I'm really struggling right now, and I feel like everything's spiraling out of control. I've always been a perfectionist, and up until now, I've worked hard in school, but the pressure is getting unbearable. I'm in 11th grade, taking AP Chemistry, and I'm so far behind on tests, including midterms from months ago. I'm drowning in assignments, and no matter how hard I try, I feel unprepared for everything. I've been staying up late, like 4-5 AM trying to get myself ready for exams and it's messing with my sleep, but I have this anxiety that I can't take an exam I don't feel 1000% prepared for. It's branched out to a habit of avoiding things, like skipping tests/quizzes because I don't feel ready, or I avoid administration, but that just makes everything worse. I've started having dark thoughts-suicidal thoughts-not that I'd act on them, but it scares me to feel this way. I've lost most of my friends because I focused so much on school, and now I feel isolated and disconnected. I was happier when I didn't care as much about grades, but now I feel like I've ruined my life trying to keep up with this constant pressure. I'm really dependent on my parents, and I feel like I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I'm scared about growing up, and I'm terrified of the future. I don't know if I should keep pushing for something I'm not even sure I want or if I should just let go and try to figure things out later. Because I've always wanted to have a career in the sciences, but if this is how miserable my job will be , I can't do it. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically, and I just don't know how to handle everything. I'm losing motivation, feeling lost, and I'm not sure what to value anymore. It feels like I'm stuck in a cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. I want to get rid of this depression, anxiety and sadness, I just want to live normally again. I need tips.
** Not self-diagnosing (Shouldn't have to state this but ik some people get annoyed by self diagnosis. I meet with a licensed psychologist whose diagnosed me with moderately severe depression nd anxiety)
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ap2008
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Wanted to add that I often wake up very anxious, I skip school sometimes because I very often have horrible mornings. I hate waking up because I dont want the next day to begin. I as well think that might be a underlying reason as to why I stay up late or have trouble sleeping. Im scared of uncertainty.
There are lots of great free resources on learning how to learn. coursera.org/learn/learning... As you likely know, staying up until 4 or 5am will not help you with your exams. Do you have a bedtime routine? After studying intensely it is important to wind down or your sleep will suffer. Talk to your teachers, talk to your administrators. What do you do for fun?
Unfortunately no, no bedtime routine, my nights are always different. I have a long school day (all boys private school) as we start at 8am and end at 6pm, and with all other things I make time for such as practice 3 times a week (those nights I only get home at 10pm) as well as tutoring, it's hard to organize a routine. Because genuinely, like everyone, I need a break. So when I get back from these long days, I usually spend my time doing unproductive things so I can sort of chill out. Some nights i'll find myself at 3-4 am studying, and others i'll be sound asleep by 11Pm already. Kind of depends on what work I have due the next day. But for fun I play basketball & soccer. I play guitar and piano. My favorite thing ever is music so I listen to it almost in everything I do. I love to take walks. I read and write. And I love animals, so you'd find me spending sundays often by the local animal shelter. My life is busy and I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to do everything I can, yet I'm just 16 and I really should focus on enjoying my youth. I tell myself that and cognitively I believe that, but idk if its something physical, or its just the anxiety of changing that typical habit, so it therefore doesn't happen. I need to lay back, for some reason I can't. And lastly thank you for the link, hopefully I can break out of this habit.
I feel for you so much. I'm glad you are seeing a psychotherapist - what advice does he/she give you? I wonder if going to a doctor might help - maybe they can give you temporary medication to ease your anxiety. Have you talked to your parents about this? They probably realise you are struggling. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best. Take care. xxx
My therapist helps a lot with giving advice to whatever problems I may bring up, it's more just me struggling to apply it to my life. I understand everything i'm told and understand what I need to work on to get better, for some reason it's difficult though. He's also actually recommended me going to a doctor and seeking medication, but it's my mom who is not so big on medications, and that's in general. So I guess that also answers your other question, my parents do know, and they do give an effort to get me the help I need. I speak with my mom a lot but she sometimes acts like its easy to "just get over it". I appreaciate that she is trying tho. And thank you so much
Hello ap2008, I think it's fair to say most young people have a very stressful time with planning for their future, you are not an isolated case. As worthytobeloved posted you are taking the necessary and required positive steps: therapy/counseling including with your school, and definitely discuss with parents and mention them in your therapy . "UNCERTAINTY" is a huge part of it and while you can't eliminate it totally you can influence it. Make sure you COMMIT and FOCUS ( this means worrying not allowed while studying) to studying in library or quit place so you will not be interrupted. Try to set a limit or time when you stop studying and stick to it ie 11pm. Keep a to-do list of what to do next, this may help you recognize you have a plan and not worry as much. Have your to-do list, plan, study time limit and TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME sticking to your timeframe and plan and doing your best for that day according to your plan. What ever the test results are it's not the end of the world by any means, just try to pass. You'll have good counseling and support, develop a new plan after being the older and wiser, then commit and focus. After school or college, when you get hired they will help you at that time with your job so don't worry. INDECISION is the enemy, develop a plan with your support group and go forward, even if you or your choice is not perfect. Me, your parents, fellow students, teachers, future bosses are not perfect either. Do your best each day then go to bed feeling good about yourself for doing your best. Did you start drinking coffee or something, that can not be good for some people. Good luck ap2008.
