Overall I have a good life. Sure I have my struggles. Who doesn’t? My meds are woking and I have a good therapist.
However, I have a tumultuous past. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional home. My father was emotionally and physically violent. My mother was never there to nurture me from my pain. Then throughout my public school years I was bullied. In the summers my parents sent me off to summer camp where I was only miserable.
My therapy has helped me move beyond these bad memories and accept who I am today.
The hardship though is the Tapes from the past still play in my head. It’s so damned hard to shut them off. My therapist (and many others) tell me the past is over and done. I get that. But the Tapes of all the abuse I suffered in the past still play. And that’s where I get stuck in the loop of fear which leads to my social anxiety. I have PTSD (or something like that) where it frightens me to get out there and socialize because of what’s happened to me in the past. In turn, I isolate and the Tapes continue to play.
I wish there was a way to permanently shut them off. But there isn’t. I don’t want to live in pity. I just want these Tapes to leave me alone so I can once and for all conquer my fears of socializing.