when I was 12, I watched my mum enter a manic episode for the first time. No one else picked up on it, but I sat there for months watching her go downhill, until she was hospitalized. Ever since, I've kept a stringent watch on my own thoughts and actions. I have actively worked on improving myself. The problem being that even my attempts to fix myself begin to look like an illness. My Psyche can't determine whether I have bipolar, depression, anxiety or ptsd. I've had A headache for 7 years as well, which is getting worse. And so everything i do and think could fall into some sort of mental illness, regardless of how hard I tried to achieve that attitude or behavior, it could always be attributed to bipolar or ptsd, or denial.
Now I have to decide whether I'm going to try another medication for depression which could trigger bipolar :/