feeling too much again

[LessThanBread]

stress. failure. not my fault this time. anger. tears. emptiness. no permanent damage. i could have prevented it. i could have done more. worried about relapse. every episode is a test. there's always a deeper low waiting for me.

[newmercies]

I relate to you, LessThanBread. I often feel like I am failing in a lot of ways. Remember, recovery is a process and a journey. The progress you have made matters. Take it a day at a time and show yourself compassion if you can. You are not alone.

[PastelPink20]

Yeah, it’s unfortunate. I am also feeling very defeated.

Is your name a reference to “better than bread” or like “best thing since sliced bread”?

Do you have a favorite kind of bread? Recently, I love croissants 😭🥐🧈💕

[LessThanBread in reply to PastelPink20]

Nah, it was a reference to some quote that went along the lines of "men do not live on bread alone." I wanted to be more than bread, but a lot of the time i feel the opposite. And croissants are baller but the carbs tho so i eat whole grain only

[PastelPink20 in reply to LessThanBread]

I have heard that quote before!!! Oh wow it’s from the Bible. “It is written: 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God” Matthew 4:4 (we have spiritual needs that are just as , if not more, important as physical needs).

Feelings are indicators not dictators - just something my friend says. But yeah, I feel less than bread too.

It’s easy for me to believe that like I do everything wrong and that bread has more purpose and worth than I do. That’s simply not true.

So, you *are* more than bread! (Like dark humor wise, your organs are worth a lot more than a loaf of bread). Even though you don’t feel like it! You’re a person! With strengths! Made on purpose! Made to live out a purpose! You impact things and people and places - all the nouns! We all impact each other in good ways and bad ways, we are imperfectly human. Overall... You exist and that’s a good thing man. 😤😎👍

Side note:

Yay for whole grain! I love warm bread with honey and butter! Such a treat!

[LessThanBread in reply to PastelPink20]

woah i did not know it was from the bible. thats cool. i think i heard it in a song and then i interpreted it as something like: "we need love, warmth, connection, comfort..." the intangible aspect of life that cannot simply be given, which is more than bread could ever be.

I remember a time when i used to cheer up old friends on bad days. when i was the sunshine in someone's eyes. it's a feeling i haven't had in a long time.

but thanks for the pep talk though. and i hope you have many a tasty bread

[HippieChic5 in reply to PastelPink20]

I’ve been baking Mrs schuberts dinner rolls with butter On top so they’re crispy on top and kinda chewy. And slip that fattening butter goodness in the middle, too. Gluten here I come!

[HippieChic5]

