New here

[Pinkink]

I am new here. I don't know where to start. It is hard to talk to people in my life. Funny how I am writing to strangers and it feels ok. But in my own life I open my mouth and I just feel ...judged. judged for my past, judged for what they think I *might* be thinking about doing about how I am feeling....

I am NOT thinking those things. I want to live. But I told my family I wanted to live when I wanted to die. I do NOT want to use. But I lied to my family and told them I wouldn't EVER DO IT AGAIN when I was high...

I have never felt so alone and yet so ready to live the best life ever. I have nothing to lose. It is all uphill from here.

I am hoping someone here understands. No one I know gets it.

[jkl5500]

Welcome to the forum! Are you receiving any kind of treatment at this time?

[Pinkink in reply to jkl5500]

Yes. I am. I know I can't make it without my medication and my therapist.

[jkl5500 in reply to Pinkink]

That's good. No one here is going to judge you. It's not about judgement - it's about understanding and support. Most of us here have been through one thing or another, so we know what you're talking about.

[Agora1]

Pinkink, the one thing that you can be assured of in being in this forum is that you would never be judged for anything you do or say. You have found a safe place in talking with strangers who will soon become your friends because they understand what it's like struggling with anxiety and it's issues. Because of this, we are able to be honest and open whenever we come on line to vent, to ask for advice or to just not feel so alone.

So Welcome Pinkink, we get it.... Looking forward to hearing more about life's journey and how we can support you through it. xx

[Pinkink in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. That means a lot.

[Eriq70 in reply to Agora1]

Very kind answer. Good on ya.

[JLH96]

Welcome. We are all facing our problems and we’ll help you face yours. We’re all equals here. We all have experiences to learn and heal from.

[Eriq70]

I think I understand..it is confusing to others when we aren't clear or lie(guilty) but maybe I'm not understanding it right.

[Pinkink in reply to Eriq70]

You have it right. The old me said whatever I thought people wanted to hear.

"I'm fine"

"I'm cured"

I thought I was doing them a favor. Now I know that I will never be "cured" but I can be in treatment. I can feel good about today, but I have no idea about tomorrow. It is a process, it takes a lot of work, and life is worth it. My family may never come around. They may never trust me. We will always be related, but they may never be "my people" because my change is for me, and they may never change and I can't make them. I have forgiven myself, and I have acknowledged all I did to hurt them and I have asked for their forgiveness. In their mind(especially my step-moms) they have never done me wrong, they are perfect people. I have to go out and find who my people are. I feel like I am stuck in the in-between. There are people from my past that I can't be around, even though they are in recovery or therapy themselves. The common bond and memories we have leave me stuck in a place I no longer belong. So I am a little lonely, but have learned that I can be ok with myself.