I hate my life. I hate myself. I can’t focus. I’m not good at doing anything. My hope diminishes daily. I try to keep up but tonight I’m breaking down. Depression is hitting me. I feel useless. I’m not good at anything. I get lost when I drive. I am not able to read or even watch tv. I don’t want anyone to see me crying. I am the black sheep of this family. I used to be their pride or joy. Now I’m nothing. I wish I would die.
Can’t take it anymore : I hate my life... - Anxiety and Depre...
I know one thing you do very well: you just communicated exceedingly clearly and well how you feel. Do you journal daily? I recommend you make an effort to write even if one paragraph daily about something you used to care about and why. I say this in the spirit of doing a 365 project (google haily bartholomew). If you can manage, write about one thing you find beautiful, important, or worthwhile. If not in your own life, at least what should be worthwhile or important to humanity. I was so anxious a few days ago, I got in my car and drove down a canyon road near me just because the sunset was beautiful, I went slowly just appreciating the beauty and found myself almost hypnotized by the exercise...I forgot all about my ibs and at least it was a 30minute breake from that broken record in my head that just focuses on my illness and makes me feel sick. Best wishes to you, hang in there.
Thank you. I will write.
I reread your post. Want to thank you again for your encouragement.
Im so happy you found my words of some use! This is also helpful to me...supporting others is incredibly worthwhile. I feel some actual joy-- as if God himself is happy with me-- for making the effort to express kindness to others even in the middle of my own suffering. I came across some youtube video as I was looking for more ways to make myself better and came across some other good advice: Exercise has been found to be as effective as antidepressants (good heart-elevating, sweating kind of exercise like bike riding for an hour, making sure to make it stressful on the muscles). I choose a route near my house where i can enjoy the shade of trees as I go by, listen to the birds signing...noticing the beauty and thanking the heavens for what I find. I'm also trying to do small random acts of kindness because of that video...something as simple as letting a guy in a truck go ahead of me at an intersection with a train that had just passed...had I not let him through he would have had to wait possibly for some time because there was a very long line of cars behind me. I waved him through and he waved back emphatically...like I could feel how grateful he was. It made me feel good too. I'm still getting episodes of anxiety, mind you, but some of the more distressing symptoms like wanting to vomit by just looking at food (I've lost like 10pounds since this flared up on me several weeks ago) have gone away. The amount and duration of my episodes are shorter and less severe now and Im so thankful as I right this that I hope you feel some of my happiness too! Take care, hang in there.
Hey bluecat1, you need to change your name to TOPCAT1 and change your view of yourself and your issue! You can beat this thing! God loves you and knows what you're going through. Don't give up!
Thank you. I needed that. God bless.
hi bluecat1 everyone is good at something wheter u have or havent discover it yet. i agree with dekenu that u r good at communicating and u r here writting ur story thats amazing. start focusing on that. also instead of focusing on the negatives try to focus on the positives like u wake up , able to move, just breath on ur own or have a roof under ur head, able to communicate... i know it seems silly but those r small things that people take for grant. its helping me. try not to focus too much on being the pride of the family instead put that energy on u. maybe try to volunteer somewhere where u can write. take one day at the time and dont loose ur faith bc U Do Matter.
Thank you so much for your encouragement. Means a lot.
I totally understand how you feel. Just take one moment at a time. You will get through this.
Please, please try meditating (give it at least 2 weeks), counseling (with a therapist that you feel better each time you leave) and journaling with graditude thoughts too! Meditation helped me immensely! Below is a link to UCLA's Mindfulness site. I did the 19 minute one twice a day when life got really difficult. Please, keep us posted. We care about you. -Love and Prayers, Melissa
Thank you for being there.
Deer bluecat I truly do know your pain I have been suffering from depression and anxiety disorders since I was 9 years old I am now 53 and it's still a struggle sometimes I don't even make it out of bed in the morning or the afternoon it just wails on you constantly then there's those times where it covers you up and makes you want to suffocate you don't want to go on living but you don't want to kill yourself you just want the pain to go away you want to feel good again if there ever was a then you want to laugh and hang with friends as far as family goes my mom passed away two and a half years ago and up until then she was my rock but suddenly out of nowhere she was shopping had a heart attack and died it still hurts me, even just saying that brings tears to my eyes because I love my mom so much and she was so much for me I never realized it until she was gone.
