Dread going to work every morning

[Ramon123]

Hi everyone,

I'm trying to gauge where I'm at with things - but does anyone else absolutely dread waking up for work every morning? I'm so depressed and anxious - I'm in a hostile work environment and I can't find another job at the moment. I'm 42 and no one wants to hire anyone over 40 so it's pretty scary out there at the moment. Unfortunately, the person causing the toxicity is the one I have to work with a lot and he's bullying, yells, treats me like I'm stupid and can't do the work, even though I do the work and the clients have never had an issue with me. I'm generally easy to get along with (at least I think) but it's very clear this individual (older male who has been at the company for a long time) doesn't like me and has it out for me. HR is aware of it but there's really nothing they can do since he's in a "big" role. I know eventually I will have to quit to save my sanity and mental health, but it feels like defeat when I don't have something else lined up. Or like I've let them win. It makes me anxious every minute of the day. Any advice is welcome. Thank you.

[Daesin]

Oh what a terrible position to be in. I worked a job once where every day driving to work I would pray that a semi would hit me. I caught myself a couple times veering over into the wrong lane just because I didn’t wanna walk through the door and deal with HER. The only advice I can give you is keep your eyes open and apply for everything possible. Don’t take this man’s abuse personally and try to stay away from him as much as you can.

Just remember that his opinion is not your reality.

[Ramon123 in reply to Daesin]

Thank you so much Daesin. He questions every thing I do, say, write, etc. and it's giving me a complex to the point where now I'm completely paranoid in everything I say and do at work.

[Daesin in reply to Ramon123]

And the more he gets into your head the more you get scattered and the more you screw stuff up. The more he yells the more he gets into your head the more you second-guess yourself the more scattered you get… Does that sound familiar?

He must be a very sad lonely and pathetic man. He must not have any love in his life or any joy. For him to have to be controlling and hateful to everybody all the time. For him to have to be in charge and in control means that he is very sad and miserable and insecure inside. So when he’s being a total jerk wad try to imagine how screwed up his heart and his life is. Then count your blessings. And one blessing is that the workday is only part of the day. You get to step away from that black cloud. It’s gonna follow him home.

And keep your eyes out and apply for everything you possibly can.

[Ramon123 in reply to Daesin]

Oh. my. gosh. YES. I have made so many small mistakes around him because I'm so paranoid and nervous. He has scattered my brain from the very beginning the first time I made a simple mistake as a new employee. It's been terrible ever since. and yes - he is a divorced person who lives alone and tries to control absolutely everything I do, write, say. He recently spent 45 minutes on a shared screen with me having me re-write one paragraph and moving sentences around instead of doing it himself. He treats me like an intern. He dismisses me, leaves me off of e-mail threads, humiliates me in front of colleagues by telling me to stop asking questions in front of them, etc. HR said "that's just who he is." It's so damaging - I have a hard time concentrating or getting anything done because I know he hates me and doesn't want to work with me and other people see it so they treat me similarly or just ignore me altogether. I haven't ever had this type of situation at work, but it's created so much toxicity I feel I will have to quit soon without something else lined up.

[Ramon123 in reply to Ramon123]

and thank you again for your response. I feel very seen tonight. I so appreciate hearing from you.

[Daesin in reply to Ramon123]

I have met bullies like him before. And sadly it sounds like you are his favorite toy. Don’t be offended by this…You walked in the door and he saw your passive quieter personality as a weakness. He saw that he can manipulate you and pull your strings and get you all flustered. You provided him with the outlet to pick on.

The only way to change that ..short is stepping away from him …is to not let him ruffle your feathers. It won’t be near as much fun for him if he can’t rattle your cage.

Not the easiest thing to do. You can do it of course but I can’t give you details on how…,it’s very personal and in the moment kind of thing.

But even if you can ignore or get past five minutes without letting him rattle you it’s a great start. It’ll confuse him and he’ll come from another angle and he’ll come harder at you but you just have to stay neutral and don’t let him see you sweat.

When you change your response you were changing the game and he will not like that. He will try to play the game harder. Until he gets bored and find someone else to play with, because you’re not playing fun anymore. Basic bully management.

I’m not advocating that you turn around and scream at him but I’m gonna strongly suggest that you do research and learn how to assert yourself a little more. It will help you in a lot of facets of your life. You don’t have to be aggressive but you do need to stand your ground. Otherwise you’re going to find somebody else is gonna step on top of you again, it’s no fun to live that way.

A lot to chew on. I’m sure the others will chime in and provide some feedback as well. I wish you luck. This is definitely within your capability.

[Ramon123]

oh my gosh - you have this situation on a lock. Someone else said this to me as well - including my former boss. He said don't feel like you can't stand up for yourself. Although he of course never stepped into the situation but I guess he knew it wouldn't change. This individual is definitely a bully - he's "curt" with others but downright rude and dismissive with me. HR told me that when he lobs insults at me I have to stand up for myself and I try to, but once I interrupted him and he yelled at me LET ME FINISH> so I just stopped doing that. This job wouldn't be bad at all if it weren't for him, and one of the other SVP's --I enjoy the clients, I've had no issues and I get to work remotely which works really well for my anxiety. But the biggest issue I have now is that I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough and that's why he's picking on me. Every morning I wake up feeling completely inadequate and stuck. HR told me I'm the only one he's like this with right now but he's been like this with former staffers who are no longer at the company. I lost my job in the pandemic and felt really lucky to have landed this one a month later, but it's been pretty downhill ever since.

[Poodlefanforlife]

I’m going through something similar as well. I am constantly stressed over my job and lose sleep over it. When I complain about it to others, people tell me to quit or move on.. it’s not that easy. I’m waiting til I get a bonus in august to officially move on.

Another question people will ask is what’s my dream job or hobbies? I don’t feel like I have any - and it’s sad and embarrassing to admit I haven’t found a passion doing anything