Supporting an abused family member

[PoorLulu]

My first post. I suffer with health anxiety, and currently my main symptoms triggers are due to the abuse my brother and our family experience at the hands of his wife. She is a coercive controller, and also a hoarder. In the last few years her domination of my brother has become total, and he’s now fully isolated from his family and friends. My parents suffer badly and so do I because we were once so close. The difficulty lies in the fact that because he will not acknowledge what’s happening (although we think that somewhere in there he does know what is happening), we cannot reach him, and we have no legal position to try. The stress on my parents is terrible and I miss my brother so much. 2 years ago he had bowel cancer and his wife refused to allow his family to support him. We were kept away from the hospital and then banned from seeing him. We’ve been devastated by this, and have tried so hard to reconcile. It’s impossible to break in, and she is a narcissist so we are at a brick wall. I suffer constantly with stomach pain, nausea and trembling. I’m addicted to the tramadol I take for neck pain and I’m constantly tired as I have insomnia. I know for certain that a positive change around my darling brother’s situation would help alleviate my physical symptoms. I can’t show any of this to my family as I don’t want to worry my parents and my children.

[Hidden]

It's really great that you care about your brother so much. He's lucky to have you as his sister. I'm learning all kinds of stuff about narcisstic people, I believe my dad is one. They are so controlling and mean and hard to break away from. They are energy vampires. Some channels on YouTube that could be helpful for you to watch are Dr Ramani and Ross Rosenberg. who are psychologists who talk about narcisstic abuse, they could be helpful for your brother to watch too. For your brother to break away, be very secretive about what he's trying to do, don't let her know certain things, keep your cards close to your vest. Good luck to you and your brother.

[PoorLulu in reply to Hidden]

I wasn’t aware of the YouTube clips, thank you as I will share with Mum. I am grateful for any information especially that which looks at domestic abuse towards men. It remains a terribly taboo and painful subject. My brother misses his family, we know this, but his wife’s hold on him is absolute. I’m a school professional, I have no history of delusions, and try hard not to come across as having made it all up, or exaggerating. We worry desperately for him, especially his mental health, but I also have the worry of the effect on my parents. I can only imagine the lies he has been told about us, but we were just a normal fairly ordinary (dull perhaps!) Family. It’s devastated us. Thank you again, I hope this isn’t something you have been touched by, because it’s quite dreadful.

[Hidden in reply to PoorLulu]

Women can be narcissists too, I think it just comes across a little differently than the way men are. Narcissists are typically people who don't think they need therapy, but they are toxic people who think they are entitled and they will cause chaos so that everyone around them gets therapy because they have to deal with the viciousness they spew out. Don't get me started on my dad, I just can't stand him but I have to deal with him. Good luck, it might be helpful for your brother to find a therapist who is a man and not a woman so maybe he'd have a better understanding of men's issues.

[blackcat64013]

Thank you for sharing. I can see your brother has a loving family from which he is being isolated from.🙁

Your brother is possibly suffering from psychological/emotional abuse which is a form of domestic violence which as you know is definitely not OK.

Can I suggest you research some men's help lines in your area for him to reach out to?

The stress of the situation is damaging your health so please look after yourself by talking openly to your doctor about both the physical and mental health issues. The doctor can work on both issues together as they are related.

Depending on your location, your could look for a family relationships support group or locate one online.

Keep strong for others but look after yourself too. 🐨

[PoorLulu in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you very much for taking time to reply. I have children, so must look after myself and I try hard to do so. My family and I all support each other. There are very few men’s support networks, and the last advice I had was just to ‘let him know I’m there if he asks for help’. Legally it’s all we can do. But I sometimes just cry, wishing we could do something more proactive to help him. My mum is a staunch catholic and her faith helps her. Mine isn’t really very strong just now, it wobbles so much!! So good of you to reply. It helps me to feel listened to and believed. Thank you.