Anxiety and Depression Support
19,462 members16,565 posts

New Identity?

I know people can change. I’ve changed a lot over the years. In some ways better and some ways worse possibly. I just feel more impulsive at times and I don’t like that. I think to do extreme things though it doesn’t always last long. I can have it happen for good or bad things. Like having big aspirations for a certain high level career I would like but later on I don’t think it’s realistic if I’m not well or stable enough.

I sometimes get upset and want to delete my social media or make a new one. This just happened this evening. I didn’t make a new profile but I felt like it and it scared me because how often can I change stuff like that in a healthy way? How can I be so high and so low (though not for long). I can be fine for most of some days and then something triggers me to be high or low or angered/agitated. This evening was one of those days. The last few days I got a lot of housework done that I was glad about. Then yesterday I crashed and slept most of the day. Then this evening I fell asleep on the couch in the evening and went to switch to bedroom to sleep and asked my husband to put the leftover dinner in the fridge so it wouldn’t go bad and he asked me to do something else but I felt like a zombie so tired and that’s why I asked him to do this for me. It so triggered me and some argument happened cause it brought up other stuff and I had a total break down. I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied since but it’s been rough. I’m more calm now than then but I don’t like how easily I can change. It feels scary and unpredictable and I would understand if others didn’t like it or want to hang around me even though I don’t usually express my anger in front of others. That’s probably why it builds up and then my husband triggers it or I write online. Lol :/

12 Replies
oldestnewest

Again sounds familiar. Although I’m not usually the first to realise it’s happening. It’s usually someone else. I get so frustrated with people sometimes I just break and I don’t see it coming until it’s too late and on top of me. It’s started to manifest at work too. I find it extremely hard to focus, concentrate. My social media is a big thing for me at the minute, I deactivated my Facebook account temporarily so I wouldn’t do anything rash. I don’t know about you, but I just want to be me, whoever me is? I feel like I lost myself and I’m desperately trying to find myself. I know I’m in there somewhere, I have to be.

Reply

Yes, that’s how I was for a while. I did deactivate my Fb account for a while about a year or so ago but before that I was on it a lot! So it was good for me. The 2nd time I deactivated it I had opened a new account with my married name and it was kind of like a fresh start and where I could feel freer to share what’s going on. Now I don’t post much on Fb as I have other outlets like these types of apps.

I am getting more free to be myself than before though. I used to live in fear of making a mistake or upsetting someone but through different experiences I’m feeling better about being myself though I think there’s still some work to go and also work on the dysfunctional parts of me. I know I can’t expect perfection and I don’t think I am, but I mean I can learn better communication skills and emotional regulation possibly or have better balance in my life. I’m not entirely sure. I’m hoping to get a more accurate diagnosis from the psychiatrist once I’m set up with them.

Reply

I think it’s a combination of physical and environment or past. Lol Things affecting my states/imbalance.

Reply

Hi it is very common for sufferers of depression to have anger issues. This is one of the things which contribute to it. Whilst men tend to externalise it ie fighting and substance abuse, we women often do the opposite and internalise it instead.

It's also common to be detached from emotions and not understand how you feel at any given time. I believe this if often due to our childhoods and our emotions never being validated, or being taught how to deal with and use them to help live a full life.

I don't know about the two of you but I get spells where everything in my life involving others goes wrong at once and things pile on top of each other which make it worse. I never realise this is happening - well I never did until I spoke about it to very good friends. Now I often recognise it and make huge efforts around people and if I can't then isolate for a week or so until it goes away. A counsellor told me I should concentrate on my emotions instead and try to feel and deal with them.

The other thing which helps me is trying to turn anger into assertiveness instead as this is a more socially acceptable way to express anger. One good example is my boss at work shouting at me because I inadvertently interrupted her lunch break. I was upset and angry at this but decided to tackle it instead. After lunch I said to her very calmly 'I am sorry I interrupted your break but please don't shout at me again'. She never did. I felt proud of myself as my anger and upset disappeared and my self esteem went up a point!

