A friend of mine recommended this site to me to help give me some peace of mind that I’m not struggling alone... After I read her in-depth story of her own personal struggle I felt a whole new level of ease to know I’m not suffering alone... I guess after reading her own story it inspired me to put mine out there...
Growing up I had a great childhood, a few bumps along the way but it was nothing majorly bad... My mam suffers with OCD and depression so I witness multiple episodes growing up. When we lived in a block of flats I remember been stuck in the lift for hours on my own, eventually fire Brigade came and got me out- ever since then I had a fear of enclosed spaces and lifts.
From a young age I suffered multiple losses, in 1999 my mam gave birth to my brother, in April 2000 We almost lost mam, she died giving birth to the youngest of the family but the were able to resuscitate her sadly we lost the youngest brother of the family, it was a devastating blow to the family.. In December 2000 we lost our grandmother ( mams mam) to a horrid battle with cancer... it was difficult to deal with at a young age..
In 2004, Halloween night I lost my uncle who I was very close with.. he had been viciously murdered because he tried to stop a group of teens from robbing his neighbors car.
In 2009, we almost lost mam again. She was in a neighbors home when the house was shot at missing her by half an inch. It was the wrong house they had hit, they had came back over an hour later and had thrown nail bombs in the house at which point there was a police officer in the house, sadly he was hit.
Growing up I’ve always had the most closest of bonds with my grandad (dads dad) he’s the only grandfather I’ve ever known, we use to do everything together.. go cinema , days out, he would be the one id run too quicker if I ever had a problem or needed guidance.. on and off during my childhood I would spend months on end staying at my grandparents house.
In 2010, one of the worse years of my life. I had causing a huge fight between me and my dad we stopped talking, we would constantly row and snipe at each other eventually causing the split between mam and dad and my mam leaving to live in her sisters. She became very sick that year too. In June of that year during the time I was doing my leaving certificate my grandad passed away losing his battle with cancer. This was the biggest devastation I had ever felt in my life. School refused me extended time to complete two exams leaving me to miss them due to my grandads funeral... I became a shell of myself, sometime after the funeral I moved in with my nanny, to be a support system for her after losing my granddad... during which sparked fights with my dads brother. One night he cornered me and tried to physically force a pub sized bottle of vodka down my throat, I had to lock myself in my room... I never liked been in enclosed spaces. By the end of 2010 I was viciously attacked by my dads brother, to the point he had held a knife to my throat the feel of the sharp blade touching my skin was enough to scar me for life. Eventually after much of my screaming my grandmother was alerted and came into the living room to investigate by this time he had hid the knife and kept screaming at me to leave the house this was at 11:30pm he went to punch me and only for my grandmother was in the middle he ended up punching the wired glass frame that was in the living room door, ripping his hand open his friend came around to take him to hospital; I was beyond terrified of what he would do to me when he got home, so that night I didn’t sleep I had locked the bedroom door packed all my bags which was quite a few, I took several panic attack’s.. at 6:30am I unlocked the door and left the house to get the first bus home... after the request of my grandmother telling me to leave. For months on end she refused to talk to me, she took his side over mine. I was completely on edge. By the end of 2010 mamma had to have a big operation to have her thyroid removed, the operation was successful to a point, still to this day she’s unwell. The only good thing to come out of the year 2010 was by the end of it mam moved back in and sorted stuff out with dad.
2011 was a long year, mam was in and out of hospital undergoing more operations... In may 2011 I fell pregnant, my partner at the time had been cheating on me eventually getting another girl pregnant too and getting with her. He caused me a lot of stress and hassle that eventually in 2011 I lost a baby girl. I had never felt so alone in my life, I shut off from my family and friends I stopped going out unless it was work and home.
Eventually in 2012, I started gaining my confidence back and got myself a social life back by the end of the year I suffered what I never thought would happen to me... a person who I classed as a close friend done the unthinkable, he had came back to my house with me and another friend of mine, I let him crash on my couch while me and my friend Aoife stayed upstairs. He was upset and needed a chat so eventually Aoife went to bed and me and him stayed up chatting I was very much sober as I rarely drank anyway he however was drunk. He kissed me by surprise to which I politely rejected. He then forced him on me ripping my tights and underwear, forcing himself in me at this point I was struggling to get him off me.. eventually after it had stopped he left... he had text me the next day saying he couldn’t remember anything from the night before or how he had gotten home... I had never felt so dirty in all my life. I showered myself in bleach... I was so distraught that I scrubbed my skin with a nail brush for days ripping my skin... I never reported it because I was ashamed, I was afraid that nobody would believe me. I didn’t know what to do. I cut all contact with him I didn’t even respond when he had text me the day after.
