Not getting a response back

[perkofawallflower]

One of the hardest things for me is not getting a response back right away from a text message I send esp to my boyfriend. I know it’s my insecurities and fear of abandonment. Does anyone else feel anxious about this? I try to keep myself busy and remind myself that he is just busy esp because he has his daughter.

[littleorange8]

same here. i know this is not always the case but for me, it turned out because he didn’t care about me and was cheating.

[perkofawallflower in reply to littleorange8]

Awww I am really sorry he was cheating on you. That’s my biggest fear because I have been cheated on many times in the past and I have a very hard time trusting anyone.

[littleorange8 in reply to perkofawallflower]

maybe have a serious talk with him about it? i tried many times to control myself from getting mentally overdramatic about him not replying, but sometimes our intuition is correct *especially if it’s persistent*

[littleorange8 in reply to littleorange8]

but from my experience with him and other guys, i realized (in my personal opinion) that it had to do with how secure the guys made me feel. with my cheating bf, i had always got panic attacks and got SO worried when he wouldn’t reply. but with the bfs who had treated me “well”, i didn’t really get affected if they didn’t reply right away

[perkofawallflower in reply to littleorange8]

I trust my current boyfriend I know my anxiety about it stems from my past and my insecurities with myself. He has never given me a reason to think he’s cheating. He’s always up front with me. The only person who I worry about is his ex wife who texts him all the time because they have a child together and she has very poor boundaries but he is very open about what they talk about and has set boundaries with her now.

[softwaremom00]

I love your username. When I read your post it reminded me of those days that I dated and had the same feelings you have. Would it help for you to put your phone on "Do Not Disturb" - then you won't feel like you are waiting.. you can put it aside and forget about. Maybe only check texts/voicemail twice a day(or some other amount). It is hard at first but eventually so freeing. Lots of hugs!

Softwaremom

[perkofawallflower in reply to softwaremom00]

Yeah it’s so hard I mean him and I text a lot throughout the day and then sometimes we don’t text for a few hours. It just brings up anxiety in me and I try to reality test myself. I have a lot of difficulty trusting ppl.

[perkofawallflower in reply to softwaremom00]

Thanks for liking my username

[AZ1970]

What kinds of things are you texting him? Is it a question that can wait until you see him in person? If so, I would not text him while he is spending time with his daughter. Then you are not setting yourself up for the anxiety. Find things to do while he is with her. Plan ahead so you have things to keep yourself busy. Anxiety gets worse with repetition. The more you text him, the worse it will get. Find new behaviors to get yourself away from the "reinforcement" of his replies.

[perkofawallflower in reply to AZ1970]

Thanks these all sound like good ideas. I guess sometimes I feel like I need to text him for reassurance which I should just trust that he loves me and would never cheat on me.

[Hidden]

This is harsh and unnecessary.

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

I agree he was being harsh.

[icDavey]

Sometimes the harsh IS necessary. Is anything I said in there untrue or overly presumptive? Perk, what do you think?

[Hidden in reply to icDavey]

Are you kidding me?

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for pointing this out. I was actually sleeping so I couldn’t respond to his post. I definitely agree with you that his comment was harsh and unnecessary

[Hidden in reply to perkofawallflower]

of course I had to say something this is not acceptable behavior at all. Peace to you ..

[perkofawallflower in reply to icDavey]

I believe you were harsh. It did not upset me but I could see where it would upset someone else. I am mature and do not let comments like yours get to me. Just because it doesn’t upset me, doesn’t mean your comment was helpful or right. Before giving someone advice in such a harsh reply, maybe speak to the person in a positive way first to see how they respond to your comment. I already am aware of my behavior and currently working on it, so pointing it out in such a harsh tone is rude and could make he person feel ashamed. My anxiety does not make me immature. My self awareness makes me a strong women. I never said I actually kept texting him over and over. next time seek clarification before making rash judgements against someone.

[perkofawallflower]

I was going to say while some of what you say is true. Your delivery could use some help. Yelling at someone (saying STOP) for behavior will not fix he behavior. I was going to say, you do not know me or my past nor do you understand what motivates my behavior. Yes I know what makes me behave the way I do. I never said that I did keep texting him. I said I keep myself busy so obviously I haven’t been texting him. I was just venting my frustration about the anxiety that surrounds this issue. But pointing out that the behavior is wrong when that person is aware and making them feel guilty is not helpful nor do I appreciate it. Before you post something, maybe try typing something that is more positive because you never know if something you type can trigger someone. I personally am not triggered by it. Next time you could cause someone to feel ashamed and even worse. Lucky enough I do not care about someone else’s comment because I know who I am as a person and am not taking your comment to heart. In my post I asked if anyone else has ever felt that way. Maybe next time just answer the question in the post instead of ridiculing someone for their anxiety. We are here to support each other not tear each other down.

