About me

[ShadowWalker]

As I sit here I am trying to think of one positive thing to type. I have spent the last few hours trying to find a number to call to talk to someone what was not a suicide hotline. I am not interested in self harm, I have enough medical issues that could kill me to ever think about killing myself. I am in a bad place and I have to decide between giving up my dogs , my belonging and living with people who are kind of friends or staying with an ex who is my room mate and who is emotionally and verbally abusive so I can buy a house and keep my dogs and everything I own. I have fibromyalgia, cancer, and a few other issues that are going to keep me in and out of the hospital for the next year or so. I allowed myself to get into the mess. I am trying to work my way out of it. Thankfully I was just approved for SSDI. But its not enough to live on by myself. I am just trying to hold everything together and its getting harder to do. I have no one to talk to, no real support group. Thats why I am here now.

[kelli333]

I totally understand. I spent years being suicidal luckily that's changed. But I can't do anything, I have a agoraphobia. So it's almost impossible for me to leave my housel I feel like a loser even though I know it's my illnesses.

[ShadowWalker in reply to kelli333]

I am not suicidal. I have been told I have PTSD though. My options at this point are, 1. Stay in an abusive situation and keep my dogs and everything I own.

or

2. Walk away from my dogs and everything I own and stay with people I have known along time but who are not really friends.

I wish there was a 3. but I haven't found one yet and I am about out of time. My house is in foreclosure and going to be auctioned off on the 28th, My free lawyer said it will take up to 30 days for them to evict us after the sale. If it sales. My health issues have cost me my house. I am not sure what else they will cost me. I do not want my fur babies to end up in the shelter. The no kill shelters are all full and I haven't been able to find foster care for them yet.

[4evermissingu in reply to ShadowWalker]

That's a very tough situation. Seek support groups in your area. Someone should be able to help you. I would not stay in an abusive situation. If you can find a good home for your dogs where you could visit them that would be ideal. Keep fighting for you and your health. You can't take care of anything if you're not healthy. Time to put yourself first.

[Ddorne in reply to ShadowWalker]

Shadowwalker, it sounds like you want to keep your dogs, but are afraid to be with your ex. Are you in therapy? Maybe it might help you to cope with him. Animals are special and it sounds like you are leaning toward that? Prayers for you.LD

[kelli333 in reply to ShadowWalker]

There are special programs/residential for women who are leaving an abusive relationship. You can try calling 211, they give out resources or google. There is a lot of support for abused women out there, you just have to find it. I wish you the best of luck and I'll say many prayers for your situation. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.

[Ddorne in reply to kelli333]

Kelli333, you are not a loser. You have an anxiety disorder, which is treatable. I have OCD which is treatable but I haven't completed the treatment yet. It's not easy but don't give up. You will be stronger for trying. God BlessLD

[kelli333 in reply to Ddorne]

Thank you for your kind words =)

[bhough81 in reply to kelli333]

I know exactly how you feel! I've had anxiety/depression, more on the anxiety side. I have panic attacks that have sent me to the ER which in turn ends up with thousands of dollars in medical bills that makes my anxiety even worse. My husband gets so frustrated with me because I never want to go and do anything. But I can't help it!! I guess he thinks I'm just being lazy. I want to go places but don't want to get up and shower or get dressed. I haven't pinpointed what causes these attacks because they're so random. I just established with a new primary doctor and I told him what I was experiencing and he said I need to seek counseling. I don't even know where to begin with that. He named a few places but said they probably wouldn't take me because their places for people that don't have insurance or on Medicaid. Any suggestions will be appreciated! Do I need a councilor, psychiatrist, etc????

[kelli333 in reply to bhough81]

I recommend trying to seek counseling, Call your insurance and see what's covered. If not, google for low cost therapists (a lot of them are have sessions on Skype). I found a life coach for 12 sessions and it only cost thirty something. If you can't get a therapist or in the mean time you can text 741741 on your phone or use KIK (same 741741). It's the number to Crisis Text Line.

[Hidden]

If you need help talk type phone numbers, I suggest you send a post out asking for some from the members of this venue. Indicate if you are in the UK or US or where. There are some s I have seen them from time to time that are not necessarily for suicide prevention. Good luck.

[kelli333]

If you don't mind texting, you can try Crisis Text Line. You can contact them on your text on your phone or through KIK. Just dial 741741. You will get a trained counselor.

[CaptainCrunch]

I hate to hear all the pain and trouble you are going through. I wish there was something I could do to help take it all away for you. You sound strong to be facing so many challenges and humbling admitting to some of the mess. That takes strength. Though everything is uncertain today you are making the right steps even if they seem so small at times. I tell myself it is like eating an elephant... you just have to do it one bite at a time. I will say prayer for you ShadowWalker.

[ShadowWalker in reply to CaptainCrunch]

I would rather eat a cow but I get your point. Sometimes its hard to focus on the frame by frame. Sometimes all I can see is the whole picture. Thats when I know I need to back away and move to stupid cat vids on youtube or something. Change my focus. If I dont, I end up feeling over whelmed and crying. I have a huge pile of papers I need to go through, I am putting it off because even with my reading glass's and magnifying glass its hard to read. I get migraines from eye strain. Sometimes they last an hour or so, sometimes days. Light and sound sensitivity come with them. I have to much to do to be down and I am running out of time. You need a dog, dont you? I still havent found foster care for my fur babies.

[carrieprice1998]

The best thing to do is pray and stay calm if you can. Getting all upset and worked up will just make you feel worse. Try your best to stay calmost even though it's hard.

[kelli333]

I have been trying. I exercised today and drove to the dentist alone a few days ago. I worked for CTL today. I was sad cuz I got critiqued by my supervisor. I really want to do a nursing program, as a back up bc of Trump and losing my benefits. But it will be really hard to go out 5 days a week. Thank you for all your kind words of support.

[kelli333]

I've been watching motivational videos which made me feel like crap. I can't do anything-no energy and motivation this is apart of my illnesses (Schizophrenic, depression, anxiety and agoraphobia). They say just do it. I can't. I feel like a lazy loser that will never be anything.

[menagerie11]

You can do things, even if they seem like small things to others. That is how I am going about it. Today I went for a walk by myself and that was a big deal to me. Yesterday, I put stuff away in my office and that was an accomplishment, too. Just do something small every day.