After a one-month internet break...

[Sylvain-]

Hi everyone.

I haven't been here for quite a moment now. Following my therapist's advice, I took a one-month break from the internet—especially to cut off constant self-devaluation from upward comparison.

It didn't help. To summarize my story, I was on sick leave for several years because of clinical depression, mainly focused on my lack of success in my professional life. I was highly skilled in computer programming and had formal training as an engineer, but I chose education as a career path. Something that appeared to be a dead end. I was now forcibly retired for a medical condition.

Through the years and at regular intervals, I tried to find another job, but I couldn't valorize my experience, and the outcome was systemically negative.

I tried maintaining an online presence, notably on Twitter, through technical blog posts and Youtube videos. But I'm a perfectionist and never satisfied with my results, so I had to constantly fight against myself to find the motivation to work on that. After my website was hacked in October, with some financial loss as a consequence, I definitely gave up my efforts.

I talk to no one except my wife and child, I have no friends, and I never go outside the house. And it's been like that for years. I constantly feel ashamed of myself, and I feel like I totally lack any competencies. I have no energy and no willingness. Even if someone came to propose me a dream job, I would refuse because I would not feel the height for *any* position.

I know there are many people with way more difficulties than myself, and I feel guilty for constantly wasting my time in complaints and self-pity. I now try to accept I have to bury the hopes I had while I was young and try to be satisfied with what I have. But it didn't help: there is a part of myself that can't stop blaming myself for having wasted my life to the point of no return. And overall, I don't feel good at all.

[Blueruth]

nice to see you. I was a little worried. Nice podcast by Sean Illing on social media vs networks. As a fellow geek and educator you might like it. There is hope but it won’t be called “media”.

As a woman I’m amazed at the intensity of shame in men. There’s definitely something cultural at play. Burying stuff is incredibly unhealthy. Anyway you aren’t alone. Brene brown tends to resonate more with women but worth checking out. Another one I just found is Gabor Mate.

I mean there are many people who have less AND there are many people who have more. The guilt you feel isn’t guilt… it’s shame. Brown defines it as blaming you the person whereas guilt is feeling bad about an act which is actually useful because it encourages you not to repeat. But shame is just unhealthy, unproductive and a lie.

[Sylvain- in reply to Blueruth]

Thanks for your reply, Blueruth.

You were already incredibly helpful, and I don't want to waste your time. The last few weeks were tough, and I feel like going in a circle: one step forward, then one step backward, ruminating the same old thoughts. I've identified a couple of key moments in my life where I acted cowardly or made the wrong decision. Not only do I feel bad for having wasted opportunities because of fear and my lack of courage. But I also feel bad because if I had the same chances again today, I wouldn't have the energy and willingness to make the right decision—and I would inevitably make the same errors again. It's devastating because I feel like there is something irremediably broken in my own personality.

Thank you for the links. The distinction between guilt and shame is well spot on. I feel shame, no doubt about it. As you said, it's unhealthy and unhelpful. But that is a very powerful feeling.

[Blueruth in reply to Sylvain-]

what does your wife say?

[Sylvain- in reply to Blueruth]

She used to be upset because of our limited social life. She talked several times with my therapists. It is not easy to live with a highly depressed person. She knows when I'm very bad, there is not much she can do besides leaving me alone. She often says no one blames me except me.

[Blueruth in reply to Sylvain-]

"She often says no one blames me except me." that sounds right. I think you are highly intelligent person. as I have said before, I admire people who can teach and especially if they teach code. And I have a lot of teachers, trainers, what have you in my life. I don't know what to do to convince you of that. You seem to be holding onto a career that is for whatever reason allusive but the fact of the matter is that is not the best thing you can do with your life. it isn't even close to the only thing. In fact most people seek some career and hardly anyone does what they thought they would. look at all the people that run to hollywood and get maybe one bit part. Heck... nobody dreams of a trash person but as it turns out statistically people who do "dirty jobs" are the most satisfied. Can you imagine asking a kid what they want to do when they grow up? "Yeah... I want to dig into dumpsters and fight rats... woo hoo!"

You have an amazing wife. If for no other reason I think you should figure this out for her. (Don't fake it but actually figure out how you can get right with your career.)

[Sylvain- in reply to Blueruth]

I thought a lot about my "motivations" recently. I answer with more detail as a reply to Scansnap below, I think.

