Looking back, I guess my anxiety has been with me since childhood, but it really didn’t take over my life until I was an adult in graduate school. I was so naive going into my Ph.D. I had no clue how the stress of productivity would weigh me down. I had no idea how impostor syndrome would paralyze my job searches, as it is doing now.
I finished my degree with the help of therapy and pharmaceuticals, and gained the confidence to get a fellowship. As soon as I landed in a new lab, that’s when impostor syndrome really took hold and never let go. I’m now in a second fellowship and it’s becoming a sad holding pattern.
I need to take the next step in my career, and I am so afraid. I can’t stand the idea of my productivity being judged by panels of experts. Being scrutinized, is bad enough, but in a competitive environment, when only 5% of biology PhD’s get a tenure-track position, that compounds my fear.
I also have a family to support- I am currently the main provider for my family. And how they have sacrificed for me! Failure is not an option.
I am struggling with paralysis, but few people even notice because I hide it so well. The only people who know about my crippling anxiety are my husband, and therapist. They both are so supportive, but I need more help.
I’m here looking for a wider support network. I’m grateful that there are others like me here- it’s comforting.
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First of all, congratulations on completing your degree and pursuing a PhD! You've achieved so much, I hope you realize that. As a musician, I understand the struggles of imposter syndrome and the immense amount of stress that it brings and competitive environments make it even worse. It is great that you have a supportive family to be there for you in these stressful times. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, slow down and take three deep breaths. Remember how much you've accomplished and how far you've come. Do not let that escape you, and try to use it as a source of motivation. I understand the fear of being judged by experts and the fear of not knowing if you're good enough. The feeling of entering the stage for a big audition in front of adjudicators is insanely stressful. What I can say from experience is that whenever the stress is overwhelming, I take into account that like everyone, those adjudicators/experts all started in the same position as I did. Just take everything one step at a time. Take your time and work at your pace. Rushing yourself and overloading yourself with work will make matters worse. And if you don't achieve what you've worked for, this does nothing but help you grow. You will identify your source of error, and work to overcome that and do nothing but get even better. If done properly, only success can come of failure I hope this helps, this is normally what I tell myself when I'm in a similar situation. Just remember that you are incredible to have achieved so much, and I applaud you for taking such great strides in your career. You have accomplished so much and I truly hope you know that I believe in you, and I wish you the best of luck. Never give up, you have come so far! We are all here for you, and we will always be here to help! Remember, you are amazinggggg! <33333 I'm sending my virtual hugs and I wish you nothing but the best for you and your career.
"However difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters most that you don't just give up." -Stephen Hawking.
Please hang in there. Find your strength, you have come so far! My daughter has a very stressful demanding job some days are very hard but she keeps on going strong. She finds a way ! Also if you have faith, He will hold you. Our Father will hon!
I can relate just quit a full time job as a lab technician in my field ( due to stress and anexity) . I was job searching and hadn't found anything. I made a decision to go back to school online and take a part time job (I really dislike it considering I haven't done customer service in over 4 years) I feel like I have had this huge set back and not by choice.. yes I understand I quit my job but under normal circumstances I would of stayed until i found another job.
I have a house a husband and a child.. i felt like i disappointed them..
Anexity/depression is the worst when it takes over your whole life
Going to see a counselor and take control of my life again!
Good luck on your journey and if you need a friend I'm here Sounds like we have a lot in common!
Definently actually going into the medical field now!I'm taking an online medical administrative. I had been struggling to find the right job in my field for about 4 and a half years... decided after several interviews I knew I wasnt going to get a better job than I had at the moment unless I wanted to wait another 2 or 3 years. So I made a choice to switch career paths!
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I hope this helps, this is normally what I tell myself when I'm in a similar situation. Just remember that you are incredible to have achieved so much, and I applaud you for taking such great strides in your career. You have accomplished so much and I truly hope you know that 
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