There are no words to even write a title to cover it all.

[Hardlookcap]

I don’t know where to start. Since 19, now 34, I have struggled with general and social anxiety, panic disorder, ocd behavior, and now agoraphobia. I have been in counseling my entire life on and off but they perceive my disorders stem from genetics most likely. My frame of thoughts are logical and psychologist referred me to psychiatrists and the psychiatrists I have had have expressed counseling has been exhausted on my journey and a pretty heavy load of meds are needed to even make my symptoms tolerable . My doctor retired almost a year ago which he told me at the last min and said to call and find a new doctor. I went home panicked and terrified of going through the process it takes to get the help I need. I know I NEED the help but over the past year the disorders are now full blown resulting in agoraphobia. I am terrified and extremely overwhelmed and I won’t leave my house. Even worse... I literally try not to leave my bedroom if at all possible. How do you get help when the process of getting help is now one of the worst triggers? I don’t typically have depression but lately I have been severely depressed due to having to cope with this. By 34 I feel exhausted and hopeless and weak. Not to mention disappointed and confused. I wish doctors made house calls!

[Hidden]

Do you have a support system either a close friend or family that can help u get help. My agoraphobia kept me locked up too, its different now

[Hardlookcap in reply to Hidden]

I do but drawing attention to myself beyond just a vent text isn’t possible for me right now. I live in a state far from my family, I have a husband and two children. They are suffering too. My husband offers but he stresses and worries that it adds to the anxiety. An audience adds to the anxiety. A lot of people have given up on me and I don’t blame them. I don’t even like dealing w this and it’s ME, I can’t imagine someone else having to deal w me w this by choice.

[Agora1]

Hi, My name is Agora1....gave myself that name after spending years with anxiety that turned into Agoraphobia. For 5 years, I was house bound. And yes, I did have doctors, nurses, lab techs, ultrasounds brought to my home. My therapist, at first came to my home and then we did phone therapy throughout the 5 years. I will tell you that is not the way to go. It just enables you to not have to get out.

Getting out is not the problem. The problem is with you whether in your home or outside. The problem is in our head. We must address what started that anxiety snowballing years ago. What happened at 19 that changed your life, enough so that anxiety took over. It is true we may be predisposed to Anxiety by having a Type A personality, BUT...something needs to trigger that predisposition in order for it to make it's appearance.

Medication can and does help for awhile but only if we coordinate it with therapy. A pill isn't the answer, it is just a bridge for a while. This does not have to be a lifelong sentence. It is not a hopeless cause. There is help out there but the help really needs to come from you. We are the ones who hold the key to success in our mental health.

There are many of us who are agoraphobic on the forum who can relate to what you are experiencing. Giving up is never an option. We will support you through your journey out of the 4 walls that surround you. Start small but keep moving everyday. First small step, leave your bedroom xx

[Hardlookcap in reply to Agora1]

Thanks for your reply. Today I woke up analyzing myself asking if I thought I had the strength to try and battle this today or was I going to just go the easy route and stay in bed? I told myself I’d fight and then I laid there longer analyzing if I was lying to myself or would I really make myself? I set a tiny goal, to take a bath and wash my hair. I’ve been able to get into a bath but for some reason when it came time to wash my hair I can’t! I’m a hygiene freak so I know it’s really bad. The whole time in the bath I always feel anxious and overwhelmed w thoughts of “I want to get back to my bed” and me arguing w myself that I need to just do it, just wash my hair. Today I got in, the same normal thoughts bombarded me, I took a deep breath and hurried and just stuck my head under. Once my hair was wet I knew there was no going back. It took every ounce of my energy to get through such a simple daily process. Now I am exhausted and shaky and sitting on my bed after I got the nerve to brush it and throw it up in a bun. I’m regrouping and my second goal is to get to the living room and then actually stay there and watch the super bowl. I have already cancelled the parties I was invited to for it. My fear is that today maybe I’m stronger than normal but what does tomorrow bring and will I still be doing this like this in a month? When will the feeling to give up overcome me again? I just keep telling myself I’m a lost cause but to fight for my family, they don’t deserve to suffer too. I have to live daily like this in torture just so they don’t suffer w the idea of me giving up and being gone. I took a selfie a few days ago to post on social media to keep the image up that I’m normal and okay and although many people raved over it w compliments and wonderful thoughts ... to me, I can see I’m sick. I can see it in my eyes and on my face and in my color and in my weight. I looked the picture and stared for a while over and over again processing that that is ME.