The Hollywood comparison is interesting. One possible difference is I am not seeking only my self-satisfaction. It is also I've done nothing for the world. I read Gabor Maté's Scattered Minds. Even if I do not have ADD, his description is very close to my experience. Maybe I did hope to counterbalance my low self-esteem and justify my existence by seeking world approval. Or maybe I am in desperate need to be needed or admired. However I cannot make my mind to accept being a low achiever is my nature and I should be satisfied with that.

[scansnap]

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of low self-esteem. You are in a spiral in which you are ashamed of yourself and what you have done or have not done, and that makes you I'm unwilling to engage in other activities, which in turn increases your shame.

Since it sounds like your wife is supportive and you mention going to therapy ,I would add two suggestions. The first is my standard suggestion to read the book Feeling Great by David Burns. It will teach you how to use cognitive behavioral therapy for yourself and help you deal with many of the thoughts that you're having that make you feel bad. In addition, I think you would actually benefit from reading some of the Stoic philosophers, such as Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus. Stoic philosophy is a very down-to-earth and basic set of ideas about how to live your life well and be in harmony with the world around you. Either of the works by these philosophers is short and easy to understand and actually addresses many of the issues that you have brought up. Both these books are available on Amazon and are inexpensive.

[Sylvain- in reply to scansnap]

Thanks for your reply, Scansnap.

In my 20s, I read many "self-help" books. Usually, they were very promising and hope-inspiring. "That would be great". But after a few weeks of following general advice (nutrition, physical exercise, positive thinking, ...) or torturing myself in trying with inconclusive psychological/social/interpersonal relationships exercises, I had to face the conclusion: "it's not for me".

I started therapies seven years ago, in my early 40s, after a burnout. I was diagnosed with life-long depression, social anxiety, and other conditions. I am currently following psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and medication. It would probably be worse without that, but I can't say I am going well.

Nevertheless, I will follow your advice by reading David Burns. I also downloaded Marcus Aurelius' Meditations and the Discourses of Epictetus as I am unfamiliar with stoicism and epicureanism beyond the general ideas of "desire what you have" or "carpe diem". Those are good advice to enjoy your life. But enjoying my life was never my main goal. I was raised with the idea life is suffering (and indeed, it is), and I would have hoped for more than a meaningless and useless life focused on nothing beyond my own pleasure. I didn't matter. I have done nothing useful, and I will never do. It wouldn't have changed anything if I had never existed. In a sense, I followed the worst path: the one with no (external) achievements and no (internal) satisfaction. Does a life like that really worth to be lived?

[Mrspjsmom]

I avoid Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. This is the only online forum I am on. Social media can make me feel horrible so one by one I stopped going on. It helped my mood tremendously.

[Sylvain- in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Thanks for the reply. For the last year or so, I was only active on Twitter. I used it only for "serious" things, so I avoided most trash or hate-related content.I tried to build and maintain a better, more professional image of myself than in real life. I've made connections with great people. But in the end, I'm jealous and despaired ofseeinge they were so successful and overall more skilled for life than me. For as long as I remember, I never compared favorably with others, even long before the existence of social networks.

[scansnap]

I am sorry to hear about your emotional state. I also suffer from a good deal of anxiety and depression. It is my experience that it is always something that needs to be worked on and may not always produce good results.

If you have been in cognitive therapy, then Feeling Great I should be fairly understandable to you and it has the advantage of providing actual exercises you can do it may help you to find additional benefits from the therapy.

The treatments we use for pression anxiety really have not changed much in the last 50 or 60 years. Meditations have fewer side effects than they used to, but I'm not really any more effective.

There are some new treatments on the market that are very promising but not yep available to the public. These include transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), hallucinogenics, and ketamine. These are available if you look hard enough but they're not covered by insurance. (TMS is covered by Medicare but it sounds like you're not on Medicare at this point.)

I wish you well.

[Sylvain- in reply to scansnap]

I have started studying stoicism to discover I've mistaken Epicurus for Epictetus in my previous message. Sorry for the error.

Acting in harmony with one's nature, according to what feels reasonable and what seems right, are ideas somewhat familiar to me. Probably I've already read other texts inspired by this philosophy. It also makes echo to things I heard a lot in therapy. That I did my best according to the circumstances, that I chose what seemed the right path at the moment, or that I acted according to my true self. It has never comforted me that "my best" led to such a pitiful outcome.

Concerning TMS and other new treatments, I saw in other posts they are topics of interest to you. I'm not very familiar with that. Technically I'm not covered by Medicare as I am a French man living in France. We have Social Security, but I don't know if it covers those treatments.