[icDavey in reply to perkofawallflower]

My apologies. While I think my words had value in their assertiveness, I would not offend. I have had people actually thank me for using that approach. In the right mood, it can be like a therapeutic slap to the face.

[perkofawallflower in reply to icDavey]

I accept your apology. I am not a person that like harsh words and not everyone does. Sometimes there’s assertiveness and being overly assertive and there’s a fine line that maybe needs to be found before commenting to someone. Have a great night

[Hidden]

I have relationship anxiety. I've dealt with jealousy, insecurity issues, and definitely abandonment issues. I've worked on it myself with CBT, boosting my self-esteem, and focusing on the things that interest me. It's also important to keep yourself distracted and learn how to trust your boyfriend. Good luck!

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. I have never tried CBT maybe I should look into it.

[Hidden in reply to perkofawallflower]

I would suggest getting the Feeling Good Handbook. My therapist suggested it to me and it has a lot of relationship scenarios.

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

Oh do you know where I can find it?

[Hidden in reply to perkofawallflower]

Try Amazon. It's also $1.99 on the Barnes and Nobles marketplace.

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

Oh nice thank you so much I will check it out

[Hidden in reply to perkofawallflower]

You're welcome. Good luck!

[Marshall64 in reply to Hidden]

I have the book. Do you do the worksheets? I keep starting to read the book but the author asks you to make the lists. I have to admit, I'm lazy and don't want to it.

[perkofawallflower in reply to Marshall64]

I am going to try and do the worksheets. I found that when I actually do the work, I do better. Just reading is not good for me. I do better with making changes by reading and also doing what it recommends

[Hidden in reply to Marshall64]

I do the work along with the book because it's the best way to make this kind of therapy work for you.

[ErikViking]

That drives me bananas! You're not the only one!

[perkofawallflower in reply to ErikViking]

Yes so much. I am learning to just give him time to respond as I do it longer longer, I don’t get as anxious.

[Hidden in reply to ErikViking]

It's nice to hear that from a guy's persepective. Refreshing.

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

Yes!!!!

[ErikViking]

Good idea, I'm sure that helps!

[perkofawallflower in reply to ErikViking]

Yes it does and then I try to reality test my thoughts. I tell myself he is just busy and he’s working or he has his daughter that day. Him and I don’t go very long without texting but I can still feel the anxiety sometimes but I give him space and time to answer. Occasionally I slip and I am like hello? Which I know is insecure and needy of me. He knows I am working on it and he says I am doing such a good job with not being needy about it.

[whole_empty]

My first reply and post, I joined this exactly for this issue!

49 years old and I have the EXACT same self-esteem issues as you Perk! I have a brand new relationship and my greatest fear is that this will drive her away. Luckily, she is the greatest thing ever and I'm able to explain to her my faults/weaknesses/feelings - most of the time.

I'm looking for anything that helps me "learn to love myself." That's the thing - somehow we need to love ourselves and understand that our significant other does not dictate whether we are loved.

I'm reading a book from Gary Hendricks, "Learning to Love Yourself". Can't say that it has helped, basically saying that we should embrace the feelings we are having...tell ourselves "I love that you are worried about not receiving a text quickly." Trying to figure this out...how it will help... Basically embracing the feeling (gut punch) and getting past it.

Happy to be a sounding board for you Perk, and vice-versa! We can all use someone to support us!

[perkofawallflower in reply to whole_empty]

My relationship is pretty new two we have been dating for almost 4 months. He’s amazing and great and understanding. He’s very supportive and understands my anxiety. He tells me when I get needy sometimes that he understands it is a part of who I am and that I am working on it. I know it has nothing to do with his actions and more my insecurities due to past relationships. I remind myself of ways that he treats me well and shows his love to me. I remind myself not to read into things to make me think he could be cheating.

[Hidden in reply to whole_empty]

My boyfriend actually left me because he said I needed to learn to love myself. This is a great question & I wish I knew the answer.

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

It is sometimes hard to love ourselves if we have anxiety and depression. We have all these negative thoughts going through our minds. I just tell myself they are lies and then think about things that you are good at. Maybe message a close friend and ask what they feel your strengths are. I did that last night and it really helped. Learning to challenge our thoughts can change how you view yourself and you can also start loving yourself. I know it’s easier to give into the negative thoughts and believe them when you feel stressed. That’s the best time to sit back and remind yourself how amazing you are. I realize that I can’t find self esteem or happiness from others. I actually learned to love myself when I stopped worrying about dating and I focused on myself.

