My past is haunting me..

My past haunts me everyday..I can't brush it off..ive done things I'm ashamed of most of my life..Ive shamed my parents..always fought with them..I can't remember a time where we've been happy and its all my fault..theres nothing for them to be proud of me..Im not proud of myself..Im discusting and unworthy of anything and anyone..im a hopeless case...Ive been living in the dark all my life..I can't move forward..Im sad and depressed every day..I can't live with the guilt..I don't think it will ever go away..Im 42 and achieved nothing ..absolutely nothing. Im a total waste and disgrace. I don't deserve anything.

[gogogirl]

I feel that way too sometimes - not about everything but some things and I am older! Are your parents still living, and it sounds like you are HUMAN. Other than being a criminal- I'll bet that you are a regular human being. I sometimes get like that about choices and accomplishments and the "shoulds" in life. Your life is not over- you are still young. What would YOU ( not your parents) like to be doing?

[Hidden in reply to gogogirl]

Thanks..My past doesn't involve any criminal activity..Ive harmed no one just my self...Ive just been floating most of my life..yes my parents are alive and I live with them...Ive accomplished nothing but sadness, bitterness, hatred, self destruction, guilt and it goes on..I don't know if you call that a regular human being...I don't think anyone would like to hang around anyone like me..Im not productive, I'm a nothing..your message made me feel better..especially the being human part..thank you

[Batcave in reply to Hidden]

I agree with the volunteer suggestions. Forget about your problems and helping someone with problems too. You tend to realize the good things you have to be thankful for and that's a good start.

[gogogirl in reply to Hidden]

Floating as in jobs? Hey , I have had that-well some of that. And I lost a job some years back too. Have your parents actually said that or is that you? I hope that you can also see a counselor if possible and continue to talk with your family/friends etc, and we are here too. Thank you for being here- your words resonated with me. And remember- we are human. I have been through the motivation part also- and still go through it. It's good that you have a place to vent. It also sounds like you know what to do but it's the motivation. Remember, not everything in life is all your fault and what do you think you want to achieve? I have also been through the "deserve" part. I think the animal shelter is a great start. Also, I am sure that you do not want to feel this way- again , I hope that you find a counselor and have a dr. as well to help get to the bottom of this. How are your parents towards you?

[Hidden in reply to gogogirl]

Floating through everything..hardly held jobs..I was always out never being home, i would drive around all day and night, sometimes ill come home two days later, had no dreams for myself.. I thought I was living it up..never attended family functions, like never..I always distanced myself from family..I was never there for them..I hear it from left right and centre at home everyday.. I think they have issues..but I didn't see myself doing anything wrong..I use to leave home cause of all the nagging..I was a sensitive child..my sister is toxic I don't talk to her..My Family communicated by always yelling ..alot has taken its toll on me..they do care and are loving .. but whenever I open up they turn it everything against me..so I've kept alot inside me..also when I'm down, they leave me alone but when I get just a bit happy they are the first to put me back down...I can't stand tall, no confidence, can't put my feet down, am not responsible, have no direction, cant make any decisions..just lost the plot which I never had anyway...sorry, I feel ashamed for venting..Im a male and am weak. Ive been to counselling and psychs they told me that they dont know what else to do..Im unsuccessful.

[oncesunny in reply to Hidden]

Oh you r breaking my heart, its good for you to vent no matter what gender ect.,I can relate with a lot but not all.I was raised by an officer in the Army( passed yrs ago as did my mom and a did & brother) and was taught don't think , just do as your told.To this day making decisions is so hard for me yet I have to make many and yet my mental health is pretty bad.Im very sensitive myself.All the best, hang in there! You r deserving of good things, so I hope they come your way soon! Hugs

[Hidden in reply to oncesunny]

Thank you..hugs to you too.

[gogogirl in reply to Hidden]

What do you mean by living it up? Also, are you living with your family? I know sometimes from my own experience that psych can have limitations - but have you tried a support group like NAMI? Also, what goals would you like for yourself now-do you see a medical dr? I do not know what you mean by losing a plot.I too have regrets and get triggered, and am a lot older than you. Also just by coming here- has helped us realize that we are not alone. I am in the US. Where are you?

[oncesunny in reply to Hidden]

I have quite the past myself!.it doesn't really haunt me but I do tend to think about it a lot, what I would have done diff ect but it might be coz I'm in middle age now and deep down not happy.I feel alone, but that guilt I understand too well.I feel like I was born feeling guilty.If I were around someone who is missing something I feel the need to say I didn't take it, lol.Im in the states and I wish they had support groups for mental health, but you r helping me by sharing and that makes me feel I'm not alone! So you accomplished something good today!! Thank you

[gogogirl in reply to oncesunny]

You took some of the words right out of my mouth and I am in the US also. Still trying to prove myself in some ways and I am over middle aged! NAMI has support groups for mental health- too far for me to drive in my area, but you could check yours! Also, compared to what is coming out about some politicians- I will bet that the past pales with comparison.

