Getting crazy

[vanessi]

I don't know when will be the day i can post something positive. I have done everything, i've taken your advice and opinions. I've tried to do different things and nothing seems to be helpful.

I blame myself all the time for that fight that brought me 'till this stage. I feel i am getting crazy. I love myself but i feel a part of me is dead inside, i am very sad and typing this with tears. I feel no one can understand my pain and my feelings, i feel i am being judge by everybody.

I see my life without hope every day and more and more. Sometimes i think i am giving up on my life, i don't see the point of living if i will be miserable. I don't wanna be miserable for the rest of my life.

I am only a heartbroken woman. What did i do to deserve all this pain? What was the mistake i made? the sin? why everybody have become to strangers?

I wish you could understand why my life is ruined now, some ppl just see a relationship that didn't work out but it is much deeper than that. I changed my plans and dreams for another ones, i was so confident and happy with a man who completed my life and then i am here without those plans, nor the first ones and nor the second ones, i have become very insecure, worried, vulnerable and weaker, afraid of my future. The breakup made me a different person, i'm not strong anymore, before i knew i could be whoever i wanted, go wherever i wanted and have whatever i wanted. Now i am only a scared little girl.

i am afraid of failing again even though i don't know what i want anymore

[gogogirl]

Remember , you said you love yourself- hold on to those words, and remember what you do have like your family, yourself, a safe , WARM place to live. Also, what is the fight that brought you here- sounds like you are blaming yourself for something. What good does that do?

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

I know all that but i am suffering, i am glad i have my family and a place to live but i can't help feeling like this. Nothing makes me happy, i don't get excited for anything. I am losing trust in myself

[Starrlight]

(((((((((((Gentle Hug)))))))))))

[vanessi in reply to Starrlight]

thank you

[Starrlight in reply to vanessi]

You’re welcome. My heart goes out to you.

[gogogirl]

Maybe you could volunteer somewhere? That will not change the past- but giving back can bring you a great high, and you will be appreciated. I you can continue to go to counseling as well. Give yourself a break, and sometimes accepting that change is inevitable in life- I know I have anxiety/depression whatever label about some past changes in life- but I know I cannot fix them- and I still slip- but I try to look at the good also. Hey, tomorrow it will be a high of 50 here- that is warm for this time of year!

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

I have done everything. I don't know if volunteer would make me feel better. I know I cannot change the past and fix it!! But I only want to feel ok again.

I try to focus on myself right now but then memories come to my head. I can't deal with this

[gogogirl]

I understand about memories- really I do. I have a lot- and I am old! Try volunteering - it might help as you make more memories. I give sometimes to a soup kitchen ( from our garden) and it's humbling. Next week, I am helping at a senior center. Plus you have your work. You might not realize it- but you are making new memories!

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

I don't think while I'm working I'm making new memories, I don't even remember the names of my students, nor what I did today. It's just a normal thing and something i don't care about!!!!!

I'm sorry for being like impossible but I'm in a bad form, I'm giving up on everything. I understand everything you say but I can't stop feeling worthless. My levels of anxiety are very high tonight! How I can change my mind if the depression and anxiety don't let me

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

May I wish you a Happy Valentine's Day- and remember to be good to yourself . You deserve it.

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Thanks you

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

I heard there was an Earthquake in Mexico. Are you okay?

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Yes, I'm ok, thanks

[gogogirl in reply to vanessi]

Well, thank goodness. What part of Mexico was hit?

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Oaxaca, southern

[HearYou]

Oh, Vanessi, it's Valentines Day soon where I live, and wish you only good things. This is the day our broken hearts, lost loves and remembering old flames may make us sad, but want you and everyone who may feel sad, to have a good day anyway and that someone remembered to wish you a Happy Valentines Day in spite of it all! xxx

[vanessi in reply to HearYou]

Thank you so much! I wish you have a nice and happy Valentine's Day!!!!

I hope you find happiness xx

[HearYou in reply to vanessi]

Many thanks Beautiful Vanessi!

[lisaobisa]

I grew up in a really messed up family. A more severe, but inappropriate word is what I would have used. I actually went to college!! Met someone I never imagined would consider me! Graduated! Had a great career for several years! We planned our life together! Then he met someone else....

Yes, breakups are hard for everyone. BUT, I spent 13 YEARS punishing myself. Feeling like I had lost my chance for ANY joy or hope. My life still stinks a lot of days. I still think about the life I could have had....

It will change! Possibly just a teeny tiny bit over a long time.

