Not perfect

[Sweeshings]

Why is it that I feel like my brain processes things so differently from so many people? I am constantly over thinking the simplest things, and have a tendency to take things as a personal attack. This has always been a stressor in my relationship with my significant other. Most of the time I’ll blurt out a sarcastic response to things that make me nervous or anxious which causes problems, the vast majority of the time I catch these inappropriate remarks as soon as they leave my mouth and self correct. The damage has been done though. Then he will get mad and I’ll start being self deprecating, which makes him more angry and there is this uncomfortable wedge between us. He often asks me why I have to try and be happy, why I have to get so uncomfortable on social situations, and why do I think so differently from EVERY other person he knows. Just wish I could let him inside my head to see that I am trying, and I don’t like to think and feel the way I do. I don’t enjoy the social anxiety, or my brain being different and not happy, or over analyzing everything. It’s not like I am not seeking professional help, I am. I want to be happy, who wouldn’t want to be happy. Why can’t people see that I want to be happy, I don’t like being like this. Sorry I’m pretty sure I’ve repeated myself a lot, just needed to vent because I’m hurt, and feel so alone.

[jkl5500]

Anxiety and depression are "lonely" illnesses. People who don't suffer from them don't understand, and there can be an invisible wall between you and them. It makes relationships very difficult.

Since you're already getting treatment, I suggest a long heart-to-heart with your bf, and tell him all your symptoms, even if it embarrasses you to do it. Communication is key here, and if you can give him a good idea of what's going on in your mind, he can relate to you better.

[kar_]

I notice you apologizing a lot for yourself. You don't need to. You did not ask for this illness, nor should you be treated as a burden or frustration. You have anxiety. You are not anxiety. There is a difference. You deserve love and compassion. That is what you should demand from others and from yourself. That is the only path to healing. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can and are doing a lovely job. We all have setbacks. If you are seeking professional help and treatment, then you deserve unending support from your S.O. Not continued judgment. It sounds as if he's a bit hurt feeling as though you take your illness out on him when lashing out so in your good moments do your very best to show him what he means to you, apologize for anything you may have unintentionally said or done that hurt him and work hard in your weak moments not to snap or be sarcastic, especially when you're feeling attacked. It's hard, believe me I know. It was an issue with the way I'd communicate with my S.O. and once we had a deep conversation, I learned how deeply it hurt his feelings and how much my anxiety was truly warping the actual meaning behind so many of his actions or things he said that I took personally. So I work hard to treat him with the love and respect he deserves every day. Before snapping now, if I can do nothing else, I stay silent and contemplate. I then ask him what he meant by x, y and z of what he said in a calm manner. 99.9% of the time, I've completely misinterpreted him and am so relieved I had him clarify rather than snapping due to my anxiety.

But never forget that your relationship is a two way street. Knowing you're seeking professional treatment, if he loves and supports you the way you deserve, he will do his own research to understand what you're going through and find ways to be supportive and help you - just as you would do for him if the roles were reversed. You do not deserve to feel alone. But just know you aren't. We're here for you. ❤

[sweetiepye]

I have always thought differently about most things and people think I'm eccentric so they don't bother about it too much any more. Over the years my confidence in the way I think has become stronger. I don't want to say my thinking is right and other peoples is wrong. It's a different view and it is valid. If we all thought alike what a bland world it would be. Pam

[fauxartist]

I'm glad your seeking professional help, it's always good to have someone who is not judging to help you sort things out. Maybe you should just sit down with your BF, and tell him everything you are really thinking and going through. Part of the tension is because he does not understand. Help him understand, be honest, and let him know how your working on getting a handle the best you can for now on your outbursts, and this is part of your issues. It's hard for us to let people see what is going on with us sometimes, but better that than just letting the frustration go on.