To quit pushing so hard ...to just be... takes reminders no guilt trips and learning to flow

[Starrlight]

I have been trying ...too hard... i worry...too much... I care so much it makes me sick...I push myself far trying to make myself worthy which I already am... so the good voice says

... my illness will tell me I will never be enough no matter what... so why listen to that dead-end bullshit!? it’s hard because I grew to trust that... but part of me does see it’s the illness speaking and not the truth ..

..and I am not alone in doing this worry thing, stress, go ,do,go,do think think think to the point where my hair has been falling out for over a year now off and on. Stress, I’m going to get rid of you.some day soon.

I will grow in self esteem and love and be able to be okay as I help others on this journey...it’s hard to be there for others when we are so broken ourselves but we manage to anyway because our hearts are so immense in the way we love. And we get hurt for simply showing love, like its a weakness...our hearts getting broken because of thoughtlessness of others but we keep loving anyway. Bitterness seeps in at times and we wade through it and emerge stronger, brighter, wiser.

I need to believe I can stop spinning out of control. I see my mind yearning for peace and I visualize the peace holding and grounding me in my heart. But it’s like a dream, I wake up. And suffer so. We do cause our suffering to a degree but can it be stoped or were we born to be this way?

Went to the dermatologist today and hope the new scalp oil along with medication helps.

[Hidden]

That is so true!

[LiveandLetLive42]

You are so good at writing Star! I think the disease likes to talk a lot more than we have control over. It can feel like a demon sometimes. I hate it. What's going on with the dermatologist? Is everything okay? You said scalp oil and reminds me of something I used to do....

[Starrlight in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

Thanks LiveandLetLive ...I don’t know. I don’t feel okay. Dermatologist says my hair will fall out more as I am more stressed which I knew that’s how it’s been but it’s even more stressful to worry about trying not to be stressing ... I wish I could just disappear sometimes. Last couple of days I keep on crying. i wish it was my time to leave this place. I know that sounds drastic but I am tired of suffering. And I think of my kids and feel guilt for wishing to leave.

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to Starrlight]

Awww hunny!!! Are you scratching? Do you remember when I used to pick my scalp so bad? Omg it was awful. I feel like that's why my hair is thinner now. I wish I could make you feel better. I know you're really struggling. Remember what you do have though and how strong you've been!! You got this girl!

[Starrlight in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

No not scratching just falls out from hormones and stress. Thanks for being here. I’m trying to step out of this and appreciate. ❤️

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to Starrlight]

Stress does such annoying things to the body I'm always here girl XOXO <3

[Starrlight in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

Thanks girl you are so awesome!

[Coloradowalker]

I think those of us with anxiety and or depression are inherently more thoughtful and sensitive and kind and caregivers because we know how hard it can be to not feel content. Keep up the good fight Starrlight and good luck at the dermatologist. I’ll be that you are beautiful regardless though. ❤️❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Coloradowalker]

You are so sweet and yes some of us are so sensitive that the way we view the world is a bit too much to handle ❤️

[Coloradowalker in reply to Starrlight]

It is overwhelming sometimes and the pressure that we put on ourselves doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I wish I didn’t give a damn and breezed through life carefree and without a worry but this is who I am and I am someone’s mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend and I have to keep fighting. I don’t have a choice and neither do you. We will have peace, Starrlight❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Coloradowalker]

We will? I want to be how I used to be, so carefree and felt invincible. Yeah I hear you. Not a choice really. I was just thinking of why I need to stay. Well I think you are great the way you are but would be nice if you didn’t have to suffer.

[Hidden]

Reading this makes me feel like it came right out of my head. I guess good to know we aren't alone in thinking this way. I hope your journey gets better!! Take care!!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Glad to relate to you even if it’s not the desired place we are in right now. You too, I hope your journey gets better!

[fauxartist]

I also find that commenting on others posts helps me equally....it gets me out of my own head, and giving is healing.

[Starrlight in reply to fauxartist]

True there. Very much so.

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to fauxartist]

Oooooo me too!! It keeps my mind busy. Good one Faux!

[Kainan in reply to fauxartist]

Good to feel that connection. That’s why I love coming on here

[Agora1 in reply to fauxartist]

Oh for true faux. xx

[Fun-Guy7000]

You are doing so well, even if if doesn't feel like it! You encourage others with your thoughts.

[Starrlight in reply to Fun-Guy7000]

Woah thank you so! I appreciate your thoughts and glad you are here. 😊

[Ddorne]

Hi Starrlight, thank you for writing this. It describes me well. We are hopeful, we go on.

Liti

[Starrlight in reply to Ddorne]

HeyDdorne.We care so much but we need to let go of some of the pressure we have put on ourselves and trust, right? Not always easy. I’ve been feeling sense of peace in the chaos lately. How are you doing?

[Ddorne in reply to Starrlight]

Ok , thanks. Up and down. But what you said is right. Take some of the pressure off for sure.

[Hidden]

Thumbs up! Beautifully said and very inspiring.

Yeah depression and anxiety speaks most of the time. But we got to control them. We are leader of our mind not them.

Hope the medication for you hair loss works well.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Yes we are the leader of our mind, so true... thoughts may pile up if we don’t go through them I feel like. Some people have a good filtering system I think to weed out what we don’t need to listen to ... sometimes I listen to the wrong thoughts when I could be letting go.

How are you?

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

I'm calmer now that I had been able to tell about my hurt and anger emotions because of a person that belittled me today.

I guess, I can't really have a happy day without a problem or a stress going to challenge my happy day hehe.

How about you? How you doing now?

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I’m glad you got to talk that out and feel better. You deserve to have your happy day! 😊 ((((((((hug))))))))

I know! There’s always something isn’t there?

Trying to have inner peace and happiness no matter what is going on. Little things can seem so large at times. My tooth has felt sensitive so I’m afraid it’s a cavity or something, seeing if it goes away ( been having the sensitivity since Sunday morning) if it’s still there tomorrow I will make an appointment.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Hugs you back.

Yes it is. I would feel like a millionaire if I could really have a day of peace! Haha

One of the aches, I hate the most toothaches. Yeah, if i feel something wrong with my tooth, i would feel worried too. Do make an appointment with a dentist.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Ha yes a millionaire indeed. I hate this anxiety, really struggling this morning. Could be worse though. Wishing you moments of beautiful peace.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Same to you my friend. I know you are very strong. I am inspired by you.

Yeah, I had one today too. But I kept telling myself, it will be alright. Everything will be alright. With a prayer to God. Indeed. They are alright. I'll pray for you.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thank you soooo 🙏 😊