Aha!

[HigherLearning]

So today I realized something that’s not that profound. Something that I’ve heard and been told before, but there was something different about coming to the conclusion myself. It clicked. While I experience so much anxiety and depression, I’m missing out on the basic moments of “now.” How can I value what I am today if I’m so worried about tomorrow? Lately, much of my anxiety has been triggered by thoughts of motherhood. I’m scared to the core that my mental illness, pain, trauma, etc would be projected in the worst way on my future family and end up ruining my future-kids lives. My fiancé is extremely supportive and reassuring. I even get so worked up that I insist that he might be better off without me. But while I worry so much about motherhood, what am I missing out on as an engaged woman living in the city with no kids, great job, great apartment, great family, great (few) friends, great God, etc.? Though, I also realize anxiety and depression aren’t controllable, I can decide to try. I can try to remind myself to be intentional. Actually live in the moment. I’ll take as many positive days or even moments I can get.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Amen. That was one of my biggest keys to coping. Focusing on the now! You can’t change the past because it is gone! Tomorrow isn’t promised. You have to live for today. Obviously there are certain things we do like building a nest egg for retirement, or having life insurance. Even eating healthy and exercise to stay healthy. I don’t necessarily. I don’t believe in over doing it to the point of obsession either. Relax. Stop and smell the roses. Money, prepare but not to the point that you don’t live your live now either. I was so happy when I had my miracle son! I couldn’t have more and thought I wouldn’t have him. Then I got remarried and ended up with a (step) son or as I like to call him bogo (Buy one get one free) son. I was so happy I put everything I had in my boys. School, pta, sports, homework etc. I put them first in everything. So much so that I forgot about me. They grew up and one left for school and one left for army and got married. Here I was with no life, no friends and alone! I worried so much I didn’t take time to truly live. It was a job. Live life while you can. Don’t rush to start a family. When you do make sure you put yourself first. If not you can’t be there in a way that is good for them. Don’t worry about your child having issues. You can change that! You can guide them. As a parent with issues you will be more attuned to it and can address it immediately. I can’t imagine it but some people choose not to have children. Look at Oprah or Ellen. 2 very happy, powerful woman who enjoy life. There is not a playbook for life. We all do it different. Work on yourself! I think that will be so helpful in making those decisions! Don’t stress over something that may never happen. My parents don’t have it but I do. Yet my son is amazing! One day at a time!