Hello to everyone. I'm Lisa 42 years old and I deal with PTSD, Panic Disorder, OCD, self mutilation, insomnia and agoraphobia. I've always had anxiety and OCD that was manageable but after a 3year relationship with a very violent bipolar man and not knowing if I would survive the day, the other issues sufaced. I finally 'escaped' that situation when he was sent to prison for his violent actions not related to me. That was 2 years ago. I have tried so hard with different meds, (psychological roller coaster) , CBT counseling, DBT counseling, acupuncture, calming apps, hot baths, coloring etc etc. I've even worked my 8 hr shift then came home and worked until it was time to go back, just to keep my focus on anything besides my fears and will feel like I'm gaining control again....
Until my work decides to give me a hard time over FMLA covered days. I have provided the 3rd party medical consultant's with hundreds of dollars worth of paperwork and they approve any time off but my work has not accepted the approvals. This has weighed heavy on me and spins me into a downward spiral. They have no idea how extremely hard it is for me to even leave my home to get there. (Takes me 2hrs to mentally prepare myself to drive the 2.4 miles there)
Four weeks ago, I was in a meeting with HR and afterward was so stressed that I had a really bad 'episode'. When my panic attacks are severe, I tend to blackout and not know what I'm doing. The only thing I ever recall is being in danger and needing to escape to get home. Well apparently I had gone into the restroom and preformed my 'cutting on the arm ritual' and was found by a co-worker.
Two hours later I find myself in an office with security, HR, my supervisor and boyfriend and I'm getting sent home. I don't even know what is going on at this point. The next day I return to work and I'm told that they have put me on administrative leave. My work is what I had to focus on. I still have pay and benefits which has saved my mental state but I'm so lost.
I'm going through the accommodations process but I'm growing impatient. I have resentment towards work as they pushed my stress level past it's meter, then (what I'm guessing) couldn't deal with my reality. I had tried to explain to them without medical info that when I'm absent, it's because I need to be not because I want to be and how they were my biggest trigger with their 'friendly reminders' of my hours missed. (For the record ALL my assignments were completed on time).
I just don't know what to feel anymore and that scares me.
Sorry for the long post. I feel slightly better just writing this email. It has given me something to focus on while everyone else is sleeping.
I send healing energy to all of you who also struggle.
Written by
LJHope04
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Oh My.. I can empathize with much of your story but not the cutting part.
Keeping myself distracted works well if you can find some of my past posts.
You need to sleep as that in itself causes ALOT of problems, as does shutting yourself inside. I do use Ambien as it is a wonder drug for getting to sleep as is my Ativan for anxiety as needed. I have to sometimes force myself outside - and once I do I am OK. Not getting caught up in what has NOT Happened yet is important. ***ANXIETY is paying interest on a loan you don't have yet. Getting out of your mind and into doing something and staying busy helps a great deal. I have noticed I forget about my anxiety when I am into something. This too shall pass - NOW would be good.
Adapt, Improvise and Overcome is my Marine Corps Mantra.
Your metaphor comparing anxiety to a loan is so powerful, and correct. Our anxiety, especially if it is caused by detailed thoughts and fears of the future, is suffering for an event that hasn't happened, and might not ever happen. Last Friday I experienced some relief when I realized that I was anxious because my brain had convinced itself that what MIGHT happen, WILL happen. I had made it my reality, when the true reality is that I am in a very good place at the moment.
LJHope04,
I agree with lilaclil, have you been to the doctors to check on your meds? I know that you have tried CBT and DBT, but were you able to atleast start getting at the cause for your anxiety? I believe a check in with your doctor and some reflection on where your anxiety stems from might help a little.
FMLA is the Family Medical Leave Act. Protection for your job for people with disabilities. My work has tried to accommodate but they aren't really realistic for me just yet. Ex: they offered me a small office to use to calm down but it's on the complete opposite side of the manufacturing building, then I would have to ask security ( if they are at their station) to unlock it. This takes 4-6 minutes depending on pallet/forklift traffic. When panic sets in, I don't always have that kind of time and passing through several departments/people and communicating to others accilerate my panicked state. In my mind I believe everyone can see what is happening to me and will either ridicule or harm me.
I know this is in my mind and not reality on a normal day so I'm trying to find a method/practice to know this info when panic sets in and logical thinking goes out the door.
I have tried sleeping meds w/o success but Belsomra is new and actually works on your waking system of the brain. So it doesn't put you to sleep, it actually settles down the action in the thoughts which then allows me to slow down then sleep becomes natural. My problem is I'm too scared to take them. Another issue I'm focusing on.
Currently I'm on Cymbalta and Xanax with Belsomra for sleep. My Psychiatrist doesn't want to change the meds because I have improved so much.... The only stressor I can't seem to work through is work management constantly reminding me that I have missed hours. They never complain about my work, just that I have missed time. I don't even get in trouble...they just want to make sure I'm aware of it...is what they say. Of course I'm aware. I've tried to tell them that yes I'm aware as I keep records of everything and their reminders just cause me to obsess and stress out more.
Then they only remind me after I have had perfect attendance for 3 weeks. Maybe I'm reading between the lines that aren't there but I see that as sabotage. Literally they wait like that.
I hadn't cut in several months before this. Huge milestone.
I quit going to counseling because I was having to relive so much of the abuse. Usually I tune stuff out and 'put it in the brain vault' and never think about it again so bringing it up over and over seemed like I was taking steps backwards.
Oh some good news, my boyfriend set up two fish tanks and I've been mezmorized all day and just realized I haven't had any anxiety!!! Woo hoo! I also feel asleep twice in my chair next to the tanks!! Yippie!!
I want to thank you for your replies because I felt heard and that enabled me to relax enough to sit down and even notice the fish!
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Too much right now
It's becoming too much for me
Too much for me
Too much love?
Some times it is too much 
