Intrusive Thoughts

[Jvicks]

I am new here. Having a tough day. I have postpartum depression, anxiety, and suicidal OCD. I am feeling quite suicidal now. It was a good day. Sitting here with my kind husband and beautiful young children. This condition is frustrating.

All I want is to hang myself. My husband says I would not be able to tie the knot correctly. He is probably right. I still want to do it.

Got out of hospital 2 wks ago. Do not want to go back again. Not sure where to turn. Running out of options, except one...

Thanks for reading!

[Agora1]

Jvicks, I'm glad your husband is with you but you need to call your doctor if the thoughts are so overpowering. Not sure if this obsessive thinking has to do with having gotten out of the hospital 2 weeks ago or a medication issue. We want you safe. Please let us know how we can support you. xx

[Jvicks]

It has been a chronic problem with the thoughts since having my 2nd child.

[Agora1 in reply to Jvicks]

Sorry Jvicks, just got back on line. Your doctor needs to be following you. Self harm thoughts are serious and need to be addressed. If you are not sure if the obsessive thinking came on 2 weeks ago, then please direct your concern to the doctor who had you admitted whether for psychiatric or physical care. Concerned xx

[dreamahone]

We are here for you crisis lines are helpful to don't Give up you can get through it and it doesn't have to be by yourself keep being honest with your husband about the thoughts better days ahead soon

[Hidden]

Have you started any new medicine recently? Some medicines when first taken can increase thoughts of suicide.

[Jvicks in reply to Hidden]

I did start a new med couple of wks ago. Forgot about that possibility. Thanks

[Hidden]

Please go back to the hospital. You are not thinking clearly and are a harm to yourself, that is not to judge you or put you down. Your husbands remark is not empathetic almost as if he doesn’t believe you or is in denial. Your thinking is very distorted and you need help, please just call 911 or have someone drive you immediately

[Jvicks in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for replies! I know my thinking is messed up! Not sure if I should go back to hospital again. Seems to never help.

[Hidden in reply to Jvicks]

What have you got to lose by going back? Keep going back until you are on the right track, you are worth it and those kids are definitely worth it!

[MelissaC13 in reply to Jvicks]

Jvicks, have you called your doc? When did all of this start? Do you have help with the new baby and other children? I promise, it may seem gruelling at times but it WILL pass! Do you have a period in your life where you were strong in your faith about enjoying life? Please focus on that. Do you have a therapist? I will be glad to share my number with you!

[Jvicks in reply to MelissaC13]

Thank you! Of course I do have many happy memories. 😊 I have not been to therapy for months. Need to go!

[MelissaC13 in reply to Jvicks]

Hi Jvicks:

So I just got done meditating and it seriosuly helps! It almost "cures" my anxieties. I separate my over-bearing, intrusive thoughts and feelings from my logical mind. It is as if I have "control" over what I think of - Finally! Would you mind giving it a whirl? It is free and if it doesnt work after a week or so, you can stop... (: I would be curious to see how it helps you.

Also, if you decide to go back to counseling.. What helped me was when I left my sessions, I felt better. What did not help me is that when I left, I felt worse. It was two different therapists. I stuck with the one whom helped me feel better, like I had a fighting chance at my life.

I am sending you some light, joy and peace now. Hope you feel it!

Regards,

Melissa

[MelissaC13]

I am so, so sorry this is your experience jvicks. I have been there! I wish I had a magic wand.... It took time and what felt like a lot of arm wrestling in my brain to walk through this... To help: I have changed my diet, started meditating, do restorative yoga and have one hell of a therapist and supportive hubby. What I have found out through this is that I was holding onto a lot of anger and self hate from a powerful relationship in my life - my now deceased mother... Also some of the crappy food I was eating was triggering angry/agressive thoughts because of the crap put in it. And the more I learned to sit in my thought with meditation (in the beginning this was done with my therapisr), the more I was able to recognize ocd thoughts and let them go. As I hope you have been experiencing, we wont feel like this tomorrow. It Will Pass.... Please stick around. I really like your candidness and know we can be great friends! Take care!! Melissa

[oncesunny]

Pls hang in there! Postpartum depression is most likely while your feeling this way( that will pass in time right?) and I know what a bitch anxiety is , also depression..I too have been struggling due to a PTSD event a few yrs ago and so many health issues that my body is consumed with pain which doesn't help. I hear you! We hear you..You r important.Please take it easy on yourself but choose life..Right now I'm choosing life myself so believe me I feel you! I may even need you to help me.Maybe we can help each other.. Have you ever checked out the website " To Write Love on her Arms".Try it pls.Im.glad you reached out, that's more than I did and courageous.! Sending Hugs and hope 💖 #Stay

[Tracey_Back]

I have crazy thoughts as well and it is so scary to have upsetting thoughts. I too suffer from anxiety, depression, and of course OCD. Don’t give up those thoughts will pass. If they come back just sit and wait for them to pass and you will be just fine. You need to take it one day and a time. I would focus your attention on a hobby or something you enjoy to get your mind off of your scary thoughts. Stay positive and have faith

[newbie1956]

Hi jvicks, Hope I can reassure you that intrusive thoughts are common with OCD and anxiety, especially after giving birth. It's very likely that you were already exhausted from caring for the normal demands of children. And maybe your husband is not as helpful as he could be.

I've suffered with OCD since childhood and not even my loving Mom or husband knew. Only GOD knows our thoughts and He understands the way our brains work. I was thrilled with my beautiful newborn but at the same time I was so afraid I might harm her. "What if's" made every day a nightmare for many months! I felt like a worthless mother. Having three other children didn't help. I tried to force myself to dismiss such negative thinking, but was unable.