[Agora1]

You did more then take a few steps today. Be proud of yourself, I am proud of you as well. The fear of taking a bath and washing our hair is all a part of our anxiety. So many of us have had that feeling and hesitation. It's all about being in a compromising position feeling more vulnerable to anxiety. I could bet you were holding your breath more than breathing deeply. It's a response to our stress.

You will get to the living room and watch the super bowl with the rest of us Don't worry about tomorrow. Live in the moment. Today is all we have. It is a gift, that's why it is called the 'present'.

You are not a lost cause, you deserve better for yourself and no one else. This is about you changing your way of thinking, accepting anxiety for what it is, nothing but a negative bunch of thoughts flooding your mind with "what ifs". Anxiety doesn't deserve that kind of attention and once we no longer feed into it, it loses interest and fades away, slow but sure.

Instead of doing a selfie, put on some makeup, comb out your hair, put on something comfortable to wear but get out of your pjs and robe and I even put on a pair of earrings. Then look in the mirror and smile. That's who you want to become again and you will. It's called using positive reinforcement. Anytime you succeed in something no matter how small, give yourself a high five, smile and say I am still me and one day soon, I will be back to my old self again. xx

[Hardlookcap in reply to Agora1]

I think this is what I need, someone who has been through this and that I feel won’t view me as a burden or inconvenient. It’s hard to get understanding from people who don’t understand. They try but hell, I don’t even 100% understand. My feelings are not matching up with my logical self, it’s like there are two sides of me battling each other. No I’m sure I’m not schizophrenic. I have hit something like this but not near as bad and made to a doctor and got meds. The medication combination I spent years trying to find that helped do in fact help. They close to cure this. It has taken me a lot of years to even convince myself that yes in fact I needed medicated help as well as other. I am trying to grapple this so I can find and get to another doctor. I feel like that’s so far off from capabilities right now. The medications help take the edge off and then I am able to overcome the rest mentally and behaviorally like I have been taught to and by using my own methods I have developed. If you understood or knew the life I have battled through and survived to make it to where I am at... even counselors say it’s almost miraculous. I was one of the worst child abuse cases in upstate New York. I have overcome a lot and In very healthy proper ways ... I assume maybe this is just the aftershocks triggered by current stress.

[Agora1 in reply to Hardlookcap]

When anxiety gets out of control it finds different avenues to take, agoraphobia is one of them. We fear so we hide. In our minds the world outside is a dangerous place but realistically it is coming from the damage we've experienced in our lives. I am so very sorry you were traumatized as a child. This has long term consequences with your emotional state. It is a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which needs to be addressed until some relief is felt. I agree this is going to take more than a smile in the mirror, this goes deeper than that but you can survive and go forward in your life with the proper professional help. I know what it's like to have a doctor retire while in the middle of treatment but you will find someone else and reestablish that confidence and security.

Sometimes besides medication and therapy, in-patient hospitalization can help immensely by getting 24/7 around the clock support. Sometimes ECT treatment is used to severely depressed patients. My psychiatrist uses an office procedure called "Transdermal Electrical Neurostimulation Therapy" It is a painless procedure that takes about 15-20 minutes. It's developed after the Tens Unit only the electrical stimulation is conducted through clips on both ear lobes. The intensity is determined by your psychiatrist. It is used for Severe Anxiety case by making the medication patients are on, to work better. It can also be used w/o meds. It has a high probability rate of success for anxiety but not really effective for depression.

There are options for you to discuss with your psychiatrist. You explained it to a "T". Aftershocks triggered by current stress. We don't have to live in a bubble we can go on.

Remember the forum cares, no matter how difficult things seem, Life is Good. xx

[Hardlookcap in reply to Agora1]

I did make it to the living room. I am watching the super bowl. I just have to constantly talk myself into staying. I washed my hair and made it to the living room, it has taken all day to accomplish that and I feel like i haven’t slept in a week I’m so exhausted from it. I dread tomorrow when the fight starts all over again. Thanks for the encouragement. Baby steps.

