Today I’m struggling with whether to return to the remote area that triggered my depression and anxiety. I feel instant terror just to think that if I do decide to go back that I will once again fall in the darkness of depression and horrible thoughts. Yet at the same time part of my brain wants to think that it’s only temporarily and that time flies by.
Just to give some perspective, last year I moved to a small town of roughly 20,000 people. Very worn out, middle of nowhere, nothing to do sort of place. It was an advancement opportunity to further my career in my job, so of course I decided to take a leap of faith to the unknown and see where life takes me. With little knowledge of the town, or surrounding, but with enthusiasm and motivated to advance in my career I did not think much of it. Little did I know that I was entering an environment completely different of what I am used to. Where the roads, people, or even climate different, but I didn’t stop to think that transitioning to such an extreme would end up in getting me sick. I did not only try to overlook the depression that had set in upon my first week of arrival, but had let go of myself. Found it almost impossible to find anything in common with the locals, or even an activity to join that would be remotely familiar to myself.
I had no way to relieve any stress build up to the program I was attending, nor did I have a support system. I did not have a close friend i could vent to, or laugh with. I did not have a family member that could come stay with me for at least a day or two due to the distance. I found myself crying every night, neglecting meals, and hiding all my pains during the day in hopes that I’d faked it well enough I would maybe start to believe that everything could be ok.
Eventually after my medical diagnosis became clear by my physician and seeing that the small town didn’t even have the specialist required to treat it. I returned home. The company understood where I was coming from and they had documentation of my challenges encountered. I had been seen a therapist to help me through the struggles and she was able to also provide feedback of the emotional aspects that had develop on top of the medical condition.
After being back at home from such experience I was skeptical about everything and everyone. Even though I knew I was home surrounded by what I know and had, it did not feel mine. I was sooo scared to feel pain, it almost felt unreal to think that I was back to what I onced called normal. Eventually over the weeks and beginning of treatment I did start to not feel sooo afraid, but I was still sad. I tried all I could not to feel sad, but at the same time talking to people or being around people made my anxiety uncomfortable. I did not want to discuss what happened, because no one could relate, nor was able to respond when I was honest and brought the big “depression” work out in the conversation. I could see it made them uncomfortable and unable to respond to it. At the same time it was hard for me to discuss it since I had always presented myself as if I had it all figured out.
So I started to isolate myself from scenarios that involved crowds, tried to avoid going out to family dinners even because I could sense dissapoitment if their faces or body language.
After a year of successful medical treatment my doctor had cleared me from the prior medical condition diagnosed. Things started to begin to feel like they could maybe go back to what is normal or at least positive direction.
Even though I try my hardest not to show on the daily how broken I feel in the inside, I am extremely sad at least once a week. I can be laying in bed with my partner and just cry myself to sleep without them noticing or if they do maybe they are just too tired to say anything. And so now that at least i know I’m healthy biologically I had considered going back to pursue the training to advance in my career. Unfortunately the training is only available in that same town that has left me with the most painful version of myself that I have ever withness and feel afraid to go though the same pattern of letting myself go.
I keep contemplating a possible career change, perhaps a less paying job, with less stress, but possible higher reward in what I do. Yet for such thing to happen I do too need to make that decision and pull the trigger for that change to take place. Or I could wait out a whole other year to apply to other trIning locations to where I would have to pay 3 to 4 times more, but in areas to where I might feel more comfortable in. Yet won’t change the fact that I might be in a job that not only bring high stress levels to myself but also doesn’t guarantee an immediate raise or position just because of the higher training.
I can’t imagine a scenario where things would be different during training this 2nd time around if I decided to move again.
Any feedback?
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