Dependent.

[tomb_raider]

I feel like I’m becoming dependent on my razor again. Throughout the day, no matter what happens to me, no matter how mean everyone is, my razor is always there at the end of the day to bring me comfort in the release it gives me. It’s always there for me. The one thing in my life that won’t hurt me unless I want it to.

It can never betray me. It can never lie to me. It can never attack me. I find it comforting that I have control over it when everything else in my life is spiraling out of control.

It’s like a security blanket. Even if I’m not using it on myself I still like to hold it. To feel it in my hand. It makes me calm. Relaxed.

I can control when it hurts me. How much it hurts me. Or have it not hurt me at all. It’s a comfort to have control over something when I can’t control anything else.

I’m having trouble seeing this as a bad thing. If it gives me peace, why stop? If it makes the pain and the voices go away, shouldn’t I keep doing this?

[Agora1]

tomb_raider, you are correct in that your razor has become your security blanket, your means for release from your hurt, your way of having control of your life. It is not different than an Eating Disorder being used by someone (my own daughter) in having control over their life. When having that kind of control that is self harming then it is not acceptable. You need professional help in guiding you to other means of an outlet. To once again gain "healthy" control over your life. The answer to your question is No, you should not keep doing this. xxx I care