From Feeling Like A Nothing To Being Grateful To Be HERE...

[huskyowner234]

Hey, everyone, this is my first post ever on this community, nevertheless this website.

I personally wanted to share my perspective on how I have view depression & what are my afterthoughts after winning this battle over depression just recently in my life.

Disclaimer#1 - my depression was most likely developed by the unhealthy & unsafe environment I grew-up in a kid. Hence, neurologically in my brain, I have been healthy, as far as I know. I figured this would be some useful background knowledge to know about me.

Disclaimer#2 - I never want to claim how I know certain "tactics" OR "strategies" on how to get out of depression. Nevertheless, I never wanted to say "Just be positive AND you will get through it" because really what does that mean? I always wanted to share on what methods & what behaviors I engaged in that would help me fight my own depression.

Discalimer#3 - this is not a comparison of my life. I want you to READ this & to show you how far I have come! I don't want this to be a "well I had it worse". That's not the point. I want to tell you what I had to deal with, how I overcame it, & how I am so f*cking grateful to be alive today, so I can influence you to keep pushing in your life!

As a depressed child at the age of 9 I have seen what children should have never experienced. Whether that's being poor & homeless with one of my parents & having nothing to eat, or seeing a parent of mine getting beat in front of my face by the other one, or its parents trying to cut their throat with a knife to, or one of your parents walking out of your life.

A hostile environment is what I for sure grew up in. At the age of 10-18 suicidal thoughts dominated my headspace. Waking up everyday numb & wishing I just could end myself and leave this world because I had all the odds against me.

I resonate with depressed peoplebecause I suffered more than a decade of my life being in that state of mind. I understand how you don't F*cking want to wake-up, go to school or go to work. I understand that people see there's NO point in doing anything because you just don't feel like getting up. I understand how the only thoughts a person will have in their head is are dark and negative. I understand that a person just wants to be happy even if that means they have to end their own suffering by their own hand. I understand the endless amount of tears & the numbing pain it feels to block out the pain is what I truly resonate with.

But the funny thing is & what you might not be realizing right now is what gives me the energy & willingness to get on here and tell you why you are SPECIAL.

Its the reason why want to shout to you girls & guys & tell you my story is your willingness to FIGHT this depression.

Do you NOT understand... that even though when you are feeling down and S*itty that you are still getting up & breathing? Does NOT make sense right? when you wake up & your questioning why you should even get-up, YET you still are getting up?

That's a sign of you believing... Believing that it WILL get better ONE DAY. You don't know when you JUST hope you it does. That's why you fight to get-up every day to do the things you have to.

The people who battle with depression like us are the most fascinating people to me. THEY are the strongest people I KNOW. WHY? because we are fighting our way out of a black hole. We cant see where we are going, we just keep crawling out hoping this is the right direction to the end of our dark and depressing life.

This is why we are FIGHTERS.... We fight for our lives every day to stay alive and hope to find happiness... so we can WIN this battle one day AND eventually get out of it!

Remeber:

Every day that you get up your ONE more day closer to living that life you have always wanted. which is just to feel happy :). Keep fighting you "fighters" because it SO MUCH worth it in the end. I promise you

[Kylie55]

Love this post thank you for sharing!

[huskyowner234 in reply to Kylie55]

Thank you! I will for sure write a shorter post next time and just get straight to the point haha

[Kylie55 in reply to huskyowner234]

Hey nothing wrong with a long post

[MrZee]

Hi huskyowner234,

Thank you for the detailed post. I too come from an intensely dysfunctional household. I’ll spare you and others the details other than it was mostly horrible. The byproduct of my growing up in that environment is dealing with fear.

I am also challenged with Social Anxiety. It’s very easy for me to isolate and withdraw vs. taking risks meeting new people. I am curious if you have dealt with social anxiety and/or can relate to what I’m describing about myself.

Your encouragement from your post is appreciated.

Best,

MZ

[huskyowner234 in reply to MrZee]

Thank you MrZee!

Social Anxiety Had been a Medium to Mild Case during my childhood to about the age of 18. Handling group conversation dynamics was always a struggle for me. Having to be always in my head curious AND scared of what another thought of me was my kryptonite in being confident in myself in public places. But to be honest, I was too busy making myself sad & depressed with internal bad thoughts, that most of the time I had to no energy to consider other peoples thoughts. It's kinda a dark humor looking back on it now, but its just the reality I was in

I hope this helps!

[MrZee in reply to huskyowner234]

So if I understand correctly, with your self improvements, you’re socially active? This is an area I can use help. Joining new groups scare me.

[huskyowner234 in reply to MrZee]

It took a lot of self-awareness MrZee on my part to what you might consider "socially active". I had to find out where the most part of me felt alive in different social dynamic scenarios. For example, I LOVE talking to people. I can talk to a group of audiences about a certain topic that I love with no problem. I thrive with 1-on-1 conversations, those private conversations. Hence, conversating is a great trait I have.