I really appreciate the advice. Wanted to say that I sometimes do try to set limits and take things one day at a time, but there's always that voice in my head stressing that I need to know everything perfectly before I stop studying. It makes it hard to step away, even when I know I should. Maybe if I take a lighter approach instead of going too in-depth every time, it won’t feel as overwhelming or take as long. I’ll try to work on that. I can also see me working a lot better in a quiet environment like the library, so thank you. My mom does tell me the same thing about making a to-do list therefore I have everything planned out. Whether I make it just for that night or that whole week, Im not the greatest at sticking to plans though, but like you said that's the first step. Letting myself commit. And yes, on those nights I stay up to study, I have coffee keep me up. I'm not ever big on coffee but when I'm stressed for a test I guess I resort to it. Thanks again so much for the support.
Welcome to this wonderful forum. I’m sure you can get some help , ideas , and support here.
Here’s my thoughts
We need to feel better. To do better
I always think it’s best to put down on paper what our problem is , in this case it’s a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.
Below that list off what your also experiencing, such as dark thots.
Next put that on paper what possible solutions are to that problem or problems. I would recommend you looking at the holistic way of going to tame these symptoms, before going on to other solutions ,such as medications..many on here recommend Dr. Claire weeks as a good source for that.
Next, for me, would be to talk to a psychiatrist who can possibly recommend medication’s to try.. This way of going has been my saving answer, but like many of us on here that can be a difficult road the right combination or cocktail mix, if you would, a that would truly help.
Before you jump in do a good amount of understanding the world of medications. It will really help.
Journal and track EVERYTHING you go with med wise, if you go that route. Journal your feelings and thoughts to track progress. In my experience, even though you’re dealing with professionals that have been trained, they still need a ton of your help of knowing what is working or not, and possible ideas to discuss. I believe that comes through research and education. AI can be an excellent source for that now.
If you don’t get the meds correct right away, don’t get discouraged, even though it can be confusing and difficult. When we throw in side effects into the makes it even more of a challenge sometimes.
Stay on track with your solutions to your problem and communicate well. whether with your providers, parents, or others. Also ask questions on here, like you just did. Try not to stay stuck not trying something different, if your not getting the desired results with your doctor.
Feel free to use our experiences. What we’ve done right and what we’ve done wrong and believe me I’ve done plenty wrong, so I’m an expert there.
Track those solutions on how are they going. Continually stay in the education format. You just never know when something new might come along to help or maybe there’s something you still haven’t found out that would help.
Im been complying a list for 3 years of possible ways to help find solutions other than medications and there are many., so feel to ask away.
I firmly believe if you can get your depression and anxiety under control, then other challenges become that much easier to find answers
Rewrite your list weekly or bi weekly. It can help solidify new thoughts and directions to go.
Be methodical about it. That should be right up your alley
And please ask for help if you ever feel stuck. Don’t just stay stuck. It ain’t good. No matter what you’ve tried.
Again, for me, it was the next thing that worked. Took a minute but I didn’t know very much of what I’m describing now. I’m a lot older and much has changed for the good in awareness and treatment.
I found 90% relief through never giving up this process.
Thanks, Franklin. I appreciate the advice and encouragement. My mom isn’t really big on medication, so I’m not sure she’d be on board with that route, but I do like the idea of trying different approaches. I'd love to take alternative steps to getting better before I get to medications, but it seems to have worked for you, so like you said, why can't it work for me. But in general with tracking how I feel, I’m actually really good with journaling. I rarely do anymore, but I used to often write about my days just to look back on them later. It’s a good way to express my feelings after a long day, and maybe I can use that to track what’s helping and what’s not. So I can start journaling again as I take advice from all you people as well as my therapist. I’ll try rewriting my list every week or so to see if that helps me notice progress. Thanks again for sharing your experience.
I can really understand what you’re going through. I’ve experienced intense stress and pressure myself, both academically and now in my personal and career journey. The desire to score high and do well can feel overwhelming, especially when there’s no time to truly rest, recover, or recharge—mentally, emotionally, or physically. I wish someone had told me back in school that rest isn’t a weakness; it’s necessary.
One thing that really helped me was realizing that feeling good is what helps us achieve, not the other way around. Achievements don’t create happiness—rather, a stable and healthy mindset makes success possible. There’s a lot of research and books on this, and it completely changed how I view pressure and productivity.
If I may ask, do you have anyone you can share your struggles with? And is your school (or the people around you) making you feel like your worth is tied to your grades? Because you are so much more than just a percentage on a test.
Thank you for sharing and helping out. I really appreciate it. I relate to feeling like there’s no real time to rest, and I guess I do tend to think of rest as something I have to ‘earn’ rather than something necessary. Maybe shifting that mindset would help. It's just so hard to let go of something i've been kinda sticking to as my lifestyle for so long. Sure it takes time and nothing is immediate but I've been trying and it is really difficult for me. I also do have people I can talk to, though sometimes it’s hard to open up fully. I speak to my mom, I speak to my therapist, I'll be honest I even ask ChatGPT for advice sometimes, and now all you people I guess. Makes me feel good that I can share openly here. And yeah, school definitely makes me feel like my worth and my life is tied to my grades, even if no one says it outright. It makes sense logically to me that if your grades aren't good, your life sort of takes on following that path. It’s just this pressure I put on myself to do well, like if I don’t know everything perfectly, I’m not doing enough. I appreciate the reminder that achievement doesn’t create happiness, and I've really got to instill that into my head. I think I need to hear that more often. Thanks again for your words, that last sentence was deeply felt emotionally.
Note: I'm sorry this is so long. I hope it's worth the read.
As a student, I was like you. Everything had to be perfect, or I wasn't satisfied. I didn't want 90% on an exam—I wanted 100%. I took every available AP class (physics, calculus, biology, English, government), and I expected straight A's. I also intended to be editor of the school newspaper.
These expectations were my own. No one else was pushing me. In fact, my parents and some of my teachers, even some of my friends, expressed concern that I was taking school too seriously. I spent all my time doing homework, writing papers, and studying for exams. They thought I needed to relax my standards, have more fun, and be more socially engaged. I didn't listen.
Sure, I was constantly anxious and generally miserable. And, yes, the stress was wearing on me. It triggering a serious depressive episode that spanned my junior and senior years. But I wasn't about to give up on my goal of graduating at the top of my class.
School was all that I cared about. I thought that was the price I had to pay. I was an excellent student. That was my identity. Without that distinction, I didn't even know who I was. Besides, I intended to go to college, and I would need a scholarship. That was a very practical concern, I thought.
In the end, I achieved my goal. I graduated at the top of my class. Valedictorian, National Honors Society, National Merit Scholar, etc. But I was completely burned out. I was mentally exhausted. All I did all summer was dread going to college, where I was going to have to do it all again, except it would be more difficult.
In the fall, I went off to college. And then it happened. By Thanksgiving break I was totally burned out and deeply depressed. I was experiencing a personal crisis that I was not equipped to handle. I dropped out of school. I was devastated, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I could not perform up to my self-imposed standards. I pushed myself too hard, and I had a mental breakdown from which I never fully recovered.
What a waste of effort. Don't be like me. You're young—enjoy your life. Let go of whatever unreasonable expectations you might have. Don't destroy the very future that you're trying to build. You can still strive to do well, but don't aim for perfection.
An "A" is an "A". Settle for 95%. Settle for 91%. An occasional "B" is not the end of the world. Settle for good enough. Performance is governed by the law of diminishing returns. Those last few points are not worth the effort it takes to earn them, especially at the expense of your mental health. They're not worth the opportunity costs they require.
I encourage you to commit yourself to changing your approach to life in general. Settle for less than perfection. If you don't, you risk the ultimate failure—failure in life. It can happen. It happened to me.
Wow. Thank you for sharing that, it really means a lot. I felt every word of it because, honestly, that’s exactly how I feel most of the time. It’s like if I don’t push myself to be perfect, then who even am I? And if I don’t know everything 100%, I feel like I’m already failing. Even when I try to set limits or take things one step at a time, there’s still this voice in my head telling me it’s not enough. Reading what you went through really makes me realize I’m not alone, especially in how similar we feel/felt. I would love to make time to be social, and honestly that's probably what I need, but finding that balance is so hard when I want to get everything done. I also suck at talking to people, I think I forgot how to after being so caught up in academics. I see how important it is to find some balance before things get too overwhelming though. I don’t want to lose my love for learning, and I don’t want to reach a point where I feel like I have nothing left to give. I don’t want to end up burned out, but sometimes it feels like I don’t know how to be any other way. I try to tell myself ‘good enough’ really is good enough, and maybe my worth isn’t tied to how close I get to perfect, but for me it's just a hard thing to accept and I don’t want to lose myself to this. I really appreciate you opening up about this, it means a lot to hear from someone who truly understands.
Allow yourself to lighten your load…without shame or judgment.
Give yourself permission to take care of yourself…spending time..wasting time..going to a movie, etc., without feeling guilty.
It’s ok to not be perfect. It’s ok for us to make mistakes or fail to measure up to standards we set…or others set. Say “No” more often to obligations.
Also..all this space and time you are in …is just temporary..it’s not permanent. Lightened your load though.
My best to you.
Breathing helps….deep breath..hold for 4 seconds…release slowly like you are blowing out a candle. Repeat..Repeat. It affects our parasympathetic system which calms us.
That’s exactly it. The guilt is what I would be feeling. If I were to go out and just have fun—watch a movie, waste time, do something unproductive, I know I’d be stuck in my head the whole time, thinking about what I should be doing instead. It’s like I can’t fully enjoy anything because there’s always this voice reminding me I could be using that time "better". And I don’t know how to let that go. I want to, but when I’m caught up in all the stress, it’s hard to see past it. It feels like if I don’t push myself now, I’ll regret it later. But at the same time, I don’t want to look back one day and regret missing out on life either, especially my high school years. How do you actually let yourself believe it’s okay to slow down? Because even when I tell myself that, I don’t really feel it. It's just this back and forth argument on if I should sacrifice my mental health now so I make it easier for myself later on, or ease up and make it harder/ potentially even lose the opportunity. I want to figure it out for myself before it's too late. Thanks so much for contributing, I appreciate it so much.
It’s our “anxious” brain (read more about the amygdala) telling us we will be safer…if we’re always afraid or anxious. It’s the part of the brain that keeps us safe in danger but it’s the lie of anxiety in everyday life. “There’s nothing wrong now, but there will be, so you better stay anxious/scared.” “We should be worried”.
I got this info from reading a short comment of a book..(I’m looking for the author to read more)
She says to “choose to focus on what makes life enjoyable and meaningful” which was a response to a comment “why is this so hard to do?”
It made so much sense to me..I’m listening to the part of my brain that is overactive…responsible for processing emotions, particularly fear and anxiety.
Just a piece of advice ap2008. When you openly ask for advice and people offer it, do your best to thank them even if you don’t agree or overwhelmed from the advice.
Yea I know. I’ve kind of been soaking it all in and really trying to listen to everything over the past day. I’m trying to align it with my life right now and figuring out how I can use it to become better. I really value every single piece of advice that was shared, everything felt reasonable and came from a place of real understanding. I'm very grateful for all of it, and it hopefully will help me see things from a different perspective. Again I apologize I didn't get back quicker, but I do really appreciate everything that was shared.
Thanks to all for helping and responding. Appreciate it greatly you'll never even know. Its my first time sort of publicly posting something like this, and to see how kind and eager people were to help out amazes me. So again thanks, im going through a tough time and all this advice really helped. I'll get through it
Hi, I would advise to work on changing your perception towards your fears and anxious thoughts. Start writing down about your feelings thoughts and emotions and try to find a trigger point.
I have seen in my cases we make things much more worse by procrastinating. break your problems down and work with your pych.. things will get better very soon.
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Need Advice on My Anxiety
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