Man could I have written that myself for the last 2 weeks bad, bad...but overall since January. (my husb cheated) I feel worthless I am a failure in everybody's eyes Extremely unloved, like honestly, nobody loves me. I have kids though, 5 beautiful, amazing kids & they love me best they know how, but they're not real respectful, because of how our lives have been. I am covered in grievous guilt & regret. My husband doesn't love me and I've poured my entire self into him, overly (I'm codependent & he's a narcissist) So it's very toxic, but I'm addicted to basically being obsessed with his abuse, I figure, and for him I feed his narcissistic needs. I'm like his servant. & punching bag. He makes me feel like the fattest, dumbest, most pathetic girl in the room, even though I am decent looking & polite) I have another perspective that maybe I'm crazy and paranoid because my mother is clinically insane & I've been abused all of my life., I know my mind must be off. I'm hyperaware, hypersensitive, an empath covered in every symptom of PTSD. I don't know my value. I don't matter. I won't hurt myself because I won't put that on my kids' hearts for life. No way. I'm on here tonight as my first time to go anywhere because I am in dire need of help. As you said, there's always a deeper low waiting for me. Right?! You think, okay THIS is horrible, there is nothing I can't conquer cuz surely this is the worst. But then Ta-da! A new trial. Yay. I've always grown in my life, gaining wisdom, getting my head screwd on right, always progressing but all of a sudden I feel like the wisdom is gone. I feel like if I read back in my journaling from 10 years ago, that I'm living the EXACT same way with the exact same issues. So my life is a repetition of insanity. I have aligned myself with people who belittle me, who I spend all my waking hours trying to 'win' them, wishing they really, truly loved me, hoping for respect,to be cared about. But it's my own fault because I put myself with people who don't have the capability to love. Like I'm punishing myself for being a piece of crap in all ways. I feel like I've lost my mind. I barely feel capable of doing the basic necessities of life. I do not matter. I do feel alone because I don't have a specific group I've clung to online & I am isolated. I'm recently moved, know nobody & have no friends, even online. I'm actively trying. I know it'll come but I've been waiting my whole life. I just want a friend with an honest heart. That's all. Wouldn't mind them to have a good sense of humor, though. I am a silly, kind, good person, I feel like I'm 12 & 21 & 80. Even though I've tried to live right & take the higher road, and practive being a loving in action kind of person, life keeps shafting me over and over and I know it's my own fault. I feel like an idiot. I have nobody to tell that would give a shit. No offense, but nobody knows me here. My old friends are very toxic so I stay away. But I live with toxic people Deep down I know I'm sane. Therapists say I'm sane, very aware & intuitive. I cry probably 10 times a day and have ulcers from stress. My heart is shattered. I've never given up before & I'm a fighter, but this cheating thing has killed me. I'm like hanging on by a thread. I don't want to lose my heart but sometimes it seems it'd be easier just to become a hateful bi***. I've been deeply grieving over my entire life as a whole & all the bad. I never have before. My memories are coming back. So bad and so sad back to age 3. I've never read inner child stuff so I'm not familiar, but I sure do have a little unloved girl in me that needs a long, long hug. Where is the love. I accept life isn't fair, but does my past have to ruin my future. I'm already getting old. I've never been anywhere, even to restaurants. I just want to do something, just a little, with someone who loves me. I love deeply & am faithful and loving. So I accept the unfairness of life, but I sure would like a turn. I'm tired. I didn't mean to take over your post. It's rude. But I don't want to lose this cuz it helped me writing it so I'm gonna post the comment. I apologize if it truly rude. I relate to y'all though and appreciate you.

[LessThanBread in reply to HippieChic5]

Oh i don't get offended easily, HippieChic5. In fact, my very first online anonymous post about depression was inspired by another's sadness on a separate forum. its a result of that thing called empathy i believe. I've also recently ish lost some old friends that were toxic as well. I could talk about my feelings to them back then and it only ever put blank faces on their heads. my therapist recommended me to a psychoanalyst on the first visit so i think i impressed. My heart was shattered a few years ago. I loved a man, but my emotions ruined me and i was terrified if my dad were to ever find out. I spiraled a few months after. it really hits hard and i just couldn't figure it out at the time. it took me a long time to get over him. drugs didn't do the trick. neither alcohol. nor therapy. what did the trick was that i had grown and changed from my old ways and, when i talked to him years after, i learned he had not changed much. still being sad and letting it destroy himself. i went through great lengths to make sure what had happened years prior would never happen again and i was proud of myself even though nobody would ever pat me on the back for being able to control my emotions. i loved having someone who understood sadness, but sadness has never done anything for me. i doubt your 'moving on' will be easy. i came crawling back a few times. i had no shame. but each time i slowly realized that what was will never be again and that i still wait for the day where he contacts me of his own volition. life slowly got a bit out of hand though in the meantime. i said some things that i can never take back. it ate me up. my sister was a success. my father would put on a fake smile to hide his disappointment. i know this because sometimes i like to push him to the edge of his patience just to see what he was hiding behind that smile. people lie, and i have had friends and family look down on me and treat me like im disposable. i feel worthless a lot of the time. my greatest breakthrough in life was the thought: "i wanna be something." And i cling to it so dearly. so dearly that it hurts. i am not nothing. and i think im the only one who believes that. you have worth. its somewhere in there, im sure. and you'll probably find the most honest people are the ones where you don't know their real names.

[Orange2245]

Very sorry. It’s the worst. Feeling the exact same way. We are here for you

[Hidden]

There is a country song which goes something like- If you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't stop now, if you're scared don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows you're there!!! Anyhow, I really wish all of us on here see some better days soon. Take care.

[SuZQ154]

Glad you are posting! We can often avoid relapse by being honest and open about our feelings. Please keep posting and know we are here for you! Blessings!!