Throughout my years growing up I would be nervous and take numerous panic attacks... I was in and out of hospital and doctors due to issues with my own health :- I suffered with re-occurring tonsillitis to the point my tonsils swelled up so bad it was almost cutting my airways off. I would constantly be a worrier to the point that anything I touched I would scrub my hands repeatedly. I had to have my own dishes and my own seat at the dinner table that if anyone else used my dishes I would bleach them out, if someone else sat on my seat at the dinner table I would stand and eat mine. I became obsessed over having stuff certain ways over numbers not been on an even number, over the way stuff has been set out. It took over me.
2016; I had a meltdown, I was constantly sick, I was on antibiotics every week straight, literally every 7-10 days it was a different antibiotic, various letters been sent to the ENT specialist, phone calls everything you name it, I was told I’d have the operation in February 2016, by the end of February I pushed right down the list, I would have no voice because of the swelling, the pain was unbearable, I was out of work a lot and I was beyond terrified that I would lose my job because of the situation I was in, I was in and out of A&E, I lost my social life because I was always too sick to go anywhere or do anything...
In October 2016 after years of been on different antibiotics, going different appointments etc I got my operation date I had my tonsils removed. By this point I became so dependent on my mam that I wouldn’t leave the house unless she was with me, I’d have meltdowns and anxiety attacks, I was ashamed of how I felt.. after the operation the anxiety attacks continued.. In the middle of Christmas dinner I had a melt down. By January 2017 I refused point blank to leave my house.
I wasn’t sleeping I rarely ate food had no appetite. I was kicking myself because of how ridiculous I felt. I eventually seeked help with my GP, i was already prescribed gerax 250mg but I was also put on Effexor 25mg to start on... nothing was improving so they upped my dosage to 75... I started to attend counseling, things were looking up then they decided to cut my antidepressant by more than half way to quickly and I crashed out.
I cut myself numerous times on my thigh, something I’d never thought I’d be physically able to do, I’ve battled suicidal thoughts but would never proceed in self harm until this year. Counseling wasn’t working eventually they changed my antidepressant to sertraline 50mg for a few weeks I noticed no change I still wasn’t sleeping I was still terrified to leave the house even to the point of going out to my front garden terrified me. When it came to getting take outs I refused to be the one to order what I wanted over the phone in fear I’d stutter or stumble on my words. Eventually I got moved up to sertraline 100mg and referred to the local HSE mental health clinic I’ve the appointment in two weeks time.
I’m still struggling with getting up and dressed to go to work.. as it stands at the moment work is very very pressured for me. My operations manager had requested proof from my GP that I suffer with depression and anxiety, something which floored me completely despite the fact my own line manager has been fully aware and notified of the depths I feel with anxiety and depression. My operations manager asking my supervisor to ask me for proof made me feel a lot of mixed emotions. Embarrassed that he asked for proof, ashamed for feeling the way I do, hurt that they didn’t believe me. It drove me to the point I felt at a loss I cut myself.
I tried to relieve some of the pain and despair I felt inside but instead I felt nothing. I had requested the proof he required from my GP to which she became quiet annoyed that I was asked to give such evidence, she had told me it was illegal for them to ask me that and if they wanted proof they are welcome to nominate a doctor on behalf of the company to speak to my doctor with my permission.
This made me feel even worse that I was to go into work without a sheet of paper stating I suffer with mental illness. Even now I had given them enough notice of my appointment with the mental health clinic and my operations manager is refusing to give me time off to attend the appointment. I feel a million times worse in myself, I’m overly anxious and feeling down, I’ve zero motivation to get up and leave my home from work, I’m not sleeping anymore either, I’m very run down and in the state of panic that I need this appointment very much so, but I’m afraid that if I attend the appointment I will lose my job.
My mind is like a storm inside I feel like nobody understands the depth of my anxiety or depression I feel on a daily basis. I love my job but right now it’s beginning to make my stomach churn and adding to my anxiety..
So yeah this is my story from start to the middle with no ending in sight anytime soon.
My story about family, coping with depression, and lack of support
My Life Story...
Story of my life
Telling my Story 
My story (partially) 