What's your other option? Really? Be a depressed mess - you're allowed. There could be a part of you that has a little hope that part of how life changes could be ok. Please don't give up. I count on knowing other people can get through this sh-- poop.

[vanessi in reply to lisaobisa]

I try to be strong but sometimes I can't do it anymore! I don't want to waste my time and realise i have lost many things. I have a big pain in my heart that doesn't cure. People say time heals all wounds but in my case my wounds are bleeding more and more, my pain doesn't stop.

I post here because it is the only place where I cannot be judge, I just post my feelings I'm so broken

[miwa303030]

I'm going through same rn.

Although my breakup was almost 4 months ago I still cry every other day that I have not moved on yet. Everyone tells me time will heal me and I am believing it even if it'll take a while. You are not alone

[vanessi in reply to miwa303030]

I feel time is not healing my wounds, I feel worse than before. My anxiety is affecting my life and I don't feel like doing anything.

[miwa303030 in reply to vanessi]

I've been there and I do feel your pain. I couldn't eat, sleep, even take shower or be alone for a couple months after the breakup. Now I can sleep and eat well but still wake up in tears every morning and lack of motivation during the daytime. I am moving and starting a new job next month and I hope the change of environment will help me move on. It's been 4 months and I can strongly say times slowly healing my heart. It is very slow but I'm getting back on my own. I am dealing with anxiety and depression too which affected my ex. Time this I finally decided to get professional help. Life still goes on no matter how depressed I am and I do want to feel happy again so I'm making progress. And I hope you'll feel the same way too.

[vanessi in reply to miwa303030]

Good luck on your new job. Basically for me there is not a day I don't feel bad. Time is not helping at all, I feel worse. I miss my old life when I was happy and I smiled every day there is no peace in my soul

[schrodingercat]

I'm so sorry you're going through this (and the same to all of you in the comments who can relate)! I mentioned this in another post, but sometimes a way to combat feeling helpless or hopeless is to focus on real things at that very moment you can control; you can control your hands, your hair, what you wear each day, when you have a meal. I know these are small and seem pretty insignificant, but they're things that you can control completely and totally, and sometimes that's comforting just to experience.

Best wishes and stay strong! Things will change! ^^

[vanessi in reply to schrodingercat]

Thank you so much, I take it day by day, still feel very bad due the breakup and feel very hopeless.

The only thing I want is to feel ok again, maybe not happy but feel peace and comfort.

My life is a storm right now. but I can't control my feelings

[schrodingercat in reply to vanessi]

Believe me, you're not at all alone in finding yourself unable to control your feelings. I'm so sorry that you've been judged for this sort of thing -- that isn't fair or kind at all -- but I think everyone here can relate to that part of your story. I hope this forum becomes a safe and productive space for you!

[vanessi in reply to schrodingercat]

People have been so nice on this blog, I don't feel judged here, I feel judged "in real life" people say it is so stupid that I'm suffering for a breakup and I will find someone else when it is something deeper than just a breakup. I've tried to explain why that has affected me so much. I invite you to read what I've posted some minutes ago, so you will know what I'm talking about

[schrodingercat in reply to vanessi]

I did read it, and thank you so much for sharing! It helped me understand your situation and feelings a bit better, I think. Sorry that you're experiencing judgement from your real life peers, but I'm happy you were able to make up part of that need for support on here. ^^

[vanessi in reply to schrodingercat]

People is nice here cos they understand our sorrow and they deal with it everyday

[gerrerd]

Dear vanessi The 2nd part of info from Dr guy winch. You blame yourself for the break up. When extreme feelings dont ease after a few months, It can be we,ve developed an abnormal response to heartbreak known as (complicated grief) or persistent complex bereavement disorder. Studies have shown negative thoughts-particularly thoughts of excessive self-blame-play a crucial and damaging role at this point. The tendency to blame ourselves when our heart is broken is hardly unusual. Yet constant negative thoughts (it must have been some-thing i did wrong) can sabotage our ability to move quickly through the break-up process, and even cause us obsessively to examine every date to work out what it was we did. Just as harmful are negative thoughts about our looks or personalities . I wish i were prettier or I dont like my smile, are unfortunately common, but when these turn no man will ever want me, or i will be alone for ever, were in thrall to dangerously negative thoughts. Hope this helps, I will send you the next part on. How to fix it. Later. I have to go out now some business to sort out. Lots of love Ray. Dont just read study.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[vanessi in reply to gerrerd]

Ok I get it but just to let you know I don't care if I look attractive to people or not, I'm not looking for another love, I have mine already and doesn't matter I'm not with him. The only thing I want is to feel better again, ok with myself and have peace and comfort.

