When someone else's depression/anxiety awakens the beast of your own anxiety...

[JennWantsZen]

Has anyone else ever experienced this? You're riding along the roller coaster of life...thinking you pretty much have the anxiety beast 'under control' or, at least, mildly managed...then, suddenly, you're exposed to someone else's negative energy and you're quickly pulled into the storm again. I am realizing, after recent events, that the fire of my anxiety is stoked by other people's energies. While I know that I am responsible for how I react to other people and how I interpret these interactions, I find it incredibly difficult to set a boundary here. My sister suffers from depression. Her being VIBRATES intensely with a sullen and downtrodden aura and it is nearly impossible to avoid impact when in her presence. I used to be stronger at fighting back with optimism and trying to be the 'cheerful' of the two of us when we traveled together but as time went by, I grew more and more tired. I have found myself recently avoiding one-on-one interactions (especially travel) with her out of a debilitating fear for how it will impact me and my own anxieties. I can spend time with her locally because I am guaranteed escape but I literally CANNOT hop a plane to some other location with her because my brain is trying to protect itself from the guaranteed impact of spending time with her. This makes me feel incredibly guilty because I genuinely love myself and want her to be happy. But I cannot make her happy. She's responsible for her own happiness. And, her chronic dreariness makes me dreary and anxious. How does one begin to reconcile an issue like this? I want to look forward to time with her but, instead, I dread it...

[Autumn26]

I have a similar situation with you, my family member has anxiety too, and this person makes me panic attack in everyday. The worst thing is, she doesn't want to change. She didn't know she hurts me so much and keep hurting herself too, I love her, but also afraid of her, which make me feel more painful.

I hope watching this can help you, it does help me...

youtu.be/Lzrejyf5VlA(Not working as expected?)

[JennWantsZen in reply to Autumn26]

thank you so much for this! I have not previously sought any assistance/guidance with this as I did not realize how much it was impacting me. It helps to know that there are others out there who struggle to 'stay strong' for their depressed loved ones as well. I do not think any of this is intentional on my sister's part, or that she is even aware of how much it impacts me...I am reluctant to share with her too as I do not want to add to any of her feelings of guilt or sadness.

[gerg]

I think that what you are experiencing is pretty normal. I pick up on others negative vibes too. I have practiced being able to block the emotions and I often remove myself from the negative person. I like your view on how you are not responsible for your sisters mood, this is the foundation of emotional stability. The next step is finding the way that your sister does not affect your moods. I think that this is harder with one that you love.

I worked very hard on acceptance. A big part of acceptance is stopping the judgement. The method that I used, and continue to use, is Rational Emotive Therapy. With it I monitor my self talk and dispute the irrational thoughts. Then I find my new rational beliefs about the things that are causing an extreme emotion.

There are many things that indicate my irrational thoughts. Shoulds, oughts, and musts, are good indicators of irrational thoughts. Extremes, like always or never, tend to be irrational too. So if my self talk is “she always does that, she should stop it”, I have a very irrational belief. Judging, shoulds, and extremes, all in one short thought. Revise those beliefs to “I love my sister, with all of her traits, I can be around her and be happy”. Or something along those lines. There would usually be more self talk involved, to help create the new rational belief.

This theory was developed by Dr. Ellis, back in the 70s, as the original form of CBT. It really is effective. The concept alone is a great way to start the process of changing ourselves, rather than changing others and things around us that “bother us”.

[JennWantsZen in reply to gerg]

I have had practice blocking those emotions but like you mentioned, sometimes complete removal from the source is necessary. I think your reference to extreme thoughts is very helpful because I find myself thinking "I should be strong for her." "She always looks so unhappy." "I should be able to cheer her up." And the list goes on... I acknowledge it's my own thoughts making it more difficult but I find myself stuck in that loop.

[hypercat54]

Yes I have. I think this is a great post for anyone complaining that no one is there for them or not much. It is precisely because someone else's misery can make you feel so much worse yourself that you have to avoid situations and people like that.

I get how much you love your sister but on the other hand you can't let yourself be dragged down too far either. Please don't feel guilty as it is up to your sister to make her loved ones want to be with her.

We all forget how draining this can be on others and how much it affects them. x

[JennWantsZen]

Thank you for this reassurance! I hope one day she can come to this realization on her own and get the help I know she wants!

[Imgarbage]

I found it was best to avoid people cause all there negativity would make it worse for me which led to anxiety when I have to be around people I don't know