Crazy

[WhiteShark]

I don't understand why I feel so upset that my partner never asked me to marry him. I know I don't believe in marriage so why am I feeling this way?

[Rpan]

Is it possible you fear marriage so you found a way to not face this fear by saying you don’t believe in marriage.

[WhiteShark in reply to Rpan]

Do you think this could be the reason why I doubt him all the time?

[Rpan in reply to WhiteShark]

If you expressed you don’t believe in marriage than likely the two are not connected. Just an opinion.

[Hidden]

I’m the same way. I don’t believe in marriage but why hasn’t he just surprised me and just done it? I don’t know. Sometimes I think this is how my life is going to be. We just recently purchased a house and I’m not the type to just walk away so he is stuck with me for at least the next 30 years.

[WhiteShark in reply to Hidden]

I don't know if I'm being childish, but lack of initiative in this situation only leads me to believe that he is really still in love with his ex. I don't want to drag her into our situation, but it's what I feel. I saw a picture of his ex in IG with a caption that she will wait for him. I know the photo was taken a while back, but... I don't know, it still leads me to this crazy, immature thoughts of them getting back together and building a family of their own. It sucks

[Rpan]

So maybe you guys have a heart to heart discussion about what the future looks like for your relationship. Keep the ex out of it. See if your long term goals are comparable. If you need a commitment than ask for it, it’s ok to, if you know he is the one for you, make that clear. Try not to limit what the future has in store for you.

[WhiteShark in reply to Rpan]

I have tried to keep his ex out of the picture, but I am constantly reminded of her. I asked my partner to move to another apartment so he can discard all their shared belongings. He said he would take care of it, but one day as I was looking for clothes to use I found some of his ex's stuff still inside the drawer, since then I've been so doubtful. It feels as if he would just leave anytime. I don't even know at this point if our relationship is still worth saving because it seriously is driving me insane. I don't know how to further elaborate on how confusing this situation is right now. I'm sorry. I appreciate your suggestions. Thank you.

[dee_bells]

White Shark,

I’m going to the devils advocate here. Is it possible that because you expressed no marriage, your partner is just following your wishes?

You have to express how you feel.

I am far from perfect and sometimes say the silliest things.

I told my husband to stop saying my name. To me, he said my name in a condescending tone or as if it was a dirty word. I like my name.

So he stopped calling me by name but no longer says it as if it was a dirty word.

You need to talk with your partner. Good luck and best wishes!! 🌸🌸🌸

[WhiteShark in reply to dee_bells]

Thanks for wishing me luck. I don't really know how to go about this situation at the moment. Everything sounds so easy, but I don't know why I can't get myself to do it.

[dee_bells in reply to WhiteShark]

It’s scary. And maybe you’re afraid of rejection? You have to take a risk to make something happen. Just keep it simple. Maybe a card-a post-it note. You got this!!!!

[WhiteShark in reply to dee_bells]

Thanks for the advices. I appreciate you taking the time to read through my rants.

[dee_bells in reply to WhiteShark]

No problem. Hugs.

[Hidden]

Not everyone is called to be married.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Called?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes. It’s a call in the heart.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

ok

[Posykelly]

Dear Whiteshark,

I just reviewed your recent posts and things struck me as being connected.

* You just had your first child a 5 months ago, which is a HUGE hormonal upheaval.

* You have not been interested in marriage before, but now you feel very hurt that your fellow has not proposed.

* You feel that he may have a continuing relationship with his ex-girlfriend.

So here is my take on it;

*It is not wrong to seek support from others, especially anonymously from strangers, when you are feeling depressed, anxious, etc. because people we love and know best often are unknowingly 'judgey'.

* If I just had a baby, I think my views of marriage might just possibly change a little. I would be very afraid of raising a child without a legal commitment from the father. Not to mention that I would feel hurt if someone I loved did not step out and make that commitment. I think it would change everything, really.

* Beyond any other issue with your guy's ex-girlfriend, you totally have a right to an EX free zone. None of her personal crap needs to be in your house. Nonpersonal stuff like an awesome TV is up for debate. But if she wore it, or slept on it it would have to go.

* When I thought my husband was not faithful, I snooped. Unfortunately I was right. It could just be an overload of hormones (baby!) in your case. But, before you open Pandora's box you need to think about what you will do in the worst case scenario. And if you even really want to know right now.

* And my last thought is this - considering the upheaval and difficulties you are experiencing, you might want to chat with a psychiatrist. Not just for therapy or that crap, but about your physical health and that of your baby. Psychiatrists are full medical doctors and can help with figuring out hormones and what you can do, or take, safely with the baby.

God bless you and your baby.

P.S. I write like this because I am a bean counter. I can't help it.

[WhiteShark in reply to Posykelly]

Thank you for your response. I read this while on my way to work and I couldn't help but cry. I don't know which among the statements triggered it. I may indeed have to consult a psychiatrist, you're not the first to advise me this, but I really don't know if I can make time for it. I'll try though. Thanks again.

[Windy101]

Maybe deep down you do beieve in marriage and feel that if he really loved you, he would be willing to make that commitment. It's a lot easier to walk away now.

[WhiteShark in reply to Windy101]

I had hopes of marrying him before the incident with his ex. Since then I have decided not to talk about marriage but it would not hurt if he did at least mention it. Does this mean he really doesn't want to commit to us?

We were friends before we ended up together. I heard him talk about how he saw himself marrying his ex. Does this really mean that he never saw us being married? Maybe he does not love me. I can't say anymore. Sorry, I'm in a terrible state right now. I was asked for self-assessment at work and it has triggered all negative emotions.

[Hidden in reply to WhiteShark]

Thought you didn't believe in marriage...

this is very confusing!

[WhiteShark in reply to Hidden]

I don't... how do I say this? I have expected more after getting pregnant. He has talked about having a normal family. In our culture being born out of wedlock is not normal, so maybe I did expect that he would marry me at one point, and then that ex thing made me realize that I was delusional. Do I make sense? I don't know, I can't think well enough this past few days.

[Hidden]

I think you should stop worrying about the others and start looking after your self abit more..

[WhiteShark in reply to Hidden]

How do I do it?

[Windy101 in reply to WhiteShark]

Do it through actions. Make a list of things you need to get done, people you want to see, ways to take care of yourself and move forward. Do you really want to marry or even stay with a man who scares your mother? He sounds awful. No one should be pushing you around, either. This guy is an abusive person and truly, you are better off without him. He will only hurt you again. And doesn't your mother deserve more respect? Do things that are positive, even if you feel bad. Keep one foot in front of the other, take deep breaths. You can do this.

[WhiteShark in reply to Windy101]

Thank you for the suggestion. I will list things which interest me and I will one-by-one start doing them again. As for hanging out with acquaintances , this seems impossible at this time. Apparently, I no longer feel comfortable having them around. Most of the people I know were not very accepting of the decisions I have made in the past 2 years. I have always abide the rules until one day I just stopped, and here I am now.

I can still say that my partner is a good person. He is a good father in a way that he provides for our child, and maybe out of responsibility: he also takes care of the baby whenever he comes home from work prior to my end of shift.

But all of you are right. I guess, no matter how difficult and painful reality maybe; the first step that I have to take is to have a sincere talk with him about these thoughts. I will repeatedly try until we both come to an agreement which would work for not just the two of us but also including the baby.

Once again, thank you all your advices and suggestions.