I'm new here and I don't know whether it's going to help or not but I'm better at writing than talking so I'm going to give it a try. I'm 19 years old and I've been struggling with an anxiety disorder since I was six, struggling with PTSD since I was thirteen, diagnosed with depression in middle school and now most recently an eating disorder.
I had an abusive father who I know longer speak to who ruined me forever when it comes to relationships. I'm incapable of letting people in, as soon as a boy starts liking me back I panic and self-sabotage and it sucks because I want a relationship but something is wrong with me and I literally just can't be happy in a relationship no matter what.
I used to have crippling anxiety. It's the worst when it comes to food. I hate going out to eat with friends because I don't like eating in public because I worry that maybe I'll get sick and everyone will know and I can't eat right before going out because I worry I might get sick when I'm out so if I have plans with friends I don't like to eat the day of and I can't eat too much at one meal because if I ever get that full feeling in my stomach I think I'm about to die. Then there's the new added bonus of low self-esteem and being a picky eater which leads to me being underweight and knowing I'm being unhealthy and not being able to do anything about it.
I'm not having any fun at college which I know I'm supposed to be having but I'm scared of drinking because I always black out when I drink and I'm terrified of throwing up and I don't like going out on the weekends because the weekends are the only time I can eat regular meals without worrying about having to go out later with a full stomach. I'm homesick and I feel like crying all the time and every time I have a conversation with someone I feel like I was super awkward right after I walk away and then I agonize over it for the whole rest of the day and the only thing I like to do is read and watch movies and write and I can't do that all the time because I need to actually be living but I don't know how.
I have six different medications I'm on and I'm never going to be able to go off of them which is usually okay with me but it also sucks because I just want to be a functioning human being and I'm not. I've just been feeling really hopeless lately and I don't think anything is going to change for me and that's really sad for me to think about.