[Hidden in reply to perkofawallflower]

That’s what I am doing too. I am having a very difficult time with all my issues, & I know that even though I love him, I can’t love him properly until I love myself. He said he’s not gone forever, he just thinks we both need to work on ourselves & I need to learn to love myself. Because I don’t. Not even a little bit. I’m doing this for me, not him. If he comes back someday, that would be lovely. Cause boy, do I love him... but I know that I deserve much better than what he’s given me to. Someone that truly loves you wouldn’t give up on you, right? That’s what I think anyways. Maybe he’s doing me a good service by letting me go right now, but it sure doesn’t feel that way when I needed him so badly.

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I believe it’s timing. Maybe he truly loves you and you truly love him but it’s not the right time to be together or he’s not in the right place to be with you. I know right now I have some insecurity issues I need to work on and my boyfriend is in full support of me. He also has some baggage issues with his ex wife who acts like he’s still hers emotionally and she texts him all the time for attention. But since we started dating he’s stood up to her and set boundaries. So I am working hard on my issues so I can be my best self and also a good partner for him. Personally, I would want someone who would stick with me through thick and thin. I believe being in a relationship with someone is because you see a future with that person. I don’t just date someone to date someone. Wouldn’t you want someone that’s all in with you? If he can’t stick with you now, what’s saying in the future something hard came along? Would he leave then too? I can’t speak on his behalf and say he doesn’t love you. I have learned that I love myself more than to put a guy before myself. If they can’t be with me when I am at my lowest they sure as don’t get me at my best. I know you can do this girl. Trust me I have been there. It gets better.

[Hidden in reply to perkofawallflower]

Thank you for saying that. I am fighting everyday to let him go. He was there for me for months, but he says I pushed him away too. I don’t know. It’s really a mess, & I am also a mess haha. You’re right tho. I’ve always said, if you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best. I’m super happy for you that you have someone that’s there for you through this. That’s what I long for someday. I don’t love myself & I know it’s gonna take awhile before that happens . I am gonna be okay. He’s a beautiful person to me anyways, & I don’t hate him for it. I will figure out a way to cope with this & in the long run I’ll know that I did this all on my own. <3

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

It sounds like you have a great mindset about what’s going on with the situation. It’s okay to be a mess sometimes. I remember a post breakup I had and I cried in bed for a long time at night and I would listen to sad songs on YouTube. I would cry in the shower. I just let myself feel my emotions. It was probably the best therapy for me. Eventually day by day, I was getting a little bit better. I got to a point where I was like hey I want to work on myself and I did. So cry, yell, scream into a pillow if you need to right now. You sound like a great person and he could be passing up something good. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to vent or talk you can send me a private message too.

[Hidden in reply to perkofawallflower]

That’s EXACTLY what I am doing. Hahaha. I cry at night & I feel a lot better during the day. Oh, I already did all of the drunk texting & begging for him to come pick me up. I can’t do that anymore. I feel like I am taking this breakup harder than my long term relationship because he was there to help me through my recovery. He’s still a great person, & he’s also in recovery for drug addiction. He actually slept with a random girl when we first started dating & I am the one who ended things with him last week, but I didn’t expect us to be done. I thought he would fight me on it, & he didn’t. Perhaps he’s not the right guy for me, huh? I am going to be okay. I feel much better today than all the other days & I know that I deserve better than this. You can also pm me anytime too, girlie. I am a great listener! <3

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

I am sorry for everything that has transpired. I know that really it’s about the quality of the relationship and not quantity of time of the relationship. Like I have dated someone for a long time and minimal feelings and other times I get feelings right away and he break up is super hard. Maybe he isn’t the right guy or maybe you both will work on yourselves and later down the road it will work out. Him sleeping with someone else while you were dating isn’t very good on his part. I could never stay with someone who cheated on me, that’s a deal breaker for me. I have lost all respect for that person and I couldn’t trust them again. But for some ppl they can forgive someone for cheating. But it sounds like you’re in the right path. My name is Shante btw

[Hidden in reply to perkofawallflower]

My name is Kayla. And you’re absolutely right, I was with a man ten years (whom I loved) but I’ll tell you... the few months I dated my recent ex, I felt more for him than I did the entire relationship with my first love. Maybe it’s because he didn’t hurt me physically, but he still hurt me & that matters too. I’m really glad that you’re happy now. It’s a testament that it CAN work with someone like us that struggles with anxiety & depression. So I wish you all the happiness in the world with your man & I am rooting for you to make it. <3

[perkofawallflower in reply to Hidden]

Aww thanks Kayla and I hope you find happiness too 🤗🤗🤗