When I’m struggling with low mood I have a history of self harm which comes in many forms but one that I don’t hear many other examples of is risk taking behaviour. It’s a way of “punishing” myself for want of a better word.
I feel worthless and so I tend to do things that fit my low opinion of myself. I’m diabetic and on occasions would deliberately eat stuff that I know I shouldn’t cos I didn’t care what happened to me. I have wanted to do things which went against my own moral compass and considered things like buying cigarettes (I don’t smoke and am asthmatic), getting drunk and going for a drive, having sex with a random stranger, finding a dealer and using drugs. These are just some of the things that go through my head not that I have given into all of these urges. I know deep down that I would only feel worst for doing such things but in the moment I just don’t care. I have no respect for myself and feel like I deserve to feel bad.
At the weekend I went on a self destruct mission, going out and drinking way to too much, meeting some guy on the street and agreeing to go back to his place. I didn’t actually get that far and instead he robbed me leaving me stranded with no money, no phone and no way to get home. I know the situation could’ve been a lot worse as he didn’t hurt me but I had deliberately put myself in harms way and I guess I almost wanted something bad to happen.
I wonder if I am the only person who does crazy things like this. In hindsight it seems pretty screwed up to try and sabotage myself, to create more pain because I believe that is what I deserve. This can’t be normal right?