I can only describe as a parallel situation. No drunkenness and no suicide, but a Jekyll and Hyde nevertheless. I go along with what you say about sitting with your back to the wall, but I think we all do that for protection, mostly unconciously, and a sink in a dark corner - well, I can only imagine. Mine is under a window. But this control thing is just awful. You can't help the guy even when he needs help - he doesn't want it. Thank you for sharing. I always think of you as one of the wise old birds of HU.😊
I'll admit to Old, but I would say experienced rather than wise.
My son has recently been diagnose with Type 2 Diabetes, as was his father; He's really down as his escape from bad experiences was Comfort eating, and he's getting rather unpleasant to be near nowadays. He has taken the diagnosis hard, but he's also taking it to extremes, refusing anything with carbs.
I need to get him back to see the Diabetes nurse, and go with him this time, so we can get a chat about diet, etc.
Ah well, Like everything else , it'll come out in the wash!
I am really sorry, Midori. My partner is Type 1 but Type 2 is a different condition altogether. I believe if taken seriously before it takes hold, it can be held back. Together you may be able to do that, but it's hard having all the comfort foods taken away from you. I hope it's not forever, but as you say, it'll come out in the wash! Fingers crossed for you and your son.
Yeah, you are totally right. y¿You would think someone involved in the medical area would understand the importance of medication haha, I just do not like the feeling of being dependant on medicine to work properly. But so is life I guess
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My mental illness
Breakdown
Sitting in the car in front of the ER 
Had a breakdown at school 
