First Time

[Olinick]

By the middle of June I had reached the end of my rope. Since January, I had dealt with foreclosure ( I beat the bank!), dealt with work issues, and then my mother's death. I knew I was going to have 3 weeks off from work, from June 16 - July 9. I checked out for those 3 weeks. At first the anxiety was terrible because I can't just not do anything, yet my mind was a blank and my body was totally worn out. The psychiatrist and my therapist kept telling me to give myself a break, I had been through a lot. By the end of the first week, I caved in and just let myself do nothing if I wanted to. Some days I couldn't get off the couch, much less take a shower or get dressed. I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, or do much more than veg in front of the TV or play computer games. I didn't even want to come on here and post anything or respond to anyone's posts. I didn't want anything to do with anyone. I know it wasn't probably the best thing to do but I was just numb. I mentally gave myself until the 4th of July to accept doing nothing and then I felt I had to get moving again. Once I let myself just do nothing, I slowly started coming back to life. Some days I would actually take a shower, maybe that was all I did but I told myself it was a start. The heatwave last week, put me back some, since with the asthma I couldn't do much anyway. Yesterday the heatwave broke and I really came back. Now I am looking forward to go back to work on Monday. Maybe if I could just learn to relax and accept that it is okay to do nothing some days I could control the anxiety better.

[hypercat54]

Well done and I am glad you are feeling so much better. Sorry about the loss of your mum too and I know how that feels.

Sometimes life is so awful and beats us into the ground so much that there is nothing you can do expect give your mind and body the chance to recover a bit. It's either that or a break down and years of therapy.

As you have found there are times when this is essential and you have now recovered your mojo. I hope the rest of the year is much better for you. x

[Olinick in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks. I hope so to.

[Hidden in reply to Olinick]

The same goes for me, like hypercat!!!! Peace & Love!!! XXX

[Strongheartforever]

That’s been a breakthrough thought for me too, to allow the nothingness and not berate myself and realize at least I’m still here, fighting for another day. If I can talk myself into having some compassion for myself, it’s a real win.

[Olinick in reply to Strongheartforever]

I know. I never thought I could do it but it was actually nice to sometimes just sit and do nothing. I don't even watch TV without having something in my hands. So during these 3 weeks, I at times, just sat and watched TV. The cat loved it because he could sit in my lap for a change.

[Strongheartforever in reply to Olinick]

I don’t watch a lot of tv but just yesterday was thinking how therapeutic it can be. Such a great little escape when I’m really hurting. Little People, Big World is my show. I vicariously live through these loving, decent folks’ lives. I never had kids so it’s fun to see their babies and just an honest portrayal of a family. My favorite show though is Alone on Thursday nights. Survival out in the Mongolian wilderness night after night. I also like Rattled and think a new season is coming. It’s fun to analyze the different relationships and see who gets it right and why. It’s all about attitude and having good judgement to allow good people to come into your life. So hard to watch the abusive stories and see what people can do to eachother, you wanna throttle them. You wanna yell at the screen, “ get away from him” or “ you deserve better!”

[Olinick in reply to Strongheartforever]

Unfortunately, I have to be really careful what I watch - it can't have any violence in it. So I watch the same things over and over. I watch a lot of HGTV, especially Fixer Upper; Hallmark Channel ( right now they are showing all Christmas movies, which was nice to see snowy scenes last week when it was over 100 degrees), Disney channel, especially Andi Mack and PBS shows, especially the cartoons, Arthur and Clifford the Big Red Dog. I know it sounds crazy that a grown woman would watch those shows but it is what can calm me down. Sometimes, however, especially when I have been watching a lot of TV, it can get boring. I am trying to venture out to some other shows just to give me variety.