Struggling to find meaning in my life

[Summerbloom]

Hi. This is very hard for me but I feel like I need to talk (truthfully) to someone. My entire life now is a lie. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore but I feel like I’m trying to self destruct. December 14, 2016 I went to wake my 11 year old daughter up for school and she wouldn’t wake up. She never did. It was sudden and so very unexpected. We had a fire the night before and she made s’mores. Kissed me goodnight just like every other night. I was alone and I couldn’t save her. Here I am 2 1/2 years later and I’m so lost. I can’t even think about her. Picture her face in my mind. It hurts so much. My family has distanced themselves from me. I don’t know what I’ve done to make them stop talking to me. Even my mother who lives 2 miles away. I quit my job. I sit at home. I don’t feel like I have a purpose anymore. I’m not suicidal. I don’t think of that really ever. I just need help trying to cope somehow. I’m no doing well mentally and I’m self medicating. I just need help.

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I'm so sorry

I have a 12 year old daughter and I can't imagine what that would be like. We are here for you.

[pink83737]

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. Have you tried going to therapy? It really helps having someone to talk to!

[Summerbloom in reply to pink83737]

I have. I just end up lying. I’ve never been able to open up to anyone. I was raised by an abusive alcoholic stepfather. Verbal abuse mainly. I learned to just hold my feelings in

[pump321]

Oh Summerbloom, your story is heartbreaking and I cannot tell you how sad I feel for you trying to cope with losing your precious daughter. You have said you need to talk to somebody (truthfully) and that is exactly what you need to do. It's just finding 'that somebody' who will listen to you to enable you to talk about how you are feeling and what you are having to cope with. I don't know quite what to suggest but there is a charity called 'Cruise' that a friend of mine joined where we live and they helped her through the most awful time when she lost her teenage daughter. I think there must be helplines and charity's that you can ring or contact. The Samaritons are always there to listen and may be able to help you or recommend where you can get help. The Salvation Army are very kind people and will never turn anybody away whatever their problem. I feel you must confide in somebody and be able to let go of all your pain and be able to talk about how you are feeling, that's the only way, although it will be very difficult for you I know. We all need to talk about our problems and we are here for you if you need to talk. I am so pleased you are not feeling suicidal but you really don't deserve to be struggling on alone like this. There are some really lovely people out there who I am sure will be able to help you. Do you feel able to tell a nurse at your surgery how you are feeling? I am sure she would help you and refer you to somebody who will give you expert help but I expect you are finding it so difficult to reach out for help. Please reach out if you can as that, I think, is the first step. Please take care of yourself, I am thinking of you and will pray for you. I am not a religious freak but I've had a great deal of worry in my life and sometimes feel that praying and asking for help is no bad thing and often I seem to receive help just when I cannot see the way forward, something comes along out of the blue. I do hope you are able to find some peace and comfort before too long. With my love x

[NONOTNO]

If you’re in the USA there’s a self help group Adult Children of Alcoholics, ACOA which helped me a lot. They’re very accepting and will understand. Might be one wherever u are. If u can’t find one, try calling AA, they’ll know where they are.

Again, depending on where you are: their are grief support groups in hospitals and elsewhere. Even if you don’t talk, hearing you’re not alone can help.

I’m so sorry. Fate can be so random, stupid and mean. I hope you can get help.

Don’t try to figure out why everybody abandons you. Humans just seem to flee from any kind of long term depression regardless of what triggered it. They’ll make up any kind of b.s. to not show up. I’ve been abandoned by everybody after a few years, and you should hear the nonsense they come up with to justify themselves.

I mean, if I didn’t need their help so badly, even just for company, it would be hysterical.

Maybe one day it will be.

So don’t fret. Don’t waste energy wondering why even your mother lets you languish.

People just aren’t what they should be, pretend to be or tell themselves they are.

You’ll need all the energy you can muster just to make a few phone calls, internet searches, and if you find help, to leave the house and get it.

I am SO sorry for what happened to you. It will take all your energy and a ton of work but you can make things a bit better for yourself, just a little bit at a time.

I’ll be thinking of you.

[pump321]

Hello again Summerbloom, I replied to you a few days ago. I have just found The Cruse Bereavement Care helpline number which is : 0808-808-1677. Their helpline is open 9.30am-5pm daily and Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays until 8pm. I hope you will feel able to give them a ring. They may be able to help you. I hope you don't mind me giving you this information. Thinking of you x

[Agora1]

Dearest Summerbloom, my heartfelt sympathy goes out to you. x

We all grieve in our own time with such a tragic loss. But we need help.

This is the time you need to be surrounded by family and friends.

I don't know why they would distance themselves from you at such a

critical time. Quitting your job and sitting at home is not in your best interest.

Your need professional therapy as well to help you through each step in going

forward once again.

My concern is that you say you are self medicating. Might that be what your

family is holding against you? Please for your own sanity and well being, reach

out and get the help you need in dealing with your grief in a proper and safe manner.

You are important. You may be able to help other mothers going through the same

pain and loss. Having a purpose in life is sometimes about what we make the next

step to be. First in getting the help you need and then reaching out to others you

may be able to support. Life can hand us pain at any time. We need to find reason for

being here. My heart goes out to you. xx

[KrierandRosie]

What a horrible thing to happen to you. Did you find out what was wrong with your daughter? There is nothing I can say to ease your pain, I am sure. When your heart is broken the pain can linger. You can only do your best from one day to the next. Over time the pain will lessen. I have no family, either. It is lonely and scary. But all you need is you. Do you know the reason your family ignores you?