Risk taking behaviour *poss triggers*

[Stella180]

When I’m struggling with low mood I have a history of self harm which comes in many forms but one that I don’t hear many other examples of is risk taking behaviour. It’s a way of “punishing” myself for want of a better word.

I feel worthless and so I tend to do things that fit my low opinion of myself. I’m diabetic and on occasions would deliberately eat stuff that I know I shouldn’t cos I didn’t care what happened to me. I have wanted to do things which went against my own moral compass and considered things like buying cigarettes (I don’t smoke and am asthmatic), getting drunk and going for a drive, having sex with a random stranger, finding a dealer and using drugs. These are just some of the things that go through my head not that I have given into all of these urges. I know deep down that I would only feel worst for doing such things but in the moment I just don’t care. I have no respect for myself and feel like I deserve to feel bad.

At the weekend I went on a self destruct mission, going out and drinking way to too much, meeting some guy on the street and agreeing to go back to his place. I didn’t actually get that far and instead he robbed me leaving me stranded with no money, no phone and no way to get home. I know the situation could’ve been a lot worse as he didn’t hurt me but I had deliberately put myself in harms way and I guess I almost wanted something bad to happen.

I wonder if I am the only person who does crazy things like this. In hindsight it seems pretty screwed up to try and sabotage myself, to create more pain because I believe that is what I deserve. This can’t be normal right?

[JAYnLA]

Normal? Well, it's 'normal' for people dealing with anxiety and depression perhaps. Lots of people - even ones without formal diagnoses - do these things.

[sharpest7]

I'm asthmatic too but this seems to me normal. I'm smoking sometimes weed or sisha and after that I'm in trouble with my lungs so I know how u are feeling. You can slip but inside you know that was not okay and just because others do these type of things you don't need to copy them cause you are special. Next time you can say to yourself that here are some people which are also alone and like me had problems with self harming. Sending hug to you and strength to stand up again.

[amandagray]

risky behavior is a common symptom of borderline personality disorder which is often treated with DBT which is actually really helpful even if u dont have this particular disorder. i would say maybe look into that if u get a chance. i have also struggled with self harm and dbt was helpful for me. i really hope u start to feel better soon❤️

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I did all of that for about 5-6 years through college and a few years after. My thinking was that I didn't matter. I think I outgrew it once I found something to focus on that I had high hopes for. While you are in the middle of it, though, it is the hardest time.

Do you have a therapist you can call? We need like an AA sponsor who can talk us down from the ledge.

You are worth it, so keep trying. Try to find other outlets. My friend used to go to the batting cages to let out her rage.

Do some research on shame and how to overcome it. That is my biggest trigger.

[Marimac]

Hi Stella, I'm sorry you have to go through that. My self hate inflictions are somewhat different and I believe they're mainly caused from my strict religious upbringing. But I believe the concept is the same. Finding and connecting with others who experience what you do would be my first suggestion. I hope you've been able to do that here. One thing that aggravates me is people who don't understand offering their advice or my favorite, 'can you not just stop?'. I know most of them mean well but I've reached a point where I no longer feel the need to explain myself to anyone. That in itself is a huge relief. Giving myself permission to feel bad when I do and not trying to force myself to feel better when I don't also helps. It seems to at least lighten what I'm feeling. One other thing that has helped me is to get good and angry every once in a while. You nor I deserve any of this crap we deal with! Just make sure you don't direct that anger towards yourself. If you can't think of anywhere else, direct it at anyone who may have ever looked at you as being weak. We aren't weak, we deal with the issues we have and keep moving. I bet none of them could survive nearly as well if they had to go through any of this.

[Hidden]

I used to wish for death. The last time I did this was on my anniversary with my abusive husband. I prayed for a way out, asked for death even and said please take me in a car wreck. That very day I was in a highway rollover that almost killed me. When I was crashing I said, this is how I'm gonna die. But I didn't really want death. I just wanted out of a bad situation. Obviously I made it and after that I never asked for death again. I thing it was God's way of saying be careful what you wish for. After that I woke up and found the strength to leave and live on my own. Death is not what you want. You want peace and it is possible and it will come.