[Batcave in reply to gogogirl]

I share the same thoughts and I am older also. I have decided as long as I feel the urge for happy or better times than there is something in me worth looking for. Find it!!!

[Hidden in reply to Batcave]

Im looking for it..you think I want to be miserable?..I pray I find it soon..I really do..thanks

[Batcave in reply to Hidden]

I didn't think you wanted to be miserable! Some people, don't CHOOSE, I think they mostly just get TIRED, I know some days I sure do. I think you still have your spark. Sometimes words of encouragement are just what we need. You are awesome!!!

[Hidden in reply to Batcave]

Thanks batcave..you made me smile..I don't get much encouragement..wish I had friends to do what mates do..I battle alone..you are awesome too!

[Justswimming]

Well you have another 40,to go so set a goal and make a plan. I would suggest volunteering for something ..soup kitchen, habitat for humanity, animal shelter...then you'll be helping and it will make you feel better. You can't change the past so take a step forward.Everybody has regrets don't let they eat you alive. Maybe do something for your parents.

[Hidden]

Thanks ..I am willing to do anything at all..Just wish I could find the motivation...

[Windy101]

It might help you to find motivation if you keep in mind that you might feel better about yourself.

[Hidden in reply to Windy101]

Thank you..Im learning to..and I want to..

[Windy101 in reply to Hidden]

I understand all too well. Sometimes, you've just got to do it. Tell yourself you'll do a tiny part. Like, just make the phone call about volunteering and get information. That's one small step that will take about 10 minutes.

I wish you well. You can do these things! Don't give up on yourself!!!!

[oncesunny]

I doubt they feel this way about you and i"m a mom but i can relate.Since one of my brother's ( now he is my ex brother) stole my share of a shared beach house left to us by my mom in 2000( locked me out in 2015) has,ruined my faith in humanity when ur own fam can do that to you.Cant share more as its too upsetting for me.Just know your not alone and I wish all the best for you.Atleast your seeking help.I was too before last summer& now due to health issues and pain can't seem to get motivated to see another counselor.I really liked mine.Too bad this is just over chat and not in person

I'm in the US.Hang in there, don't know u but I care! Xo..PS depression makes us lack motivation..You r more to others than you realize, that I'm sure I'm right about.Maybe try to share this with your parents? Well at least you have a counselor that can offer some help.Good luck!

[Hidden]

Thanks Sally..I truly believe that in your circumstance with your ex brother that karma will come back to him. You will see him one day and you'll feel sorry for him. Thank you for sharing your story. I don't take meds nor counselling..I fight this on my own..thank you for your care, it means a lot..Im from Australia..health and happiness to your family.

[oncesunny in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Ellinaki,

Sorry I misunderstood about the counseling.Yes with the exception of anti anxiety med I too am fighting on my own.

Hope the light shines brighter soon for the both of us!

[Hidden]

Yeah I have a similar problem with memories of everything I've ever done wrong on a loop, playing out in my head. Instead trying to bury those thoughts, they say you are supposed to challenge them, accept that you can't change the past, none of us can! I know its easier said than done.

I'm starting to volunteer, I still over analyse everything I do, could I have done better etc, but volunteering does make you feel useful again and it does feel like a step forward.

Good luck! x.

[gogogirl in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, I know about the loop all too well.

[oncesunny]

Yeah, I can see that being a great thing, unfit I'm dealing with some debilitating health issues that won't allow me too

[Clarebear86]

Hi Ellinaki, I feel your pain. My parents are never around and it’s like they are in a different country. When they only live literally a few miles away, no great distance at all. I too have a sister, I don’t talk to her as she always got the attention. There was always something going on with her. Try and break down what you are saying, you haven’t achieved anything? My dear you have achieved so much by opening yourself up to this community and asking for help and support. There’s nothing for you to be proud of? Again be proud that you have opened yourself up and asked for help. Without knowing you better I can’t offer you more than I have done. But all the people on here have taken time to respond to you, take something from that. All the best and take care, here if you want to talk.x

[TruthSi72]

Hi Hidden

I'm 45. I don't have any children. I spent most of my life running away from responsibility because I was too afraid to fail, or even succeed, my god what would have happened if I was actually a success, the pressure! Too much!

Both my parents are dead. We weren't the sort of family that told each other we loved each other and I the last time I was able to tall my mother that I loved her was on her deathbed when she was full of drugs, I wasn't even sure if she knew I was there. That tore me up inside. I never got to say goodbye to my dad. He died an accidental death. That also screwed me up.

I was never able to give them grandchildren, something I would have especially liked to have experienced with my mother.

I never kept a real Job or worked for a company because I had an issue with doing something for a job just for the reason that that's what people are meant to do! Ridiculous! What kind of life is that?!

