I NEED SOFT, GENUINE CARESSING AND MOTIVATION FROM A LIVING BEING
Well, my name is Dandy Lie. And I am born with unique traits and characteristics I haven't really recognized yet.
Now I am 17 years old, sitting in my private room with lots of racing thoughts and fears about my future. I can't even move an inch because I have lost ideas for overcoming my issues.
And I am really honoured if you can read this post carefully and enthusiastically, because what I will tell you may be laughable but it is not a joke.
So, when I was a little kid, I was quite spoiled and quite dependant to my mom. I was also quite whiny. I cried whenever people scolded, shouted, and make fun of me.
And what the problem was is that I couldn't even put on clothes, so my parents were the ones putting on clothes everytime.
However, my childhood was quite good. I lived happily and I could play games, starting from Nintendo games, PSP, and so on. And my favourite games were Super Mario Bros, Ballance 3D, Age of Empires : Conquerors Expansion, Zuma, Luxor, and some games related to racings. I could welcome the world everyday with innocent smiles and high spirits. Although there were some naughty kids at my school, well, I could live life like there was nothing despite being whiny and super spoiled brat.
But it didn't last long.
So, I met a friend(let say, A) and I was curious on why he didn't have friends. Well, I met him when I was 12, and at first everything went quite well.
But... when I was graduated into Junior High School... everything changed. I could no longer be happy and playful as usual, because I was constantly ignored by some students and scolded brutally. Well, at this point, A became arrogant, selfish, manipulative, and brutal towards me. He hit me at one occasion when I asked him his exam score. And his family members became arrogant as well and domineering. They often ordered my family members to do something for him as if my family members were their robots. And I started losing my precious games because he damaged my laptop system, hence making it malfunctioned.
And in one occasion, A became the target of S' anger because he had provoked them through his harsh words. Well, it had nothing to do with me actually, however, I was scared of them because they seemed quite naughty and brutal. But I ignored them completely.
But unexpectedly, S and his friends met up when I was in high school at the age of 14(at that point I had been circumcised, thus making me less whiny and more mature, but still I was still weak mentally) and there was when the real hell started.
The TRUE HELL, which CHANGED ME FOREVER.
So I was already tired of being ignored in Junior High School. I was tired of many assignments(because I am in the acceleration class, which made it possible for me to graduate after 2 years instead of 3 years) so I chose the unique high school in my city I have never heard of, and I learned indoor, which suited my personality well. I chose that new high school because I hope that I could learn optimally because there was NO ASSIGNMENT there. And I could be more sociable, because I wasn't really sociable in Junior High School.
WHEN I FINALLY SET FOOT ON THE HIGH SCHOOL WHEN I WAS 14, I WITNESS THE TRUE HELL.
WELL, SO S AND HIS FRIENDS WERE UNEXPECTEDLY ENLISTED AT THE SAME SCHOOL AS MINE ALONG WITH SOME CYNICAL STUDENTS.
THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT WORSE. I WAS BULLIED BY MANY OF THEM BRUTALLY. SOME TRICKED ME, SOME STEALED MY BELONGINGS, AND SOME HIT ME. SOME STUDENTS DIDN'T RESPECT ME WHEN I ASKED SOMETHING TO THE TEACHERS. THUS, I WAS LEFT WITH ONLY FEW STUDENTS ACTUALLY CARING FOR ME.
AND UNFORTUNATELY, MY FAMILY MEMBERS AND I LEFT THE OLD HOUSE DUE TO DAMAGES, AND FOUR OF US, WAS DESCENDED INTO A MESSED UP, UGLY HOUSE.
WHAT "REPAIRING HOUSE FROM DAMAGES"!!!!
MY FATHER DIDN'T KNOW THAT HE DID A GREAT BLUNDER, WHICH CHANGED THE WHOLE FAMILY'S LIFE FOREVER.
"We didn't trust that man. Let's entrust the renovation of this house to Sulaiman."
B***s***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE SULAIMAN TURNED OUT TO BE A FRAUD.
Well, I'm completely sorry for writing in capitals and writing some rude words, however, this is for the sake of highlighting my hellish life.
So, that's when the hell started. From 2015 to 2017. And it would be very long if I wrote my hellish life in detail. So I will only highlight some turning points that changed my mental condition, i.e. :
1)Sulaiman promised that he would renovate the house within a month, but it took a year to renovate the house.
2)That house when the four of us moved was A RENTED HOUSE, and it was AWFUL. Everything was dirty, especially the BATHROOM. IT WASN'T HYGIENIC. AND THIS WAS WHAT CHANGED MY HEALTHY SKIN INTO THE MESSED UP SKIN.
3)I attended Physics competition along with my friends, and I was the only one who didn't get trophy while the others got the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd rank trophy. This was when my mental breakdown started. Because:
*For the first time of my life, I lost the competition alone.
*For the first time of my life, I felt the genuine suffering of losing(alongside the genuine suffering of being bullied and ignored by the other students).
*For the first time of my life, I felt the geniune pain of being ignored by the winners(despite some other people who lost the competition encouraged me to move on from the losing)
And that's what made my motivation for learning drop even more substantially. And I became lazy and less motivated.
4)And I was blamed by my parents for having a poor socialization skill. My parents considered me a weak and messy son for constantly leaving my stuffs behind or letting naughty friends steal them.
5)And I failed in Physics Olympiad, but this time I was not alone, that's why I didn't really care about this. So I chose the Geography Olympiad in the 2nd Year of the high school. But S and the other naughty students joined that olympiad. What a coincidence!!!!!! Hence, I was bullied again whenever I expressed something related to Geography Subject that I knew, and some didn't give me chance to speak. But fortunately, the Geography teacher adviced those students to let me speak, so I spoke loudly. However, I would never forget this awful day. Never forget it. Along with those days when they constantly bullied me with variety of ways.
6)Despite being bullied and underestimated by students, this time I tried to do my best in Geography Olympiad, and finally I could pass the city-level test of Geography Olympiad. HOORAY!!!! That's when I celebrated it by shouting very loudly and moved very hyper-actively that my pencil case fell down.
7)But then I failed at the province-level test, and I couldn't attend National Geography olympiad. That's what broke my heart into pieces, and that's what I still couldn't afford until now, because all of my close friends could pass the province-level test. THIS IS UNFAIR, BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO COULD ATTEND NATIONAL GEOGRAPHY OLYMPIAD WOULD BE VERY FAMOUS AND THEY COULD BE INTERVIEWED. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!
8)And on one occasion, before this happened, I cried in early 2016, and this is a different story from those. So, one day, after Sulaiman renovated my house poorly, I felt that this house lacked the place for putting my glasses. There were only two places : the top of the fridge and a desk near my window. However, the desk was invaded by red ants and black ants through the window, and the desk was overwhelmed by those insects, so I decided to put the glasses on the top of the fridge. And one day, when my mom was about to open the fridge, her hands slipped and TAKKKK!!!! The glasses fell down. I forgave her because it was unintentional, however, she blamed me and started scolding at me. And she ordered me to go with my father to the repair shop to repair my glasses.
I tried to hold back tears at that time, but I simply couldn't, considering what I've gone through earlier, so I finally sobbed and cried at the repair shop! Well, fortunately some employees at the repair shop lended me a hand and convinced me to stop crying and gave me tissues to wipe out my tears.
9)And finally I had enough of this all and decided to rampage at the Mathematics Course, because the teacher said,"If you don't change your handwriting, no one will check your paperwork."
10)In addition, I was blamed for getting the poor score in IELTS, only 6.5, and they said I deserved that score because I was lazy. BUT THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE TRUTH THAT I LEARNED UNTIL 9 P.M. JUST FOR GETTING A GOOD SCORE IN IELTS.
That's the real hell I've gone through, and soon I have to live a new, harder life in the university while I hadn't enjoyed times of my adolescence at school. And I am constantly warned to change my attitude and be nice to strangers while those who warn me never understand my feelings. Besides, everyone doubt my talents and ability to survive in university world, including me, considering that I am a fool who can only leave things behind and I am the failure who acts grumpy only for seeking for people's attention. Besides, I act weird since I was born, thus making me feel that I will just be alienated and treated poorly like before. That's why I need some solutions for my problem and some caressings to prevent the PTSD, the side-effect of the bullyings, from becoming worse, because I will learn at the university immediately and I have to lead a new, busier and harder life. I also need caressing because recently I can't sleep properly because I am worried about my future university life.
However, hoping for being caressed is futile considering my awful condition, so is there any alternative solution besides caressing?
Well, I deeply apologize if this post is intriguing and complicated, but I will deeply appreciate anyone who can give solutions to my problems immediately because I need to be strong both mentally and physically for facing university world. I will also appreciate those who wants to ask more about my past here.