It feels a little bit strange to say that to complete strangers. But here is my life in a few words:
Sad and bullied young boy, lonely teenager and young adult, I suffered from depression for most of my life. And I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome in my adulthood
Despite that, I unexpectedly managed to get married and have a child. I was successful at school and ended up with an engineering degree.
But my professional life was far from the bright future foreseen by my teachers and the other students. I'm probably the one that has the least fulfilling career. I'm now 49 years old, and I feel like my life was useless and meaningless. I see no hope for things to improve in the future.
What can I tell to convince myself all is not over?
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Sylvain-
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It ISN'T over! You can change your career right now. 49 is not old. You got plenty of time to build a career to where you want it. You could get another degree if you want. Plenty of people do it. If you want to do something else figure out what it is and then figure out how to do it.
First, Agora1 and Blueruth , thanks for your replies. I updated my post's title to make it less pedantic (sorry about that: English is not my primary language). I will try to answer your questions now.
While I was young, the only thing that makes me not feel like a complete failure was a success at school. Later it translated to professional life, but success was not there.
Actually, in my whole life, I never passed through a job interview process. I don't have a "network". So I had to rely on ads only to find a position. I send more than one hundred applications when entering the job market, and countless through the years when I tried to switch to a different career. I only get a few answers and less than 5 interviews on the whole. It felt like there was always someone better than me. In fact, through the years, it felt as if anyone was better than me. I quickly came to the conclusion I was either totally unskilled, or I was such a bad person, no one would work with me if they can avoid it. So, I spend my life in public education, in a position only distantly related to my field, since employment there did only require me to pass an entrance exam.
At this time, I'm on long-term sick leave for depression. Years of medication and psychotherapy does not seem to have helped much. And I feel so pushed down by despair I can't find any energy to try again to change things. It always failed and I see no reason why it could be different.
You also mentioned the other more positive aspects of my life. I feel guilty about that too since I shouldn't have the right to complain when so many people live in situations objectively far worst than mine. Despite that, I can resign myself to being satisfied with my situation.
I know how you feel about applying for jobs, its the hardest thing in the world to keep motivated. Even though I had a good degree, good feedback from my previous employer, and good skills, I still found that my experience was the same as yours.
It doesn't mean you don't have skills, or you are not good at anything, or that there is someone better; it means the whole process is absurd. I have been on the other end of it too, asking for people to be recruited to the company I work in to work with me. I see the ridiculous job specifications the company writes, the rediculous hoops candidates have to jump through, and see that the company then doesn't get good people. The process is nuts.
I dream of a day when the whole recruitment process has been radically reformed and is back to doing things face to face, real interviews and sensible job profiles without a million bits of rediculously specific skills which could easily be taught to somone without them.
Maybe one day someone like you and somone like me will found a better company together.
aurora is spot on. Interviewing is a skill not a talent meaning you can learn. So you made some bad choices. Acknowledge them and move on. You are correct in that you have more to be grateful for than most but know there is something good in you that is what Kees them there
I answered in a different thread, but I wanted to thank you for saying you respect me. I don't think someone already said that to me. In fact, it's quite the opposite: I always felt dispised and I despise myself most of the time.
You've not failed at all. Working life is tough. I'm an engineer too and its not that great if i'm honest. I feel very lucky to have a job that pays fairly well, that is something that I often find interesting, but it is pretty lonely, and working from home or the (silent) office is pretty sole destroying. I'm thinking of changing career or employer.
What do you feel would make your career fulfilling?
For a long time, my dream job would have been in software development, something not too repetitive, working from home (it was before it was trendy
As a teacher, I somewhat lived that by procuration while allowing my student to find jobs in IT. But that wasn't fulfilling and I realized I locked myself into a difficult-to-value position. After each application rejection, I took more online courses because I thought I was missing a key competency that would make the difference next time. I also tried participating in open-source projects, blogging, or showing my expertise on StackOverflow. Of course, nothing worked.
Today, I have so little energy and self-esteem I couldn't even honor a part-time position if one were to arise. That's also why I feel like I have reached the point of no return.
What a mad world we live in, my work are crying out for software engineers, people that are able to teach them selves coding are in short supply. I would hire you tomorrow if I could.
One thing I have always put on my job applications and said in interviews is 'anything I don't know I am very happy to learn. I'm a fast learner and enjoy learning.' It seems to help.
I think once you feel able to, you will be able to find a software engineer job. It will take a lot of applications, but that is not because you are getting rejection, it is because that's how the system is designed. Its basically like throwing your fish (application) into a big lake (the company pool of applicants) and hoping one of the fishermen (recruiters) pulls you out. Its a stupid and demoralising system that isn't really fit for purpose, but its all we have.
Have you read a book called 'Make, Think, Imagine' by John Browne, it helped me think more positively about my place as a technical person.
It's indeed a desperate world when things seem to be done in a total absence of logic.
Your remark makes me also think there are deep cultural differences between countries. In one of the rare interviews I was invited for, I said once something along the lines of 'anything I don't know I am very happy to learn. I'm a fast learner and enjoy learning.' — the answer was immediate: 'we need qualified applicants. We do not pay employees to learn.' Such comments are devastating for people with my profile.
That is very interesting, I think if I heard that I wouldn't want to work there. There are companies out there that want good people who are willing to learn. A lot will be in new technologies and defence I think (there tend to be a lot of big bespoke systems), maybe other sectors too like automotives, or even smaller family businesses. I tend to stay away from the big US firms as their management cultures generally suck and they only care about short term profits.
I do hope you find something, do keep me posted on how you are feeling x
Depression and severe mental health issues are tough to deal with and it can be difficult to find good care. We’re rooting for you on here!!!🙂
Hello Sylvain, you state that you have done psychotherapy but you might want to consider that you may be suffering from trauma and complex ptsd (c-ptsd) from your being bullied. I too was bullied in school and developed social anxiety disorder which I got help for but I continued to have issues. I then learned about trauma and c-ptsd and realized that it was what I had from the bullying and also from growing up in an emotionally abusive and repressed household. I found a therapist that specialized in treating trauma/c-ptsd who used emdr therapy which was very helpful for me. I also realized that I suffered from low-self-worth and low-self-esteem which is common with people who have been bullied. There is a lot of good info and resources on youtube about and some good books available. Hope this is helpful for you.
Thanks for your reply Designguy. As far as I understand, many different mental disorders share a common subset of symptoms, and it's not easy to put a label on a pathology. In fact, I suspect many patients suffer from intermediate or mixed disorders.
As a very analytical person, I believed for a long time that understanding the roots of my suffering would help me to overcome my difficulties. But when I finally decide de follow psychotherapy, I realized it wasn't that easy: whatever the found explanation, the negative part of my mind always managed to make me think it was my fault. Even when I didn't actively make the wrong decision, or if the events were out of my direct control, I still felt guilty for not having been able to find a better coping strategy.
In another reply Blueruth said something related to that: "So you made some bad choices. Acknowledge them and move on." Actually, that is very difficult for me. Every time I look into my past, I feel culpability and regrets for having fallen short of the mark. "Moving on" seems like one of the hardest things to do: I didn't have many opportunities in my life, and I think each opportunity was a unique chance I missed. There is no second chance and no way to turn back. I always made the wrong choice and it seems hard to believe things could be different.
Agora1 also mentioned "Never resign yourself to just be satisfied for what it is. You're not happy then." Strangely, the moments of my life I suffered the least were exactly when I gave up my dreams and expectations and resigned to the idea of living a pathetic life. The idea it could be different makes me sad because I'm convinced even if it "could", it "won't." As a side note, I never ambitioned to be happy. Just expected my life would less be of a burden for me and the others.
I think you are right that so many of the mental disorders share the same or similar pathology but I think at it's core it's a belief that something is wrong with us and we believe it and spend enormous amounts of time and energy trying to understand why and fix ourselves, going to therapy, trying medication. etc... We have been taught and bought into the idea that life is based on the external values and beliefs of society, our family, friends etc.. and we don't measure up unless we meet them. We feel unworthy, guilty, depressed, etc... for not meeting them and shame and punish ourselves for not measuring up because our expectations are based on a false premise and we think we need their validation to be ok.
One of the things that really helped in my healing was realizing that life is an inside job and starting to try to listen and understand what beliefs and values I had consciously and subconsciously and what i was telling myself that was determining my view of myself and life. By becoming aware of the negative beliefs I had i could choose what no longer served me and replace them with helpful constructive ones. Also that I didn't really need anyones validation but my own to be ok.
One of the books that helped me is "There is nothing wrong with you" by Cheri Huber. there is also good info on youtube about how to tp into and become aware of your subconscious beliefs. Another helpful book is "Drive your own darn bus" by Julia Kristina.
"By becoming aware of the negative beliefs I had i could choose what no longer served me and replace them with helpful constructive ones."
I didn't mention it before, but I also followed Cognitive-Behavioral therapy for several years. It was a mild success in replacing negative cognitions with positive ones.
In fact, just like with psychotherapy, the most positive aspect of the therapy was spending 45 minutes every 10~15 days talking with an intelligent and highly educated person. We talked about psychology, of course. But also about art, science, literacy, etc. That was a breath of fresh air. It is also related to my answer to @Agora1's last comment about feeling respected.
"One of the books that helped me is "There is nothing wrong with you" by Cheri Huber. there is also good info on youtube about how to tp into and become aware of your subconscious beliefs. Another helpful book is "Drive your own darn bus" by Julia Kristina."
Thanks for the suggestions. I read a lot of self-help books as a young adult. Some put some light on what was wrong with me but didn't help much in overcoming the difficulties. Others, mainly based on clichés like "if you want you can", were plain demoralizing by perpetuating the idea I didn't really want to change or I didn't try hard enough.
You're welcome. I totally get the interesting relationship with your therapist, my last therapist was super intelligent, well read and informed and someone I would really enjoy having a beer with.
I agree with you about the shallowness and one size fits all approach of a lot of self-help books. Although it wasn't strictly self-help, it's one of the reasons I loathed The Secret and the hoop-la around it at the time.
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xx
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