***warning: may trigger***
I feel I rush up the top of my spine activating me and I’m instantly triggered. Some have asked what it feels like; the sensation of the beginning of a panic attack. For me, it’s as though I am seeing the color red but in a feeling. Once I feel it the nerves in my chest heat up and explode outward from my heart. Then it’s a free fall. A plunge as though ther earth has broken beneath my feet and I’m going down into a dark abyss. My mind becomes looped in the free fall. On the outside I try to ground myself, self talk, medication...anything. On the front it’s as though I’m staring at my very hands and am suddenly terrified of them; terrified of my entire existence in this immediate moment where I am both free moving but held captive by the tangle of thought in my brain. I am diseased. I want to be free but I am afraid of freedom. The few phrases that remain constant both pre and post episode are these three: Death is an illusion. I will be happy. Recovery is possible.