Full of dread

I'm 37 and I've been living with anxiety and depression my whole life. The past 9 months or so have been the best I've ever been. Just within the past couple of weeks though my anxiety has come back full force. I've been calling off work and haven't wanted to leave the house or do anything. I can't get in to see my therapist until Feb 1 so that makes me even more anxious. I hate feeling this way. I just wish I could disappear and not have to be a burden to anyone anymore. I don't really have any close friends or family to turn to for support. My boyfriend is great but he lives an hour away and isn't able to be here with me all the time. I like my job and don't want to lose it but I can't seem to make myself go. I don't know if it being winter has anything to do with it or not. I've always been depressed year round so I'm not sure if it gets worse in the winter or not. I've tried many different meds over the years and only the one I'm on now has really helped much. I've been on it for about 10 years. I'm so tired of fighting this battle. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I want to go back to being happy and not fearful and anxious every waking minute. I try to sleep it away but I know that doesn't really work. It's still there when I wake up. But the constant anxiety is so draining. All I want to do is sleep.

[Sushi33]

I know we are all used to hearing what we ought to do to fix whatever our problem is, but unfortunately I don't think its something that can be fixed, but it is something that can be dealt with. I understand your fear of losing your job and also your inability to go to work. I've been dealing with a similar situation lately. I don't know where you live, but have you considered filing for FMLA a lot of states have that where the doctor can state you require some time off when things flare up. Also I know trying to read anything or work on the anxiety can be overwhelming as well, but "The Worry Cure" by Robert Leahy helped me in a lot of ways. I actually thought my "crazy thinking" was entirely unique to me until I read this book. It also teaches you how to talk yourself down from the severe anxiety. Hope this might help. Just remember you're definitely not alone.

[Hidden in reply to Sushi33]

Thank you. I had fmla at a previous job. This is a new job through a temp agency so unfortunately I can't get it right now. I do have trouble focusing for very long but I'm always interested in books that may help, so thank you for the suggestion. I'll definitely look it up or see if my library has it. It really helps to not feel alone. I know there are so many people dealing with depression and anxiety. But I don't personally know any. I've tried to find local support groups, but the closest ones are 45 mins to an hour away and that seems like an impossible distance most days.

[Sushi33 in reply to Hidden]

I'm sure there are some support groups near me, but I'm too afraid to go to them. I'm glad there are support groups on here so we can all help each other. If you end up getting the book and want to talk about it you can always message me.

[Hidden in reply to Sushi33]

Thank you so much. That really means a lot.

[Hidden]

Hiya, so sorry to hear about what you are having to cope with at the moment. I suppose like any problem, there is a solution and it's a case of finding one that works for you. Is your anxiety linked to a specific event (or events) in the past or are there certain triggers or, like me, are you, as it was put to me, an 'anxious person', who worries about things in general and has difficulty controlling that worry? By the way, I'm not asking you to answer these questions here, but I think if you can identify what is at the root of your feelings, maybe it is easier to find a solution. Of course, that is what professional therapy and doctors should help you with but it took me over 40 years to find that out. I think the more knowledge we have about ourselves, the more we are able to recognise the triggers and that helps us with how we respond. I do honestly believe you can lead a full and rewarding life in spite of anxiety - it takes a 'whole life' approach, diet, exercise, mindfulness, work life balance and having the right medication that is tailored to your needs (so many people I think are on the wrong medication because many doctors do not have the expertise or time to properly treat anxiety and depression) are all important, but also I think it's also about reflecting more deeply on what exactly you want in life and what makes you happy (and, conversely, what you don't want and what makes you unhappy) and then setting your sights on achieving that. Sorry for going on and I hope I'm not patronising you, but, maybe, if, as you say, you're tired of fighting this battle (and, yes, it is very exhausting and debilitating), a different, fresh approach is needed? Be kind to yourself, you are not a burden, just a honest, decent person trying to get by in this complicated world. Take care,

[Windy101]

This time of year is especially hard, I think. For example, as I look out my window, all I see is grey sky, dark trees with no leaves, and some sleet. Lovely, ha! The lack of sunlight can cause vitamin D deficiency which makes depression worse, so you may want to try a supplement. I have one and feel much better when I remember to take it!

[Madison10]

Hi Sparkly

Nice to meet you. You are not alone and I think it’s very important to know that. I have depression all of my life. Of course I didn’t know it at one time. Thought it was normal. A friend convinced to try therapy and it greatly helped me. Group therapy and meds work. You have to do what you think will help you. I know we all have problems. I want to tell you that there are a lot of different kinds of depression and a person can have more than one. There is seasonal depression which you might have now. I feel I am the only one to manage this. I take a meditation class it shows what to do to be calmer. I have PSTD also. It is from a home invasion and it’s is slowly fading away. If you need a sounding board or just want to talk, that would be great. I believe talk therapy is the best.

[Hidden]

Thanks. I ended up losing my job because of calling off due to my anxiety. I feel like such a disappointment to everyone. I was able to get squeezed in to see my therapist in a couple days n I see my dr next week. I'm looking for another job but I'm worried if I'll be able to keep it. I just feel so lost.