Drowning

[Cat26538]

I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t seem to catch my breath. My mind is racing and in a bad place. My heart is pounding and I’m so uptight and tense. I keep thinking that nothing will get better. I’m silently screaming and I can’t stop. I’m panicking extremely bad. I’m just done with my life. I wanna od and end it. I’m not worth it anymore and I feel like I’m a waste of time and space

[Hidden]

Waste of time and space. Nope. Your talking to me about cooking, your helping me, by just talking to me! You are helping a mother of 7 children. So if you feel your not worth it, to me you are. Thank you.

[Cat26538 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you and your welcome.

[LRobichaux]

I’m sorry you feel this way. My mind and heart are like yours. Had a better morning but a rough night so far. Getting outside, breathing air, walking, all help settle the mind and heart. Today I walked down the street... saw two cows and a calf all just sitting in their pasture enjoying the breeze calmly. Then two dove singing on the power line above me. I wished I were cows and birds!!! Then maybe I’d feel better. This may sound funny, but the creatures in nature teach me to calm down. The squirrels running nuts through my yard don’t though 😂

[Cat26538 in reply to LRobichaux]

I wish I could find a way to calm down. Right now I just wanna die. I’m tired of suffering like this.

[LRobichaux in reply to Cat26538]

Believe me you don’t want to die. Many times I wanted to die too. Last week in fact. Then I had to keep telling myself I am worth living. We ALL are worth living! I have not found my way in life yet, feel like I don’t belong sometimes, but I’m realizing that it’s just me that thinks this and no one else! Please, if you pray then right now pray and I will too, that you get strength to keep going. Go take a warm bath as well or shower.. water makes me feel better too. I expect to hear from you tomorrow... so no dying tonight you hear!!! I need all of you out there! Oh and I’m not a crazy mom of three with a husband, dog, and 2 chickens! 😂

[Cat26538 in reply to LRobichaux]

You think that’s crazy. I’m the oldest and only girl in a family of 6 kids. We have 2 dogs 3 chickens 1 parakeet and 20 cats.

[LRobichaux in reply to Cat26538]

Well that’s a lot of pets!! And that’s a lot of boys. I had two aggravating older brothers... one still does bother me. As for the chickens, at least we get eggs to eat. And my dog, well she’s a big stinky lab but she does sit by me in her few calm moments and makes me feel better at times. I think animals are good to have.

[Cat26538 in reply to LRobichaux]

It wouldn’t be too bad for me if it weren’t for the fact that I’m highly allergic to cats

[Hidden in reply to Cat26538]

20 cats! Oh wow!

[Hidden in reply to Cat26538]

Boys, I have twin boys and drive their little sisters nuts! Wait until their older. Oh not to mention their brother in college bothers them too, he just adores them!

[Hidden in reply to LRobichaux]

2 chickens!! I love That! I see a rooster, a horse, maybe even a goat. Yes someone did not want to sell their land when homes around here were built. Just awesome! Last week, you had these thoughts, glad you didn't act on them. Here you are bringing some insight for us. I understand when you say you feel like you don't belong. I am very much an outsider especially in my family. When I get to this low point...I do a lot of talking(which is praying) because I know what a wonderful life it could be if I wouldn't allow these thoughts to cripple me. I need to trust & have faith but we're human and we fall back into that same place. I will pray for Cat, for you, for us all.

[Cat26538 in reply to Hidden]

My life has been hell. I was sexually assaulted when I was 8. I was sexually assaulted and raped in 2 separate instances last year. I overdosed on anxiety pills last year. I’ve spent time in a mental hospital. I was evicted from my apartment last July. I was involved in 2 car accidents in a 20 minute time span last year. And I was arrested last year. I spent 3 days in jail.

[Hidden]

Wow Cat, I am so sorry that you have been through all that. At 8, sigh..I am so sorry...my heart aches for you. It really does. I can see why you feel like you have nothing to live for but you do. You are here, and you ask why? Truthfully no one has the answer for that but when you feel that little glimpse of hope that life is worth living, just hold unto to that. You are a survivor. Your story will help someone who has gone through what you have. Thank you for sharing that, I know that took a lot from you to do so and I am glad that you come on here when you are angry, frustrated, etc...I am here for you, We all are. (Hugs)

[Cat26538 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks