Hello I'm new here...

[Bbrand]

Hello I'm Brandie. I am a mother of a 4 year old. Her dad passed away a year ago in September on the 23rd so his death date is coming up. Well right after his death I felt really down and wish I does instead of him. I felt like it was my fault(he passes because a drug over dose). I felt as I could of talked him out of doing that... but I didn't. I took my daughter on vacation and 2 days after coming back I got a text that he was dead. My life was over as it felt. Once I went back to work and started socializing again I was a bit better. I didn't tell like it was my fault after talking to a family friend who's a councillor. And just randomly I met this man. Well he ended up being the man of my dreams. He is such a gentalman and he talks to me when I start to doubt myself. He helps me get up in the morning to go to the gym (I'm a bit over weight) he has a great job(military) he loves my daughter as his own. Basically he's a southern gentleman and it's like a dream come true.... Well I'm always flipping stuff and putting stuff in my head... I get so down and out that it doesn't matter what reality is I am always sad. I cry a lot and I don't have no reason too. It bothers me because we are suppose to be moving together and starting a life together. But some days I feel like he is getting tired of me. I don't know what to do anymore. And I started my new job and I fight myself in my head because I think so negative like I cannot do this, I'm about to quit, I just want to leave and go home. I try to tell myself otherwise. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to move on with life. I want to be a better mother and person. I want to find happiness. Oh and I always try to make others seem like im okay I always smile but in reality I'm crying and begging to be happy.

[Sweetcathy29]

Hi, i cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you. Anyone will tell you that it wasnt your fault and you could not have know what would happen in future. It seems like a cliche.

I dont know much but could be either you feel betraying memory of your husband or deep down you maybe a little insecure... since you mentioned the guy you met is a military personnel. All i can suggest is next time when you are going through the struggle within, take a pen and paper write everything down; the negative thoughts, what your head tells you is going wrong with everything that is happening, and the positives like the arguments you use to try and overcome those thoughts.

Next when you feel calm, go through it and believe me it will make lot more sense to discuss it with yourself. (Or if it feels okay then you can also talk about it to your concellor friend or reach out to anyone you think can understand and help)

Also try and reach out to him. He might understand and help you as slightest support from someone who understands can help a lot.

Take care.