Bfriend has few boundaries w ex wife

[gourmetgirl48]

Ive been dating someone on off for 2yrs. He knows i have problem w his lack of boundaries w ex. Yesterday he tells me he and her and their kid 20yrs old wentnto Ikea so he could help her pick up cabinets. I feel he is disrespecting my discomfort w activities like that. Should i tell him he needs to set boundaries bor im out

[Hidden]

Cabinets for the kid?

[gourmetgirl48 in reply to Hidden]

No think they were for exwife..he still helps her do handyman stuff and moving stuff likevthis..bothers me

[Hidden in reply to gourmetgirl48]

You don't trust him?

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

It's not about trust so much as that's just not Kosher to be in a new relationship and be this involved with an ex-. just kinda weird.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

It is weird indeed but if she trusts him then maybe the ex is the problem.?

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

if they are so platonic, then why doesn't the ex- wife invite the new girlfriend over, it's not so much that she doesn't trust him...it could be more of not trusting the ex's intentions because she doesn't know her, ...

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

That's what I mean, maybe the ex is up to something.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

yeah, I agree jimmyjimmy, I think she's controlling, the ex-, and even thought they are not a couple any more, she isn't willing to let her handyman slash go to guy have his own life outside of her controlling him, maybe he's co-dependant and is just not realizing he's destroying his current relationship by always being available to this ex-.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Agreed.

[gourmetgirl48 in reply to fauxartist]

I think he is codependant and probably likes to feel needed but fails to see the impact it has on my feelings. If he doesnt make a plan to curb it I have to move on

[fauxartist in reply to gourmetgirl48]

I'm afraid your going to have to talk to him calmly, and diplomatically....tell him that you have hit a brick wall with this and that your needing to get some clarity about where you stand...

[gourmetgirl48 in reply to fauxartist]

Yeah I am going to try and be calm and see if I get a feel for whether hes willing to compromise..im not gonna ask that he never sees or talks to her but there have to be some boundaries

[gourmetgirl48 in reply to fauxartist]

I totally agree and does not sit well w me at all.. I feel almost like her needs are more important than mine

[fauxartist in reply to gourmetgirl48]

I don't think your BF realizes your dilemma...would you be willing to be friends with the ex-....get to know her...or is it just too much all together...it could be a breaking point for you if something isn't worked out for sure.

[gourmetgirl48 in reply to fauxartist]

He did mention a year ago for me to meet her to see that nothing is there but even tho therevprob is nothing there romantically it still bothers me that he is still attached to her in that way

[Dubba61]

Mmm. dont think i,d be to happy about that. Tell him, if he wants to go anywhere with her again you'll need to go with them. Maybe it,ll put her off asking him. 😊✌️🌻

[fauxartist]

yeah..I think if it bothers you...which it would bother a lot of people really....then I would tell him it's a bit hard for you to understand why he seems to be doing these kinds of things for her when they are supposed to be divorced. I would be a bit uncomfortable with it, I'd like to know what her intentions were, who initiated the divorce and why....if she is now involved with someone else now and has no intentions to re-kindle a relationship with him. But if he is just paying for the furniture as part of his support for his kid, then I wouldn't worry about that.

[gourmetgirl48 in reply to fauxartist]

Yeah bothers me a lot. Theyve been divorced for 16 yrs but she lives 2vdoors down w their 20 yr old son but he still goes over to visit them, not a lot but he still helps her w handyman stuff. Ive tried to tell him my discomfort and he doesntb get why id be upset bcs its pkatonic. I find it disrespectful and want hime to have boundaries.

[gourmetgirl48 in reply to fauxartist]

Hes not payin for the cabinets and she does not have bfriend

[fauxartist in reply to gourmetgirl48]

no...I think it could be an impasse in your relationship....I would not be comfortable with it...you may trust him....but you don't know her, and I would not be comfortable not knowing her full intentions for wanting to keep him on a short leash when they are no longer a couple.

[gourmetgirl48 in reply to fauxartist]

Yeah it could be. I dont think she wants him back but she wants the benefits of being married living so closevto him ie get him to do practical stuff and in past he has gotten defensive and he knows its an issue w me yet hes not curbing it so i think i will tell him tday.. I cannot move pastvfriendship if he continues to help her out so much

[Hidden]

I know for some it works and it’s ok. I think most are uncomfortable with this sort of situation. I think I would be uncomfortable with it..

Maybe chat to him again and tell him how you feel. Try come up with something that is suitable to both, maybe like Dubba61 says, you go with them..

Best wishes x

[hypercat54]

I don't agree with some of these responses. Why blame his ex? If she is 'controlling him' is he a puppet to be so controlled? No - he is choosing to do these things so he has to take the responsibility for them.

I do agree that it sounds like he is spending far too much time with his ex so I think you have to have a chat with him and ask him to cut it down. x

[gourmetgirl48 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you. I am going to have a chat with him today to discuss. His forte is not empathy so i think he will fail to see why this hurts and bothers me but i know it has to be less for me to feel confortable in future

[hypercat54 in reply to gourmetgirl48]

Good thinking. I don't think it matters whether he understands it or not but if he is aware it is upsetting and not working for you then he should put you first anyway. x