Overall I have a good life. Sure I have my struggles. Who doesn’t? My meds are woking and I have a good therapist.
However, I have a tumultuous past. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional home. My father was emotionally and physically violent. My mother was never there to nurture me from my pain. Then throughout my public school years I was bullied. In the summers my parents sent me off to summer camp where I was only miserable.
My therapy has helped me move beyond these bad memories and accept who I am today.
The hardship though is the Tapes from the past still play in my head. It’s so damned hard to shut them off. My therapist (and many others) tell me the past is over and done. I get that. But the Tapes of all the abuse I suffered in the past still play. And that’s where I get stuck in the loop of fear which leads to my social anxiety. I have PTSD (or something like that) where it frightens me to get out there and socialize because of what’s happened to me in the past. In turn, I isolate and the Tapes continue to play.
I wish there was a way to permanently shut them off. But there isn’t. I don’t want to live in pity. I just want these Tapes to leave me alone so I can once and for all conquer my fears of socializing.
Written by
MrZee
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Those darned tapes! I have some too and it takes so much to erase them...completely! My tapes involve my Father telling me what a low-life I am in great detail. I struggle with those tapes every single time I enter active depression. I know they’re lies and today, not reality-based, so why continue to entertain them? That’s the question! I feel determined not to go there anymore...it’s just not believable. When those thoughts enter your mind, try to replace them with what you know to be the truth about yourself now, today. You’ve got to let go...I don’t think you have...of that misery-filled past life. Leave it there and walk away...🌷🙂🌷
Noticed you capitalize “Tapes” as if they have some great importance. They have none apart from the power you give them. What if you burn them in a huge gargantuan bonfire?! How about smashing them with a giant hammer? How about we drop them into a river of lava? What would you then do with yourself if you couldn’t torture yourself with the ash and dust that was once the tapes? It’s a story and you’ve written yourself in as the victim. Time to write a new chapter! You as the hero, the conqueror, the one empowered by the present moment that is completely NEW. Today is pure possibility. That’s all you’ll ever experience. You see yourself as you assume they saw you: weak, different, less than. Nope. They were wrapped up in their own “stuff” and they don’t remember any of the “stuff” you are still hanging on to. Don’t give your power away anymore. Listen to Eckhart Tolle and it’s like bathing in a sacred waterfall that cleanses you of all the residue of disillusionment you’ve held onto for so long. Reframe, release, recharge, revamp, renegotiate. The “pain body” is just gorging on these tapes and the ego loves to be fed these thoughts of “the past”, “the story of me”, this terrible thing that happened and that. Starve your mind of this toxic sludge that doesn’t serve you, doesn’t help you, and leave the ego behind to find peace. We all have dark episodes from our past. Don’t personalize past events and weave them into the fabric of present day. It’s an unnecessary burden. It does take time to heal from trauma but it shouldn’t take decades. This may just be classic depression. No fun. The thing is you’re confronting it now. That’s progress. Be more forceful. Karate chop these tapes in the throat. Zap them with a taser and dump them in the bay. Get physical and tell them to eff off. It’s time to let go. You’re getting closer every day.
I must say your response is terse. But I need to hear that because you are spot on. So I thank you for that.
As for quashing the Tapes, I’m trying.
Thank you for your caring feedback. ❤️
Best,
MZ
Mr Zee, I know entirely too much what you’re saying. I repeat the same tapes in my head over & over again. The times that my sister molested me. The times that my ex cheated on me & manipulated me into getting back with him. The times my friends turned their backs on me & bullied me for being in love with a black man. The times that my ex put his hands on me roughly. And the worst one... The time that he pushed me out of a car & I lost my baby girl. I’m not sure what we’re suppose to do with that. I really don’t. You’re the one always giving me such amazing advice, & it hurts me that I cannot return the favor. You’re such an amazing man & from the words you tell me all the time, it seems like you’ve made it. That you’ve gotten past what has hurt you in the past. I guess I shouldn’t assume, huh? I just want you to know that I see the man you are. You’re a terrific man. I look up to you immensely. And I’m here for you always. I hope that someday we can burn these tapes. We don’t need them anymore. <3
Though you look up to me, I’m not perfect. I have my “stuff” too.
Yet we’re here to offer each other support. Your response tells me I’m not alone with the Tapes. So that means a lot that we can relate having similar challenges.
Well, the same for you as for me... with what we’ve been through, we’re only stronger much better people.
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My mind is playing games
Tired of playing the waiting game. 
Suffering still with suicidal ideation