I've never really been super outgoing and been able to make friends easily. On the contrary it's very difficult for me to make friends probably because of my youth which I won't go into now let's just say I was a pariah probably because of my emotional problems but then there's the being different my name was different I was left handed anything and everything that kids could find to make me cry it was so funny for them to make me cry which even to this day when I have emotional outbursts that's what happens I Cry. I totally agree with everything you said save one I'm legally blind so I can't drive and I live in a one bedroom apartment and sometimes it feels so huge but then other times it feels like I'm living in a matchbox I hate the cold weather living in Michigan I have to deal with it I hate snow and ice so I'm stuck inside roughly from November till May except for doctor's appointments etcetera my one Saving Grace, my faith I know that the Lord has a purpose for me I just wish he'd clue me in as to what it is so I could get started instead I'm guilty of being a sloth nothing interests me even food I just go from day to day wandering around this apartment trying to while away the hours that's not a life I'd rather be someone with terminal cancer and let them have my life, literally. I could go on and on but I'm not going to I've already said too much I know most people say well just hang in there if you get to the end of your rope tie a knot in it and hang on well my knots getting frayed and although I'm holding on I still slip quite often. About 3-4 months ago my therapist gave me a homework assignment literally to be done while I'm at home or out and about just not in her office and I think it was mentioned here but I'm not sure find something everyday just one thing that is positive it's going to be hard at first I can tell you that right off the bat you look around and you say what's so positive about today what's so positive about right now when I feel like I just want to slit my wrists and fall to the ground and bleed to death but there's always something you see a pretty bird you wake up hearing the birds singing you hear a song on the radio in the car you see a butterfly you watch the storm clouds roll in and stand inside your window and watch the rain somebody calls you from out of the blue. There's all sorts of little things that we miss because either were not looking or were two down in the dumps to see it but I will say the same to you is she said to me. Find a positive write it down today's Wednesday and I woke up just before my alarm even though I had a bad night last night waking up on and off I still woke up a few moments before my alarm and I just laid there waiting for my alarm to go off thinking of the day it's cloudy and looks cold out there but my best friend my only friend and Driver will be here in about an hour and we will be going to a Wednesday Mass I go twice a week except during holidays then it seems like I'm going to church almost every day but now that Easter is over and until Advent which is the first part of December begins it's back down to twice a week and in my weakest hours I can pick up the phone and call my priest that's something positive because he's an angel of a person and he would help me we would pray together and he would pray over me and it might make me feel okay for a while I guess it helps when you have a 911 to the man upstairs not that I'm pushing my faith on you I'm just explaining it but it's 20 after 8 in the morning and I have about 20 minutes to get ready before my ride gets here for Mass please please please don't try and do something dumb I know the feeling you just want it all to go away but killing yourself is not an answer seek help if you have to hop on here and just post your feelings and cry and let it all out I'm sure there's many many many people who have been where you are who will be again and we understand at least I hope everyone understands with this large post. Check in every day don't just post read the others my mom used to tell me that as bad as I have it somebody else's got it worse but then again how do you define worse we suffer the same situations but Mom said it's all in how you handle it I stuff it until I reach my Breaking Point and then I go into major meltdown. Sorry to cut this off although it is long enough but I do have to get ready I just saw your post and it reached out to me and had to respond please take care and if there's any way you can message me we can chat privately if you want that's fine I'm here for you family or no family black sheep or pride and joy doesn't matter I just hope that when the shoe's on the other foot you'll be there for me too. Hang in there blue I'll be checking back later but right now I got a bail
Love & blessings to You bluecat.
Thank you so much for all that you shared. It was God’s Grace but somehow I made it thru last night. I’ll be honest with you I was thinking of ending it all but reading some of these posts helped me. I am grateful for your post. You make me realize that there are things that can still help us out. There are. Your faith is strong and this is a very wonderful thing. I believe I have a purpose in life too, but I just wish I knew what I was meant to do. I pray everyday to be healed from this next nightmares of an illness. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar II for 25 years now and it has always been a struggle. With each episode the pain gets deeper. I am though blessed that I could honestly share and cry last night and I have the support of good and kind people like you. Once again, thank you for sharing your story with me and for encouraging me to go on. Love and God bless.
bluecat1. Sending you love! It's so hard to hear your pain. I feel the waves of it washing over me! The lowest of my lows brings me literally to my knees. Prayer helped me so much but, not quickly enough to make it through the day. I used to lay on the floor arms outstretched palms down so I could feel the hardness under my hands. I would breath in as deeply as I could and then as slowly slowly as possible release the air.In and out untill I could feel the breaths becoming easier and calmer on release. The floor the hardness and maybe being stretched out at length seemed to help!? Even now at home I turn on my favorite music, cat stevens for me, or old simon and garfuncle. Don't give up on yourself.. It's easy to get caught up in what's NOT working. It seems so easy for everyone else. You will find your peace. Try ANYTHING to comfort your spirit! Sending you love bluecat1!! You deserve peace I hope you get it.
I am grateful for your encouragement. I am trying my best to feel a bit better today. Thank you for sharing. Means so much to me. I will try and do meditation exercises today. I don’t know how but I survived last night and hoping that I will not fall down so fast so soon.
Sorry to hear that you're feeling so down, I felt the way you feel. Have you tried counseling? they could prescribe medication to help you with this?
Thank you. I am on meds and trying to get counseling. This site has been s lifeline. Everyone sharing their experiences has helped me understand that I am not alone.
I feel the exact same way. I have never really been good at anything, either. I am not smart enough. I have no skills. I suffered with anxiety my whole life, combined with depression. I chose bad people who treated me badly. I am old now. I simply stopped caring. I am tired of trying to force people to like me. I only have one friend. I stopped caring. I tried so hard to succeed at something. It never worked. You know what? It doesn’t matter. Take one day at a time and stop trying to impress people. Live for yourself.
Thank you for sharing. I definitely appreciate it.
i am so so sorry you are going through this. you sound like you are in a lot of pain. you actually sound like me. first of all, i can tell you are strong. you said “i try to keep up but tonight i’m breaking down.” you have pushed yourself through the difficult situations, and you still can. i know how depression feels. but death is not the answer. you still have time to change. you have a purpose here! just look how many people have commented. we are all here for you! i’ll be praying.
Thank you so much for understanding, for sharing. With the help of folks from here. I’m still going and trying my hardest to push on.