always walking on eggshells

[CLB1125]

my husband recently retired. I will never have my own time again! He makes me nervous. He can be moody and obnoxious at times. I’m always afraid I won’t hear what he said, it ticks him off. If I’m on the phone and he wants something he gets ticked off. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, it’ll be wrong. It’s only been 3 weeks and it feels like 3 months. I’m so stressed out. I just want to curl up and die. This isn’t how I imagined my life. 😪

[Shape-Shifter]

Oh, goodness. It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. I was in one for over 20 years, so no judgement there. It's hard, but you're going to have to learn to let him feel his feelings or end the relationship. If something ticks him off, that's his problem. If it's dangerous to have him become ticked off, then you need to reach out to a healthcare provider and ask them to support you in navigating this. You are his equal, not his doormat, and my heart goes out to you. I ended up leaving my emotionally abusive spouse. It terrified me, but was a very good decision.

If you can, work up the courage to have him go to a counseling session with you, then in the session you can tell him things need to change. You can write out all the ways in which he intimidates you ahead of time so you don't have to remember them in the heat of the moment, and let the professional handle his reaction. Be prepared to follow through with any consequences on your side, like have a safe space to move into temporarily. Bullies will promise anything in front of others and then not follow through. All the best to you.

[CLB1125]

I’ve been married to him for 40 years. We live on my family farm, but he’s part owner now. I could never be able to manage this place by myself. I’ve thought about leaving so many times. I wish I was stronger.

[Hidden]

Hi Clb, I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. There are no easy solutions after 40 years and owning a farm together. It sounds like your husband may be frustrated from retirement. Does he have any hobbies or interests that could help improve his attitude? Or, can you schedule time away from him to do other things when he’s in a mood? I would try to talk to him and explain that this is not the way you envisioned your life at this point and that you deserve better. I hope you two can come to some kind of understanding and find some peace. Best wishes to you.

[CLB1125 in reply to Hidden]

i go shopping for groceries every other Saturday with my daughter. Other than that I don’t go anywhere. I have issues with going out to places alone. A whole other thing. There’s no reasoning with him. If I say anything about the way talks to me then he won’t talk to me for days. That puts me more on edge. Some days it just seems easier to just take a walk in the woods and not come back .

[Hidden in reply to CLB1125]

I’m so sorry CLB. It sounds like the relationship is not going to improve. Can you reach out to a lawyer? First consultations are usually free, and find out what your options are for moving forward on your own. You might have to sell the farm divide the assets and go separate ways. It’s not ideal but the alternative of staying sounds worse. You deserve the peace. Sending prayers your way. 🙏

[QUANTUMDEB]

ll him to get out or become a greeter at Walmart. He’s a jerk.

[Marysblue]

I'm a music lover, I was going to suggest that you could you buy you some good earbuds and block him out but no doubt that would really set him off.Hopefully he'll find some Hobbies. Or you could.. some that take you away from him . I do like what the others said about talking to him about this even maybe with a counselor

You have my sympathy .. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[catsrock]

Wow, that sounds awful. Have you read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," by Paul T. Mason? I found it very helpful in dealing with my sister who I'm convinced has borderline personality disorder and maybe your husband does too? Just my 2 cents.

[MaggieSylvie]

I could have written that myself! We've both been "retired" some years now and my partner has been in hospital with who knows what wrong with his brain. He left me nearly four weeks ago and after three weeks in two hospitals, came home last Friday. It's a good thing I did a lot of heavy (for me) housework during that time because now I don't get in his way as much as I would have done had he been at home. I'm just about to finish the floor. ...... After the washing as well, I fell asleep while having a rest!

[emmi331]

Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? Would you be happier without him? Please see a lawyer to discuss your options.

[lannyh]

I think you need to tell him how you feel, don't let it fester before it gets worse. This is supposed to be your time together and have a happy life! It won't get any better unless you speak up for yourself. I've been there!