Scared

[Starrlight]

I keep getting scared for others in the future, occurrences which I have made up in my mind. Constantly. I can’t bare to think of my loved ones in pain so my brain tortures me. I probably should be more afraid for myself since I’m scared of so much it’s killing me inside. It’s very difficult to talk about and I wish I could be put out of my misery. I am positive, I choose to maintain it as much as I can but in the background negative noise goes on. I had been doing better for a stretch. I guess it’s time to pay now. And fight harder or shall I let it play out? I’m tired. It may get better but as I look back on my life some things got worse. I work hard to be okay. I try hard. I feel cheated, messed with, alone. So on edge. Everything I look at and hear seems too much, too much to think about, too much to feel.

Thanks for listening.

[Susan512]

I'm truly sorry for what your going through, I to suffer the same thing, constantly worrying for something I shouldn't, but my mind and chest are a mess every day. 😞

[Starrlight in reply to Susan512]

Thank you and I wish you peace to replace your troubles.

[Hidden]

The bad days pass. Try making yourself busy do something you love and let it occupy your mind, are you still on buspar or did the doctor switch it since it wasn't helping last time

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Hi Danielle! I only took buspar for a number of days, am off it now. Thinking of trying Paxil some day. This is not living what I am going through. I will try to do something but to be loving anything is hard right now, but I’ll think of something and make it work to get a break. Thank you!

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

I hope you feel better soon 💙💙💙 i enjoy your positive posts

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I love that you enjoy my positive posts. Thank you so much sweet you. Hoping to post a good one soon.

[Starrlight]

Mostly are things I cannot do much about right now so I can give them up to God. At least one thing I can do now and am really working on it. Another I am not ready to address yet so I pray about that one too. Funny thing is as I was having the worst time I was forgetting to pray. Thank you Hope

[MommyBro]

Gee, I could have written that too. I realized that sometimes I think about horrible things happening, as if I could rehearse now how I would feel so it wouldn't be so shocking if one of those things did occur. Nonsensical of me, but there it is.

As others have said, one of the really good things about this forum is that when we feel alone, isolated, and as if we're the only one suffering with something, we find that there are others who understand, and support us, and make us realize we are not alone.

[Barbasol in reply to MommyBro]

I too think of horrible things happening and want my grandkids to enjoy their lives! I am 68 so if something happens to me, I have lived most of my life but with mental illness it hasn’t been easy!

[Starrlight]

Interesting about rehearsing the thing geared so it won’t be as shocking. I think I rehearse so that I can problem solve now so when it happens I can fix it.

Thanks so much for responding and helping me feel not so alone. It means a lot.

[Want2BHappy3]

Yeah you should be more concerned for yourself and your family I started doing the same thing worried about my sisters and one of them lost her job and haven't found one yet the other sister has a foot injury and has no insurance the list goes on.

But in reality I can't help anybody else until I can help myself, even still I'm limited to what I could do for others I can just give my verbal support?

[Starrlight in reply to Want2BHappy3]

Thing is I can sometimes become too concerned and about stuff I can’t even stop because it doesn’t exist. It happens when I get over stressed.

Verbal support is good. Sorry about your sisters.

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks, the one sister though without the insurance I have a hard time feeling sorry for her a little bit because she said she can't afford the insurance but yet she was willing to move to a more expensive apartment to not have to give up her cat? So she does have the money but thinks the cat is more important than her health? She also told me that she has a hernia? This makes no sense to me? Well you need to take care of yourself

[Starrlight in reply to Want2BHappy3]

Trying to take care of myself. My hair is falling out extremely bad may be from stress or may be due to meds so I’m going off a couple of meds so I may have even more trouble than I am having now and now is pretty bad.

[Vonnah]

Well what happened? 😕

That's the anxiety talking. This shall pass. I hope you feel better😘💖

[Starrlight in reply to Vonnah]

Nothing happened. Build up of things that bother me. Things seem bad and overwhelming but yup a lot of it is the illness talking and I am now trying to not give it power. Thanks Vonnah 💕

[Vonnah in reply to Starrlight]

I hate anxiety😤 it likes to try to take control. I care and hope this passes for you.

[Starrlight in reply to Vonnah]

Thank you so much. It will pass and it may come back so it’s like waves of anxiety I can continue to ride it’s just sometimes it’s easier than others and I’m very tired and want to give up in a way and this is not like me to want to give up. I’m just not doing well. I try to give myself compassion but I am upset with myself for feeling like I want to die, it seems unacceptable.

[Vonnah in reply to Starrlight]

I understand. I get days like those to. I feel like that to.....i can't stop thinking about jumpers......

[Starrlight in reply to Vonnah]

What do you mean? You are thinking about people jumping to their death? I hope you are having a good day.

[Vonnah in reply to Starrlight]

Yes. I had thoughts about it earlier this week. Then ended up googling it about the golden gate bridge....then yesterday i watched videos of those jumpers. Now i can't stop thinking about it. I imagine what it's like for me to be up there on a ledge.....I'm sorry. This will probably get deleted anyways.

[Starrlight in reply to Vonnah]

I hope it’s not something you’d act on. I understand getting caught up in the obsessive thoughts about it. Sometimes I picture different ways that I could but I won’t.

[Vonnah in reply to Starrlight]

Yeah I'm sorry I'm just really broken inside. Too bad people can't see that. I have no one in my life i can go to.

[Starrlight in reply to Vonnah]

I hope that you will be healing. I’m so sorry you feel broken. I’m here for you; I can listen anytime. Pm me if you want. 💕

[Vonnah in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you, i will❤

[Starrlight]

I have been mostly reading bible verses daily and talking straight to God to praise Him and to help me as I try to help myself but I have some negative beliefs that I am trying to let go of... need to change some things... I’m just so tired of feeling bad about myself and anxious.

[Barbasol in reply to Starrlight]

I try to pray and read bible verses to soothe my soul! I also take meds which sometimes help! So hard to feel happy sometimes!

[Hidden]

Aww that sounds heartbreaking 😔 i hope you are able to heal and find peace xx I’m sorry you’re going through this x

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Hope. I don’t feel like I will ever be okay but that is just right now. I pray I am wrong. I do believe I will get stronger and then things may be different in perspective.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Have hope and believe that it will get better and hopefully it slowly will! Xx

Thinking of you ❣

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Yes I will do my best. Thank you Hope. 💕