I hope this helps a little bit.

3 likes
Reply

Hypercat54, wow, you sound so much like my therapist and I love her. You have some great points in here. Way to go! You are totally on the right track. and you did an awesome job with your boss. I am truly impressed!

Reply

I'm sorry to hear about this but it has bought to my attention how much sometime I just want to sit down and cry and also why I can't just move away from everything and everyone but then I also feel so lonely and low, I don't have any friends, I don't go on girls night outs either I just don't feel I have anyone to really rely on and I have my husband and 2 children so t really feel this way.

When I'm angry I just don't want to talk to anyone and feel so angry I just want to punch something (I never do though).

You are not alone in feeling this way, I'm here if you want to chat xx

Reply

Angiebaby0121, you have friends on this site! The people that made this site, and everyone on here don't want to feel alone! We all have those times in our lives where we feel so alone and isolated. It hurts, it pulls you down to the depths of despair, and all you want to do is cry, feel numb or lash out at someone. I explained in another huge note in here that when you want to punch something, use a pillow or your mattress. I have even gone to a batting cage, and smacked the crap out of some balls just to get that frustration out. But the safest thing to do I believe would be to take it out on your pillow. Scream at it, cry on it, and punch the crap out of it. It is one thing that you can't hurt, it won't talk back and it will always listen, and it will hold all the tears that you have that you need to get out. I know that may sound goofy, but it helps. And if you tear it to shreds, it is a pillow well worth it because you were able to get out all those emotions that you have to tightly bottled up inside of you. Let them out sweet girl, don't hold them inside. there is more to life that feeling angry, hopeless and alone. Look for that beauty, the love, the sunshine let go of the sorrow, the anger, the hate and remember to smile. Its amazing what a smile can bring to you. And Breathe!

Hope this helps. I'm here to chat if you need it.

Cheryl

1 like
Reply

Thank you Cheryl your reply was truly lovely and so nice and it made me smile.

My poor pillow lol.

Reply

This happens to me everyday almost. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel completely isolated becuase of it. I have a facebook but haven't been on it for months and can't even look at the app on my phone because of the anxiety it gives me. Ill feel panicked when I wake up which is why I sleep so much, I feel terrible with no energy and hopelessness all day, then feel better at night, sometimes, i never feel better. I get super excited about things and 10min later, i feel like garbage. Ill feel hope and then despair and then angry and the guilt all in a day, sometimes in a few hours.

Reply

Hi isabobcat, (dear sleep deprived!) I don't mean to pry, but have you talked to a doctor about this? I just wonder if some of it could be medically treated. Almost like a hormone is off or something, I don't know, just a guess. Maybe they can even suggest some in person support groups that you could go to so that you can get out and socialize, not keep yourself locked inside all the time. I know that being inside for me all the time pulls me down. I have to get up and get moving. I know getting motivated is not always easy, but it helps. Get some exercise, they say that endorphins help to make you happy. As far as sleep, try and keep the same sleep schedule every day. If you need some medication to do that, ask your Dr. I know I have had times in my life in the past 9 years in dealing with a movement disorder that it causes a lot of sleepless nights. Finally we were able to find a medication that is helping. Not all the way, but something is better than nothing. Also try your hardest to look at the positive things in life. I know it's not easy to when you become so sleep deprived, but do your best to breathe, smile, and try to tell yourself, today is going to be a better day. Even if it is just for a short time, then the next day try and beat it. Attitude goes alone way without all the nasty side effects of medication. I hope that you can find the answers you are looking for. Best of luck

Cheryl

Reply

Hi Bellaawesome, I can say reading the posts below, and knowing what I go through, you are not alone! So taking this from an amateur I have a wonderful therapist that I go and see every week. Love her to pieces, and she has helped me to deal with these kind of emotions along with the FND issues as well. As Far as social media goes, instead of deleting your profile, maybe just stay away from looking at it for a few days or weeks. I know it is something that has become a part of our daily lives to look at what is going on in the world, but sometimes it has it's pro's and cons to it that don't really help us out. Pros being like this site that help to provide support and answers, friendships, a good laugh when needed, or even a good thought that really jumps out at you, or even one that can make you cry and release feelings you didn't know you had built up inside of you. However the cons end, you see friends being able to go and do things that you might not be able to do, physically, financially, people can say hurtful things etc.. and that is where you would just like to chuck it all and start over, I think things like FB need to be taken with a grain of salt sometimes. if someone is out getting to do things you can't, just try and be happy for them, and move on. Don't dwell on things, don't let jealousy creep in on you. I know I have a time or two, and I have to remind myself that I am doing the best that I can right now, and to just enjoy what I have and what I can do.

The ups and downs in ability. OH my goodness, I totally agree with this. I have my ups and downs days. I get this burst of energy, and am able to do so much with my house, I clean like a mad woman, and then the next day, my body says.. ya right, you spent up all that energy yesterday, your not doing anything today, and I crash and burn. And all the work I did gets blown up the minute the kids and hubby come home. Its like you didn't do anything at all, and it frustrates the heck out of you. Enough so that you just want to smack them right upside the head and say.. Did you not see what I did today? Why can't you keep things clean? My favorite question for my family is.. Why am I considered the dishwasher, and I tell them that I am not paid to be the maid! ha ha but truly I am not. I need help around my house, and for some reason they just don't get it. They know that it can cause my FND to flare up at night, they know that it can cause a short temper with me, but it still happens. The fix? Well.. that is still a tough one. however I am learning to deal with it. l have to learn to ask for more help with an "I feel like" statement, such as.. "I feel like I am the only one dealing with the dishes in this house. May I get more help?"

Then the anger part of it. This has been an interesting one for me to do, and no so easy. I find with the FND disability, it is like my brain and body have a mind of their own, and they don't always communicate together the way they should. For instance right now, I am not having any problems typing this, but if I were to outstretch my arm, take my index finger and point it, bend my arm and touch my nose I guess like a sobriety test an officer would do on tv, I can't always get my arm to do it, and I usually overshoot my face. its so goofy. So back to the anger part. One thing my therapist has told me to do is if I am having a time where I just can't take it any more, or if I need to get out old feelings, etc.. I need to take the biggest pillow I have, hold it in my lap, or against my chest, and just beat the crap out of it. Hit it with all my might (which isn't always easy because that FND disconnect in me) But when I can, it is amazing how much I get out, how the anger, the frustrations, the sadness, just comes pouring out. Now don't hurt yourself doing it of course, but get into it as much as you physically can. If you can't do a pillow, hit your mattress on your bed. Do an all out little kid temper tantrum. Hit and kick and scream into your pillow. get those feelings out, DON'T KEEP THEM BOTTLED UP! Keeping them internalized as per one of the messages below will only hurt you more, especially with FND, at least with me that is. You can't keep shoving your feelings into a closet and expect it to hold everything. One day that closet with burst open with all that anger, sadness, depression, frustration etc.. all the feelings that you have kept inside you for so long. Even a pressure cooker, or a tea pot has to release air when it hits the boiling point. So do you! OH and another thing that just came to mind.. Sorry I am rambling, but I hope these ideas will help. first.. warn your family that this may happen from time to time so they don't think that you are crazy. :o) But if and when these times happen when you feel that you just can't take it any more, walk away. Go in your room and do the above steps. Scream into your pillow, hit it, hit your mattress, let the tears flow, get out those feelings, emotions and even get some rest if you need to because even superwoman needs some time out.

You are all amazing women dealing with hectic crazy lives and living with trying problems along with families, jobs, etc.. Take everything one item at a time, Rome wasn't built in a day, don't try to conquer everything all at once and give yourselves a break and remind your self that you are Amazing every day. Keep your head up, smile, and remember that God gives the hardest battles to the strongest soldiers!

Hope this helps.

Cheryl

1 like
Reply

Thanks Cheryl! Great to hear from you. 😁💖✌🏼

Reply

You may also like...