So as I am currently without a job, I started to look for it, sent out resumes. Yesterday I needed to go to job interview, I managed to get to the building where interview had to take place but I couldn’t manage to get in. So afterwards I was sitting in the car bursting into tears hysterical next to my boyfriend about how messed I feel. I was suppose to have one more job interview today, but I canceled it, cause who am I kidding, I cannot do that.
I feel so worthless, I’m not studying, I don’t have job, I cannot manage to go places alone (shop etc.). It’s like I want to do to so much with my life, starting with having a new exciting job, but my body just keeps me stopping from it.
I never really taken any serious pills, so yesterday I started to think that I should go see psychiatrist, and maybe start taking some medicine. I was reading about antidepressants in internet, as I don’t know that much about it. And it did not make me happy. All the side effects, reading about how in first few weeks you can feel even worse, that it is sometimes possible that you cannot find right medicine who work for you with the first time. It all makes me uncomfortable as I don’t wanna do that to my body. I don’t wanna feel addicted to some medicine as it doesn’t feel like who I am.
I feel like going back to the dark place. I feel ashamed in front of my boyfriend because of everything he has to deal with being with me. Like there is no point of me in his life, only more things to do in life, as he needs to hold my hand almost everytime I step out the home. But he says that is all okay, that he loves me and is supportive.
Of course it is all not so bad as it was a year ago, and couple of days ago I was feeling good. But that was when my only plan was to stay at home, when I did not need to go to work. Now when I really need to start going on job interviews I have lost it. I feel depressed, I feel like I wanna run away somewhere cause I cannot stand my body and my anxiety stopping me from who I really am and what I want to do.
I just don’t know what to do, how to move forward.