I don't care if I spend the rest of my life alone or not. I ONLY WANT TO FEEL OK THATS WHAT IM LOOKING FOR NOT ANOTHER MAN, NOR DATES.

[gerrerd in reply to vanessi]

Vanessi I am not giving you my personal thoughts just facts from. a article by a doctor. And advice to try and help you, If you dont want my help. Just let me know and i will stop, trying to help you. Lots of love Ray.

[vanessi in reply to gerrerd]

It's not I don't want your help cos I accept ppl's opinion I just want to make sure I want to feel ok with myself, I'm not looking for and I don't want another man.

I want to feel ok first, I understand what you meant with the article I do feel guilty sometimes but it is not my case the last part because I'm not even interested in dates, men nor relationships.

[gerrerd]

Vanesse You can control your feelings . And make them ease, But first you must learn to control your thoughts. If i can do it every one can. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take control dont let your thought run you . If your driving a car who is in control you or the car. Just a metaphor. Ray

[JoVal]

Reading your words sent shivers down my spine, because my 14 year old writes in her journal all of the feelings that you've written (except about breakup) and it really breaks my heart. I don't want to type the wrong thing, but I've learned that failure is almost always a constant in life. We have been set up to fail, to fall, to be at our lowest. Society has shown us that we must always be happy, successful, positive but you cannot have any of these good things, without having bad moments or feelings. They will always go hand in hand. I'm learning this as I support my daughters on their journeys with anxiety and depression. This is all new to me. Hang onto just a little bit of hope (or alot if you can). Even that one little bit can give you just enough comfort to know that you can make it through today.

[vanessi in reply to JoVal]

People have told me I can control how I feel and I don't think that's possible. The sadness and anxiety just come to me, to my head and heart and I wish I could stop them but I can't and I don't know how to explain this to people

I am not ok, the breakup led me to this point and people only say I will find another love and I don't know what can I do to explain I don't want someone else I'm looking for peace in my soul, feel ok being alone!! It's been an exhausting journey.

[JoVal in reply to vanessi]

I'm just a regular mom trying to support my kids through their anxieties. I know that you feel that you cannot control your feelings. This forum seems to be a great place for you to release these feelings. I'm learning that I cannot "fix" my daughters when they feel down and out and I'm learning to accept that they must have these feelings, go through them and then at the other end of it, I'm there waiting and ready to help them move ahead. I'm learning to validate their fears, sadness, hopelessness. I cannot understand why they feel this way. I don't think it's my job to know, but just to accept them and support them through it. With my youngest (she's 14), I just started today, since it's Valentines Day, to give her a few daily positive affirmations that I printed out online so we can plaster them all over the house. Sounds corny? you bet! will she hate them? I'm sure she will! but it's a start of a long road that we're traveling. I'm not giving up on her! Maybe setting a teeny tiny little goal can be a start for you? It doesn't have to be a serious life plan, but just something small for you, to make you feel a little good about yourself. Nothing will replace the love that you lost. But you definitely deserve to love yourself.

[gerrerd]

Dear Vanessi These articles are not about you personally It is just a guide line to what can happen,Just info so you know what happens to people when they break up and how to deal with it I though if you understood what happens you could deal with things. That may or may not be happening to you. I am just giving you info that could make things better for you. Any way let me know if you want me to write some more of it tomorrow, for you. The rest of it is about positive info to help. Lots of love Ray.

[Hidden]

Please get on YouTube and listen to and watch "Invincible" by Kelly Clarkson. I PROMISE it will help! I do not know if you were married or not but since you went through a breakup, there are some really good sites to get support and advice that would still be relevant. Here are a couple: womansdivorce.com/ and midlifedivorcerecovery.com/... If you post on the forum you can just say you are divorced because in actuality, you are, as you would be considered common law married if you were with him for awhile. There are so many options for you out there, you just need to find them. We live in a day and age of empowering women and we are now rising up to men and becoming equal. You did no sin and NONE of this is your fault. These things are a part of life and they just happen. I am so sorry for your breakup but now you need to practice self-care and self-love. Redefine who you are. Re-evaluate life. There is a saying that says, "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." Life does not ever turn out the way we think it will. I had a baby as a teenager and was a single mom and have been through trauma, abuse and divorce, I am now in my 2nd marriage, but it is a loveless one. I am hoping to leave soon and then I will have to take the same advice I'm giving you now! I really hope this helps, feel free to pm me anytime!

[vanessi in reply to Hidden]

Thank you I'm still broken. I'm nevert gonna stop loving that man