I considered myself a failure for a long time. When I look back on my life so far I realise that I have done a great deal, I had someone go through my life and point out some great stuff that would not outwardly seem useful but actually were great accomplishments.

You're 42. That is not old by a long shot, there are people becoming entrepreneurs and owning businesses after they retire!

Stop listening to society, stop living for your parents, and start to discover what is important to you. Start to look at what makes you tick, what are your values in life?

What is it, that if given the chance, you would do with your life if there were no barriers?

I work with people everyday, people high performing jobs who face the same challenges you are, they are no different, their path may have been different sure, but many of them chose the path they're on because they thought it would bring them happiness or that they were just trying to ignore their unease and unhappiness by concentrating on accruing success and wealth...now, they're lost and don't know what to do, no amount of money in the world is going to help them find their happy...it will take something else for that. Deep and well asked questions, questions that help them discover what it was they were running away from and dealing with it...making it better.

So...@ellinaki what are you running away from? If you have just been coasting in life what has that done for you? If you're concerned for how your parents perceive you then what are you going to do about it? What about you? How do you perceive you?

S

[TruthSi72]

Hi Hidden

Thank you for your honesty, I admire that, it takes guts to admit that side of you that you may not think is right.

sdSo, I'm really interested to know. Do you regret who you've been? Do you want to change?

And I want to ask you one more question...how has acting and being the way youhave been helped you or benefited you in some way? Everything we do has a benefit to us in some way or another so what has that been for you?

S

[gogogirl in reply to TruthSi72]

What kind of work do you do?

[TruthSi72 in reply to gogogirl]

Life Designer/Coach.

[Jacquelinechristina]

Hello when l read your post l thought only that you must start to like your self ,your parents are there ,l had parents that caused my anorexia and biopolar and l felt l was a useless person especially as relationships failed but l hold on and sometimes it does seem to be there but it does come back and lm old so speak from life ,this feeling when you do something you feel hey l can do that lm feeling good about myself ,for me it's writing do something you used to do maybe but remember that you felt good after doing it .Lt can be anything but it gives one something to go back to feel good about your self what ever has happened in the past it helps me well to move on ,something's lve learnt can't be solved but if we can do something for one self it's a new way of moving on as you can go back to that activity again and you are living foward,keep posting

[Hidden in reply to Jacquelinechristina]

Thank you..yeah I will get there.. slowly, everything will fall in its place ..I know i need to like myself more..theres alot for me to do..but I will get there..thank you

[Jacquelinechristina in reply to Hidden]

Keep posting LL look out for your posts we who post are friends who don't judge ,try to enjoy small things and grab that good feeling you have a try to remember it when days are attacking you with hopelessness .l can relate to that and it works keep posting

[Hidden]

Hey I feel the same way too man. I’m 28 and haven’t accomplished much in terms of social life but independently I’m doing one hell of a job trying to stay alive in a world where I feel I don’t belong. I know rationally and genuinely each and everyone of us has value regardless of status and looks, but society sees it differently. We would like to be able to look at one another and show appreciation for whatever situation we’re in, but again no one will ever let go of their pride so this results in us hurting each other with words and action. For ex., society looks down on people with mental illness, video gamers, people who are poor, people who in society’s eyes not deemed worthy because of status or money, and the biggest one of them all “appearance”. We place such a heavy load on ourselves and feel all sorts of emotions when we see others live a successful life we envy and in return we end up hurting ourselves with cruel words. I know with absolutely certainty that you are very deserving, the hard part and tricky thing about this is convincing one self when there’s not a shred of evidence and that goes back to what I said earlier society sees it differently. I don’t have the answers for you and I probably will never have them but try to remind yourself that you’re allowed to feel what you feel, you’re allowed to make mistakes, you’re allowed the right to voice your own opinion and thoughts, and you’re allowed a place here on earth simply because you’re a goddamn human being just like everyone else and everyone I mean every single person on earth has done something they’re ashamed of it’s what makes us the term we use “ human being”. We aren’t Superman so ease on yourself. I’m in a dark place right now too and it’s hard to see the light when all you see around you is sadness so I understand it’s easier said then done, but I also do know that bullying yourself when you’re already feeling bad will make things worse.....anyways best wishes my friend hope the universe or god will give you a break until then we must continue to stay humble,positive, and kind to the world and its people take care.

[Hidden]

Thank you..it meant a lot..your right..Im coming to terms that I'm a human being aswell..I hope you come out of this darkness soon..

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Np..yes human beings were never meant to be perfect to begin with and I do hope that one day I will find my way out this horrible storm, but as of right now I have to weather it take care!

[Catlady92]

I wanna say I don't know you but I feel like you do. I'm 31 but have a horrible track record and again unemployed and homeless (in my car and my mom's couch). I've done nothing but fuck up everything. Prison 3xs and county too many to count... I don't u don't understand the reason to stay but I do and just have a sliver of hope I'll at least become stable. Not rich just enough to live. God Bless you friend/ stranger 🙏 ❤