I'm new here, needed to vent.

[3BlueOwls]

I am 21 years old, I live with my boyfriend and his parents. I have been unemployed since March, so I am at home 24/7 every day. I have a job lined up, but it keeps hitting roadblocks with construction and city inspection etc. I don't have a license, or a car, so I can't even leave the house by myself to go anywhere. The most I get out of the house is every 2 or 3 weeks when my boyfriend and I go to Walmart for groceries. And since I don't have a job, I have no money, which sucks because my boyfriend is carrying all the financial weight right now. He pays rent (only $300 because we live with his parents), he pays both of our phone bills, his car payments and gas, groceries, and misc. Ofcourse I feel awful because I do not contribute, and I end up beating myself up over it. and he only gets 2 off days a week, sometime only 1 day, and he wants to spend that time at home to rest and whatnot (which I understand) but sometimes I ask if we can go out and go fishing or hiking or swimming, or a movie etc. He's always too tired, or we don't have spending money. And we live in the country so there's not much out here, and I don't have any friends out here (save 2 of his friends that I don't like being around very much). All my old friends (which is only a few) live in the city and have their own lives and shedules so there's no time to see them. All I do, is sleep. There's absolutely nothing else to do. My days keep melting together, I never know what day it is anymore. I sleep to get away from everything, but lately I even dread sleep because it feels like I'm trapped there too. And I have dreams every night, but they are almost always stressful or horrible. I've become sedentary, my daily routine is eat, watch tv, and sleep. Sometimes it's just sleep. And it's not that I DONT want to get out and do things, I actually yearn to travel the world, and go on awesome camping trips. But I don't have the means, and I'm scared I never will. Then I get on social media and see everyone else around me, living their lives and moving forward, smiling. And I'm jealous, but I'm also happy for them that they are not stuck like me.

I have declined when it comes to hygiene lately as well. I used to take 2 showers everyday, dress up nice, had a skin routine, did my makeup, and was at my desired weight. Now, I only shower maybe 2 or 3 times a week, once I can smell myself. I forget to brush my teeth, or I just don't care. I got rid of almost all my makeup, and the little bit I do have is reserved for the rare occasion I show my face in public. I don't wash my face anymore, I have acne and dry skin rashes all over my body. I've gained weight quickly, am at the most I've ever weighed, and I hate looking at myself in the mirror now. I don't even want my boyfriend to look at me anymore. Which affects our love life as well ofcourse. I got rid of 95% of my clothes, because I can't fit into them anymore. My bras don't fit, and they are breaking because they are so old but I don't have $100+ to buy new ones. I wore the same size in pants for years, and now they can't zip or button, and some of them I can't even get past my thighs. So for the past 2 months I've been wearing my boyfriends clothes. An over-sized t-shirt and his basketball shorts. I want to scream and cry but I don't even have the energy. I don't eat healthy at all, mostly due to my laziness in finding food I can ACTUALLY eat. I have many food allergies, on top of being allergic to every tree and grass in the region I live in. I want to work out and get my body back, but I have zero energy and motivation. Right now I've even got this extened belly pouch, and I can't tell if I'm bloated, fat, or possibly pregnant. I'm waiting for my period to start, it's due in 4 days. The last thing we need right now is a baby, not that I don't want kids with him. It would just be the absolute worst timing. I wonder how many readers have made it this far, I don't blame you if you stopped reading and got out of here fast. I don't know what to do anymore. If anyone is even in a remotely similar boat, I'd like to hear from you.

[Zoe299]

I can so relate, but I live with lots of things around me and I STILL find it difficult to go out on my own. I'm scared and stressed about everything. But I want to do stuff...my partner is very active and I can't keep up with him anymore because I've put on that much weight and become unfit. I'm hungry but have no appetite or motivation to eat properly...so I eat rubbish, and because I hate the way I look, I only put make up on for work where as I used to always look nice for my boyfriend. My clothes don't fit either and getting dressed for work everyday is a nightmare and stressful.

When I lived away on my own I found getting into a routine was helpful...doing the shopping, cooking, learning.

I've got 2 months off work and I'm dreading it because I don't like to be alone for long periods of time with my thoughts when I'm depressed but I need to take advantage of this time and start to look after myself, go out running or even walking is where I am going to start. Is this something you could start too?

X

[3BlueOwls in reply to Zoe299]

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry you are suffering as well, but atleast we aren't entirely alone. Where we live is not a place to walk or jog, we are on a short dead end road off a service road/highway. I can walk to the end of it in about 3 minutes. I suppose I could turn around and walk laps but I prefer actually going somewhere and not staying in place, you know ?

[Zoe299 in reply to 3BlueOwls]

Wow that sucks yeah I can see why you feel the way you do.

How about following along some yoga videos on YouTube?

Is there no transport you can take like a bus or train etc?

With the taking care of yourself I always try to think even if I feel like not doing something then just do it anyway. Try and do 1 thing each day, just 1 and that's such an accomplishment.

Are there any skills you could be learning online for your future Job?

[3BlueOwls in reply to Zoe299]

I suppose I could do online yoga. Theres no buses or trains out here, just the highway and flat lands lol.

[Lindsay478]

Hi Zoe,

Damn, that's a lot! You were right, many readers would be overwhelmed just getting through your post, I can't even imagine how hard it is to BE you and feel that way every single day.

So here's what I want to say (if you're curious :))

First of all, we have more control and power over our own lives than many of us give ourselves credit for. It is so much easier to believe and behave like we do not, but we do. For example, your job circumstances and living circumstances are definitely defined by many external forces, but when you started talking about your body - you spoke of your own control. You have chosen to let taking care of your body go and that is the most disturbing thing about this entire post. Even if you didn't have money, or your own place, or a job - you have your body. So long as you're alive, that's all that you can guarantee that is yours. You decide how it gets treated and what is done to take care of it or not.

Use the control you have over the things that you can - start with yourself. You don't have to be "dressed up" every day to be healthy, I'm talking about the basics. If you really are trying to save money, a diet is an easy way to do that. A healthy one could consist of boring meals of the same type of nutrients every day, but it would be nutrients and it would be enough. Exercise is also free. You really must know that the more you move your body, the more endorphins you charge and guess what - those make you FEEL better (body and mind).

I'm not being critical of you, I'm trying to challenge you. You say you have literally nothing to do with your time but sleep, but that is completely untrue. Your legs can take you places to do any number of things for free. USE THEM. Clean, offer to help the neighbor's clean, walk pets, offer to walk other people's pets, wash cars, offer to wash other people's cars, walk for a set period of time every day as if it's your job. Do not be late, do not make excuses, go to it as if it is your paycheck. The more practice you continue to have of living and being out in the world, the more ready you will be for a new job that you will be needing soon.

You have adults living in the house with you - are they people you can learn from? Are they people you can get advice from? Do they know where you can get a job? What about volunteer work until you do get a job? There are so many ways to spend your time that mean productivity - which it sounds to me that you desperately need.

I am so 100% sure that the stress of it all makes you tired. Makes you want to stay in bed and staying in bed feels better at that moment. But if that was all you needed, then you wouldn't be on this website today.

Change one thing at least. Take showers. Take walks. Clean. Plan. Communicate. You can do it. You have control.

[3BlueOwls in reply to Lindsay478]

Thank you for your insight, those are things I didnt think about.