I felt like dying but prayed to live just 2 years to enjoy my four children. Today, my newborn is 44 yrs old, and I've certainly had other issues, but at least I understand what caused those horrible thoughts. It's common, POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION. Please talk to your doctor and get the help you need so you can enjoy this special time. Wish I had opened up to my doctor. Be gentle with yourself, Sweetie. We care about you and yours... Rest assured, these feelings are temporary. With help, a "new mindset" can come sooner than we think. : )

[Jvicks]

Thanks everyone! The thoughts will pass. It takes time I know. Had these thoughts for a few years now, but the suicidal thoughts have only been a yr. Not much I can do but try.

[Hidden]

Please know that you absolutely are not alone. I’ve dealt with anxiety my entire life. Depression hit hard around puberty and has gotten much worse over the years. OCD most of my life. Suicidal more times than I can count. After having my daughter (she’s a year and a half now), my psychiatrist said that I had postpartum anxiety foremost, also PPD, PTSD from my daughter being born so prematurely and the whole NICU experience (she nearly died a couple of times.). I had insomnia when she came home from the hospital. I didn’t sleep for 4 days. I too have felt suicidal a LOT! The last bout was about 6 weeks ago. Those intrusive thoughts get to be too much. I’m working with my psychiatrist to figure out what combination of meds will be effective. I’m currently on four meds. I’m also trying to find a new therapist. I’m not getting much look with that. However, I keep trying. Ugh, it’s so hard, but you have to keep pushing along. Please reach out for help. I am here to listen too. I have a lot going on myself and don’t have all of the answers, but will do my best. I wish you well. Most importantly, please please take care of yourself and reach out for help. Feel free to message me anytime. Best, PeggyO

[Jvicks]

Maybe my symptoms are intensified because of my period, which is just starting. Who knows, guess I will just move on with the day. 😕

[Hidden]

When I was in my thirties I began having suicidal thoughts. The only thing I knew to do was to go get before the Lord God, I found me a church and began going. I had not been in a house of God but once since I stopped going as a small child. Praise God, the suicidal thoughts left but the overwhelming fear and anxiety remained for many years because I had been in that state so long and it took God working constantly on me to strengthen me. I will be praying for you. God’s blessings.

[dukenu]

You have to try to remember that part of the hopelessness, the idea that there is no solution, is the result of the disease. People who have been in that situation, who later come out of it, can attest to the fact. While you are in the middle of depression, you cannot guide yourself reliably by your thoughts, they are not accurate because you are suffering from a disease that is characterized precisely by thoughts that are colored by feelings of dread and hopelessness. Against what you might be perceiving, its time to place a little bit of faith in rationalism: there are many examples of people who were suicidal and received treatment and recovered---thats a fact. You might think "that isnt going to happen to me" "my case is different" etc...well thats exactly how someone who is depressed would think, wouldn't it? And you might be wrong, isn't that possible? I don't know what you have tried, but I hear electro-convulsive therapy is making a comeback for some people for whom other treatments haven't worked. Wouldn't it makes sense to try anything (and everything) before making such a monumental decision?

[Becky_boo0]

Hi, i thought i would post this ...to give you a little hope, a little understanding & comfort & also to tell you...im walking in your shoes too!

I was diagnosed OCD in 2015,

this march i was already functioning on high levels of anxiety, up very early with a 8month old, i was exhausted pysically & mentally.

i was having huge anxiety attacks, barely eating.

then my first intrusive sucidal thoughts popped up and they terrified me, i was analysing them, reasearching, throwing out any unsafe items, hiding dangerous objects and CONSTANTLY on the phone to the crises team. was taken to hopsital twice because my anxiety had gotten so bad and i was believing the intrusive thoughts so much i couldnt cope.

it didnt help having 2 people delivering opinions of certainty which frightened me even more ...so i placed myself on a voluntary section for a week. yes i missed my children & husband but by gosh i needed the rest! to look after me ..so i could look after them.

I am on mirtazapine daily, have been for almost 10 weeks, i see a community psychiatric nurse every 2 weeks too. the thoughts were still there and i was allowing them to go round and round...when ever i talked to friends it was about my mental heath so the focus was constantly on it.

i started using mindfulness, even when out walking, i started engaging in conversation about anything but my mental health, i started doing some crafts and photo editing which takes time, patience & focus ...and even if i get an hour or so 'thought free' then thats an hour spent calm & peaceful, since immersing myself in things i enjoy i have found the thoughts are less and less frequent. but believe me when i say

i have been where you are ...i sat in the back of an ambulance telling a lovely lady paramedic that i just didnt wanna be here ....

i think i was so tired, overwhelmed and exgausted from thoughts going round and round i just wanted them to stop...not that i didnt want to be alive.

Its been almost 11 weeks since then ...and im still here...getting more confident each day, juat enjoying the moments of peace as much as possible. and you will too! ...

mindfullness is great...anytime you feel your thoughts running away with you or those sucidal type thoughts ...acknowledge its there and continue doing something else.

i always think the Law of Attraction has a negative side too...the more we focus on what we dont want...the more its on our mind.

i think you would really benefit from seeing someone to speak to...try not to out too much pressure on yourself to recover or 'switch' the thoughts off.

i think its easy as a mum to forget to care for ourselves too....so take some time for you each day.

i found writing a list of all the things i used to or enjoy doing and try at least 1 off the list each day ..it might feel pointless at first but i promise the more you can immerse yourself into something that requires your focus ..youll start to find your days do start to get easier.

xx

[Jvicks]

Thanks for so many supportive words! I appreciate the kindness! I spent 6 days in the hospital again. Not feeling much better but trying a new med! Best to all!