[Agora1 in reply to Hardlookcap]

I'm right there watching the Super Bowl as well but I keep checking on the forum. You're never alone. xx

[Hardlookcap in reply to Agora1]

I made it through. I notice when I feel anxious I habitually turn to my phone. I scroll and scroll and look at it but I find I’m not actually reading or paying attention. It’s like a nervous habit and sometimes I do it like every 15-30 seconds. At one point I almost lost it in the living room, I began picking at my fingers and biting skin off my chapped lips ... so much that my jaw is actually a little sore. I was relieved to get to my bed. I take NyQuil at night and unisom to try to get my sleep schedule back on track.... or any sleep at all. It gives me relief from my symptoms. I know it’s not the recommended route but I have never formed habits or dependency on anything. Today was beyond exhausted and I can honestly say it feels like a ran the tough mudder contest! I fear waking up tomorrow because I can’t predict my state of mind and I restart the battle of making it through the day and I feel like I’ll still be exhausted from today. My eating habits have become horrible. I’m a little thicker so weight isn’t a concern when losing any but I know I’m not being healthy. My fear trumps hunger. I ate half a sloppy joe today and an oatmeal pie. That’s better than some days. I know I have to be dehydrated by how chapped my lips are and often I do not use the restroom. I am sorry you suffer from this or did, as well but maybe your purpose was to gain understanding and help others and then one day I may help others. I’m not religious but I use the word earth angel. I can’t express what your help and experience has done for me so far.

[Agora1 in reply to Hardlookcap]

It's ironic the insight you have on what I've been through. I had made a promise to myself that when (not if) I got over the agoraphobia and anxiety, I would pass it forward. And that's what I'm doing in the forum. I want you to be in a relaxed state before going to sleep but I also want you to think positively about tomorrow. The last thought on your mind should be, tomorrow's a new day, new challenges, but I am looking forward to greeting a new day with "I'm Back" Be grateful for each new day in giving you another chance to go forward. Talk tomorrow. Goodnight dear....sleep well xx

[Angelfox2002 in reply to Agora1]

This thread just helped me understand myself enormously, thank you and best wishes to both of you. I followed you both as I admire and relate to your kindness and strength in sharing!

[Hardlookcap in reply to Angelfox2002]

I’m happy that my personal struggle can bring comfort to another. It’s nice to learn we aren’t alone. I was in an abusive relationship too and felt a lot of what you described. I believe the man I was mixed up with was a true sociopath. I did a lot of reading about that type and it helped me immensely. My whole world began making sense.

[Angelfox2002 in reply to Hardlookcap]

I’m sorry if I sounded that way, it’s not that your struggle brought me comfort at all, I actually relate to more of it than I have words to explain. It helped me make sense of my anxious feelings of nothingness working their way into agoraphobia and social anxiety. Making me understand some of the habits and behaviors I’ve become accustomed to...

[Hardlookcap in reply to Angelfox2002]

Oh no, I didn’t mean it to sound like you sounded like that at all. I really mean I genuinely am happy that I can use my own struggle to serve as support and understanding for someone else. It kind of helps me cope with the question of what is the purpose of this all ya know. I have this reality and I have accepted it, now I just try to find comfort in using it to offer comfort for others in the same boat! No worries girl!

[Angelfox2002 in reply to Hardlookcap]

I’m learning more everyday that we have to learn to accept ourselves for who we are, it’s the hardest thing for me to do lately because I was so much better off in my early Career and just don’t understand where I went wrong, the older I get the worse it seems to get??? I need to love and accept myself but it’s hard when I seemed to have had it all figured out and was successful in my twenties and early thirties... I loved and accepted myself all the way up until this issue with self worth anxiety and doubt came along. I feel lost!

[Hardlookcap in reply to Angelfox2002]

I’m the exact same way. I look back to my 20’s and I was amazing! I did it all flawlessly. Now In my mid 30’s it’s robbing me of my life!

[Angelfox2002 in reply to Hardlookcap]

Omg I’m in the same boat! Is this the “mid life crisis” age?

[Hardlookcap in reply to Angelfox2002]

That’s what I jokingly call it! It’s like one day i woke up and looked around at my life and was like how the heck did I get HERE?!