Stupid mental lists

[pdtowle79]

Hello. I’m new to this online group after searching for anxiety support. I’ve always been able to internally manage my anxiety for the most part. I’ve been in a relationship with the woman of my dreams for 1.5 years. I love her more than anything. We moved in together about 6 months ago. What’s been happening to me a lot over the last couple months has been crippling anxiety attacks brought on by myself. In my mind I have these lists of things I think need or want from her that will justify our relationship being ok. Even though there is nothing wrong, if I feel something on that list isn’t checked off I get triggered. Cue up hours of over thinking, mostly all negative thoughts about myself and how she must hate me. It’s brutal. I didn’t realize how bad this state of mind could be. Because of these attacks, it has caused several arguments between us because I end up blaming her behavior for triggering me. I feel so bad about it afterward, it’s not her fault at all. It’s at the point where I need to address this outside of my own mind before I self sabotage this relationship I dearly love. Anyone have any advice on to fix my messed up brain would be most helpful. Thank you

[HearYou]

Well, to love someone and then conclude she is the reason for your anxiety and anger is a very complicated situation, which is not healthy for either of you. Am going to suggest couples counseling, something that may be a surprise.

You don't need "fixing", but maybe some insight. You don't want to to kill a love before it matures.

Both of you appear maybe to be needing a professional to help sort out what is actually happening and then give you both the insight as to whether you can make a go of this or not. You definitely do not want to hurt one another,and perhaps you need to take a big breath and decide how much longer this going to continue without help. I wish both of you all good things and to learn how to live with as well as love one another.x

[Rick1on1]

Hi,

I suggest you start building mental boundaries around this issue.

Here's an example:

Keep a notebook with you. When you have a thought - write it down and answer these questions:

- Is this important to me, my love or our relationship?

- Will it have any long-term impact?

- Am I being silly?

You see where I am going with this?

By writing it down and answering these kinds of questions you can rationalize better and stop beating yourself up about having the question in the first place.

Resolving these questions will become quicker and hopefully go away as you realise that there is a reason she is with you.....