Introduction

[phoebe_madissen]

I'm new here and I don't know whether it's going to help or not but I'm better at writing than talking so I'm going to give it a try. I'm 19 years old and I've been struggling with an anxiety disorder since I was six, struggling with PTSD since I was thirteen, diagnosed with depression in middle school and now most recently an eating disorder.

I had an abusive father who I know longer speak to who ruined me forever when it comes to relationships. I'm incapable of letting people in, as soon as a boy starts liking me back I panic and self-sabotage and it sucks because I want a relationship but something is wrong with me and I literally just can't be happy in a relationship no matter what.

I used to have crippling anxiety. It's the worst when it comes to food. I hate going out to eat with friends because I don't like eating in public because I worry that maybe I'll get sick and everyone will know and I can't eat right before going out because I worry I might get sick when I'm out so if I have plans with friends I don't like to eat the day of and I can't eat too much at one meal because if I ever get that full feeling in my stomach I think I'm about to die. Then there's the new added bonus of low self-esteem and being a picky eater which leads to me being underweight and knowing I'm being unhealthy and not being able to do anything about it.

I'm not having any fun at college which I know I'm supposed to be having but I'm scared of drinking because I always black out when I drink and I'm terrified of throwing up and I don't like going out on the weekends because the weekends are the only time I can eat regular meals without worrying about having to go out later with a full stomach. I'm homesick and I feel like crying all the time and every time I have a conversation with someone I feel like I was super awkward right after I walk away and then I agonize over it for the whole rest of the day and the only thing I like to do is read and watch movies and write and I can't do that all the time because I need to actually be living but I don't know how.

I have six different medications I'm on and I'm never going to be able to go off of them which is usually okay with me but it also sucks because I just want to be a functioning human being and I'm not. I've just been feeling really hopeless lately and I don't think anything is going to change for me and that's really sad for me to think about.

[Pearl67]

Oh Phoebe....this makes me sad. Have you gone to a counselor? Have you gone to the counseling services offered on your campus? They can be an incredible resource, and typically free!!!! I encourags you to give it a go!

This is not the way you have to feel forever!!!!!!! Please start on your campus! They are specifically trained for your age and the things you are facing.

Take care. Hugs.

[lil-rose]

I second the counseling on campus idea, they can help give you some hope! What meds are you on and could they be causing you to feel sick? I know a lot of meds say to take with meals, even if you can't eat a full meal maybe try taking the meds with a high protein snack or protein shake.

[chatnoirmd]

Wow! That is a lot, for one person, and so young. I was also a bit ‘different’ in college and I found out much too late that there were study dorms or quiet dorms with some really awesome people. They still had fun and were nice and down to earth, but I didn’t have to worry about a roomie sneaking boys in or partying on weeknights. It was more my speed.

My health center also advertised meditation courses and that was very nice. Yoga was a big thing back then, but I bet they probably even have yoga meetings. These are healthy alternatives to help deal with stress and anxiety and be around people that are more your speed.

I also recommend therapy and it’s because it worked wonders on me. I had PTSD (through college) and my therapist was able to really help me with coping skills, and confidence. I lived PTSD free (I like to say it was in remission) for thirteen or so years. Therapy is hard work, and you have to be ready to do the work. Facing your fears and talking about yours triggers can be very difficult at times.

I need to skedaddle for a bit, but feel free to reply or message me if you have questions. Hugs!!!

[Lostjoy]

Hi Phoebe, you remind me of myself through my younger years. I’ve always struggled with my weight being too thin. I also have a hard time socializing with people because I overthink every part of every conversation I have to the point that I can’t sleep for worrying that I sounded stupid.

I have gotten better through the years, so I hope this will be your case as well. Hopefully sooner than later. I know how agonizing replaying every little detail of every event or encounter with others can be.

What helped me is that I started trying to convince myself that most everyone I was worrying about actually never even had a second thought about our conversation, or interaction. It took years and years to get my brain to understand that.

You are so very young. I hope you continue to post here, and get your feelings out, so we can all help you work through them.