But what I'm not great at is like being like at a bar or club kinda scenarios. Dancing is not a great trait of mine haha. So in these social interactions, I kinda get tense AND more into my own head. Where everyone is dancing I stuck in my own head worrying about if someone might make fun of me. I 100% don't avoid these scenarios and I place myself in these scenarios as much as possible so I can overcome them

self-improvements did help me push through, but also at the same time those self-improvement books woulda meant nothing to me unless I woulda went to go practice them in my actual life. meaning, I had to put myself in embarrassing scenarios and understand how my thought process was so I could eventually overcome these obstacles and know where my weaknesses were in being self-doubtful. the questions I would ask is: where was I beating myself up? what was making me not want to do it? etc...

I hope this helped!

[20Voices]

Well said.

I had a really good up bring, was lucky to have good parents who worked hard to give the kids what we required but didn't overly spoil us like I see some families doing these days.

I was a healthy child only getting chicken pox and nothing else.

I wasn't until my 40s the struggles of anxiety and depression hit me. I got so fed up of doctors and psychiatrists and my family asking me "why, what caused it". I was even called "a lazy, spoiled B*" by my husband at the time (ex husband now)

I went through so many tests and got so frustrated by getting told this test or that test is borderline on the results. Then one day I broke down. Literally a nasty heap on the floor in a blubbering mess not wanting to go on.

But everyday I still breathed, some days I even got up and showered. All the time I was getting negative comments and help from my ex. I still got up and when I could I did house work, ironing and made is meals. Seemed at the time that everything I did to help myself was wrong. Taking the tablets was wrong, not seeing the doctor was wrong, going to see the doctor was wrong. The "Why bother?" question was always on my mind with all the voices that had developed in my head laughing at me.

I have worked hard to get people to help me look to the future and not rake over the past as sometimes we just don't know. It could have stemmed back to issues I had in puberty, it could have been caused by the IVF treatment I had, it could have been caused by me working really hard at my job as well as being a competitive sports person who was also a very active coach as well. If I wasn't at work I was away training or helping to train others or studying how to be a better coach.

The psychologist explained it in a way I got. She understood that I wanted to look forward and she took a brief history from me and suggested that it could have just been a build up of stresses over the years and that I had not realised that the stress was building up , a bit like a glass filling with drops of water where taking a sip would decrease the water but if you don't take a sip the glass over flows. My stress and anxieties built up until one day BOOM!

I even felt guilty of having anxiety and depression because that happens to people with really big traumas in their life and bad childhoods. So what reason did I have for being affected. The more I read about anxiety and depression and the more I find out I am of the mind that those "borderline" test results were a warning, but because there is still so much to really about anxiety and depression it was not picked up.

So today I am working on coming off the medication, with the support of my GP. Always get support from your GP and don't just go cold turkey as that is not good. I am also training to be a counsellor so that I can help fill the gap I have seen in getting treatment for myself.

I know now I will always have to watch myself and be honest with how I am feeling to myself at the very least. I am planning on attending regular counselling sessions to keep myself in the good place I am today. I feel stronger for what I have gone through, but still wish that I had to not experience it.

Thank you for sharing your experience and allowing me to hear how positive you are with sharing and helping others to see that there is a way to finding out how to feel better and that we are all special and unique and it is okay to be sick, no matter what our backgrounds are or what caused it.

Take care

[huskyowner234]

Thank you for sharing. I have so much respect for you for you & I'm sorry you had to go through what you went through. There's that saying though, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I can tell as you keep fighting this battle of yours and if you just hang in there... I promise you, you will come on top of this. AND you will be the winner in your life.

That's amazing your training to become a consular so help yourself and others. Much respect to you!

[huskyowner234]

I felt the same way at one point, of wishing I didn't go through what I went through. while we all have had different experiences and emotions in different situations. Yet what I have gone through has made me so grateful to be alive, that every human, person, I talk to I get so excited. I get excited cause I'm here on this earth.... I overcame the odds of almost leaving this place, yet I fought my way to stay. I am so grateful to exchange my time, energy & love with the you, people and just everyone!

while also to contradict what I just said, I would never ever want my own child to get through (not a dad... yet lol) But I can 100% say that I made the most out of my situation I eventually came on F*ckin top

[20Voices]

You sure did and you are going to be a great Dad when it happens. You are a great example that no matter what age we get affected by anxiety and depression there is a way through. I know I am really lucky in that I am almost there and it has only been 3 years since my breakdown. Others have been affected all their lives.

Just remember to keep checking in with yourself and that you regularly use the techniques that help you through the worst.

I don't know about you, but I found learning what stresses and anxieties are normal in life a struggle to being with but now I am finding that I don't go into that deep pit as much when life gets stressful.

Take care.

[huskyowner234]

Thank you so much! I know I will be a great father one -day also! (might spoil my children too much to be honest lol)

It's not me that's an example but you also are an example! me and you being here still is an example we are fighters and we can't & won't give up.

that's a great insight also that you have noticed with yourself. when you said, "I am finding that I don't go into that deep pit as much when life gets stressful."

I was always scared that I beat would get stress again or sad again and I would go to that bottom level and would have to start all over again to try to win this fight with depression. While this was true at some moments, every time i did beat it, I never overall ever went back to that same stage. ex.) When I got sad at 17 it was never the same sadness I got when I was 11 with depression. while numbing myself to the depression might be true, I also was gaining very subtle confidence because I knew at the end of the sadness I could beat it!